


acting on your best behavior (turn your back on mother nature)

by skai_heda



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Friendship, Implied Sexual Content, Love, New Planets, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 06 Speculation, jordan is a nerd and raven loves him, octavia's redemption arc that we all need, well after season 5 anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-03 19:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 57,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17290205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skai_heda/pseuds/skai_heda
Summary: Be better.It's all Monty and Harper really asked of them.Be better, Clarke, she tells herself as she tucks her knife safely into her boot.Be better, Clarke, she tells herself, as she braces herself for the blood.Humanity's last survivors struggle to maintain their humanity as they're hurtled headfirst into a dangerous new world.And, well, let's say the age of Wanheda is not over.





	1. In Peace

_ Clarke. _

Her name doesn't even feel like her own anymore. She won't admit it to anyone, but sometimes when she thinks of her own name, her first thought is  _ Wanheda.  _

_ I don't want to be Wanheda anymore. _

There were a lot of things she didn't want anymore. For a few foolish, shining years during Praimfaya, spending nights curled up with Madi in Eden and watching the stars, Clarke believed that the age of Wanheda was over. And once again, as she settled against Bellamy, watching their new home shine in all its glory, she believed she could start again. And then Bellamy walked away to go and talk to Jordan, and their moment was over, and she was Clarke Griffin, Commander of Death, all the pain draped around her like a blanket. Carrying the world, because she was Atlas, and she was cursed. She would never,  _ never, _ be able to let go of its weight.

She almost screamed right there and then, screamed for every loss she had suffered, since before she touched the ground. 

She clutches the yellow straps of her belt now, anguish and wonder etched plainly into her features, as Shaw's fingers fly over the screen in front of him. She's aware of Miller sitting behind her, taking deep, calming breaths. She hears Emori's bright laughter behind her, and when she turns her head, she sees Bellamy gazing stoically at the planet as it comes closer. Echo is next to him, surveying the view with her usual unreadable glare. Jackson is behind her, tapping his fingers on his belt. Murphy is also at the front, watching with disinterested interest. She thinks of Madi, safely tucked away in the dreams of cryosleep. If people even dream at all in there. 

"Clarke?" Bellamy says softly, turning his head to her. She looks down.

"Bellamy," she says.

"Are you alright?"

"When am I not?" she responds quickly. And suddenly all she can think of is her palm hitting his face, and then she imagines Madi screaming as she takes the Flame. Then Clarke remembers herself taking the Flame, how she reached a shaking hand out and Bellamy took it without hesitation. She could do that right now if she wanted to, but she finds that she doesn't. Because now, she remembers Echo and Bellamy wrapped around each other.

_ Would that ever have been me in Bellamy's arms and not Echo? _

She loves Bellamy, it's true. But whenever she thinks of herself in Echo's place, it feels wrong.

_ Who could ever love Wanheda? _

* * *

 

"What the  _ hell _ do you think is beyond the forest?" Miller asks, gun at the ready. Only a select few from Eligius went to Earth, and Clarke stands among them, staring at the daunting trees.

"We don't have time. if Raven's calculations are right, it should be dark soon," Echo speaks up from the back. She can feel Bellamy standing behind her; it's her sixth sense. Jackson stares at the ground, deep in thought, and Shaw has his head turned up to the sky.

"Fine," Clarke says. "Bellamy, get a fire going. Echo, do a quick check of a perimeter."

She expects them to speak up, protest against her taking charge, but they quietly do as they're told. By the time everything is done, the skies are considerably darker, and Clarke finds herself momentarily struck by how the bright blue skies turned so quickly into a blanket of stars.

Miller and Jackson sit close to each other, talking quietly among themselves, mourning their losses, wondering about Wonkru. Clarke feels bad for Miller; the loyal knight, crushed under Blodreina's reign. She knows he may not fully regret his allegiance to her, but all those years in the bunker seemed to have broken something in him.

And then she sees Echo clutching Bellamy, cradling his head close to her chest, and then Clarke remembers how Bellamy used to hold her almost exactly that way. Shaw is talking quietly to her about the planet, about Eligius, and Clarke is nodding and humming at appropriate intervals, though her head is still a hundred and twenty-five, no, a hundred and  _thirty-one_ years in the past.

It's been a long time since she's thought about life before Praimfaya, with the notable exception of thoughts of Wanheda. 

She hears Echo quietly say  _I love you_ to Bellamy, and when Clarke hears him say it back to her, she's never felt so alone.

* * *

 

She's fallen asleep with her head on the log, but barely has time to register the dull ache in her head, because all of a sudden she can hear Shaw's voice, saying, "haven't had water in two days..." and his conversation with whoever the hell on the radio continues but suddenly Clarke is back in the ruins of Arkadia, after Praimfaya, talking to Bellamy, her other half, her  _Bellamy_ (but not hers, he could never be hers), her partner.

Clarke nearly trips over the log in her sudden feverish desire to just  _run_. She runs straight into the dark forest that they were looking at just a few hours ago. God, she  _runs._ She collapses behind a tree, and she remembers  _everything._ And she can feel the cold barrel of a gun pressed against her temple, just before she saw the birds. 

She wishes she pulled the trigger.

She begins to shake, and she tries to keep her attack as silent as possible. Biting her fists, digging her nails into her skin.

She is burning from Praimfaya. 

She is  _burning._

_Make it stop._

Clarke hasn't had many panic attacks in her time with Madi, but ever since Spacekru came back to Earth, she's been having them more and more.

She's heaving for breath, so loudly that she doesn't hear the rapidly quickening footsteps from behind her. 

No, she's sobbing, trying to be quiet, trying to shove it down, shut it out. Blood is trickling down her wrists and into her jacket, but she hasn't yet noticed that her nails have cut her skin. She's pressed against the tree, shaking and shaking, and even then, she doesn't notice the shadowy figure standing in front of her.


	2. May You Leave The Shore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke experience's the height of the planet's beauty... and a hint of its horrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the comments and kudos!

"Wanheda."

Clarke recognizes the Azgeda spy's low, slightly mocking voice.

"Not... my... name..." Clarke chokes out. It's almost over. Almost over, Clarke, almost over.

That voice in her head sounds suspiciously like Bellamy's. _Her Bellamy._

"You're riddled," Clarke hears Echo murmur. "By the memories of war."

Clarke really wants to comment on _how astute of an observation that is,_ but it truly was an astute observation, especially for someone who doesn't truly know her.

"That happen to you often?" It's the first truly coherent sentence she forms, but the waves of panic are still crashing over her.

Not almost over then.

"Echo, please. I- I _can't-_ "

"Clarke, please," a low, clear voice says. It's Bellamy. Of course it's Bellamy. _Her Bellamy._ Of course he would come with Echo.

Why isn't it _ending?_

Her hands are over her eyes-she must've done that during the worst of her attack. Which seems to be coming back in full force again, except now it's not just Praimfaya that she sees, but Madi, leading Wonkru, Bellamy's hands closing around hers for a second before he handcuffs her to a pole. She's strangely proud of the fact that she hasn't seen either of their faces; she couldn't stand the pity, the worry, couldn't stand _them_.

She gets to her feet.

Tries not to grab the tree for support, because that _feeling_ is making it hard to stand.

She takes a step, expects Bellamy or Echo to stop her.

_I_

_am_

_Wanheda_

And it is not a curse.

It is a dark, twisted strength.

At least, right now, she wants it to be.

It’s strange, how much she hates this part of her identity, even as she draws strength from it.

Clarke stands, still not looking at either Bellamy or Echo. Her attack is subsiding, hopefully for real this time. Her breathing evens out, and she thinks she hears Bellamy exhale in relief, as if he actually has an idea of how much pain she was in. As if he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with poor, broken Clarke Griffin.

Broken Clarke Griffin or Wanheda. There really is no in between, is there?  
Clarke walks back to camp, not bothering to turn around and see whether Echo and Bellamy follow.

* * *

 

She doesn’t get any more sleep, so she just sits on the log, watching the stars glitter in the sky. Shaw wakes up a couple times; he’s not a heavy sleeper. He talks to her some more, and for some time, Clarke actually enjoys herself, enjoys the company. He tells her stories of life in the 21st century; she tells him stories of the dropship.  
  
It’s past dawn when everyone else wakes up, and Clarke is slightly uncomfortable whenever Bellamy gives her that sad, concerned look. Echo seems to be observing her with clinical precision, but that doesn’t really bother Clarke; that, she is used to.  
  
They set off into the forest, splitting into pairs to cover more ground. Clarke expects Echo and Bellamy to go together, but is surprised when Echo goes with her instead. Bellamy goes with Shaw, and Miller with Jackson, of course.  
  
Clarke and Echo walk in silence for some time, Clarke is surprised to hear her say “Clarke Griffin kom Skaikru” under her breath.  
  
”That’s my name,” Clarke says tonelessly, and that actually gets a small laugh out of Echo. Clarke turns to her surprised.  
  
”I just haven’t known you to have a sense of humor,” Echo explains.  
  
”You’d be surprised,” Clarke mutters, but she’s actually starting to feel comfortable around the Azgeda spy.  
  
”Bellamy’s forgiven you, you know,” Echo says, and Clarke can’t help but notice a slightly sorrowful edge to her words.  
  
“He shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. I shouldn’t have to be some charity project for him, some unwanted remnant of his past life. It’s not what I want, nor is it what I need.”  
  
”I don’t believe you actually know what you need, Wan- uh, Clarke,” Echo says thoughtfully, and for a second, Clarke wants to argue, but she knows Echo is right.  
  
”For what it is worth, I apologize,” Echo says, a little more kindly this time. “For every attempt on your life and everything that has happened in the past. I am sorry.”  
  
Clarke nods, a sudden lump in her throat making it hard to speak.  
  
“Guys, come here, now!” Clarke hears Bellamy yell, and with one look at Echo, they set off at a run in the direction of his voice. Everyone else is there by the time they arrive, and they seem to be standing around a hatch in the forest floor.  
  
“What is it?” Jackson asks, a hint of apprehension in his expression.  
  
”I don’t know,” Shaw mumbles, thoughtfully bending down to take a look. “I don’t think we should open it, it could be dangerous.”  
  
Clarke yanks it open without a shred of hesitation.  
  
“Or we could do that,” Miller mutters. They all peer down and see a flight of stairs leading down. Clarke descends into the hole.  
  
”Are you guys coming or not?” she asks, staring at all of them. Bellamy has a slight smile on his face, and Clarke can tell he’s remembering his reckless dropship days just like she is. **  
******

Miller shrugs and comes in after her, followed by Jackson, then by Shaw, then Echo, and then Bellamy. Soon, the dirt corridor, barely large enough to fit Bellamy's height, abruptly turns into a bright white hallway, that seems to go on for miles.

"What the hell?" Jackson mutters.

Clarke runs farther and farther, and she can hear them calling her name, but she ignores them. Some of the recklessness that made up Clarke Griffin, the recklessness that was suppressed when she became a leader on the ground for the first time, is appearing again. She finds herself at more stairs, leading back up to the surface, and she runs. 

What she sees next takes her breath away.

A vast lake that appears to be glowing with many colorful reefs from within stretches out in front of her, and in the distance, so far she can barely see it, there are  _buildings,_ tall skyscrapers like the one in Polis.

Bellamy appears next to her, and she can hear his breath catch. 

" _A city,"_ he murmurs, and everyone else joins them.

"We're not alone," Miller says.

* * *

"Clarke, where are you going?" Shaw asks, as Clarke sighs and heads back into the tunnel. 

"Someone should go back to camp. Keep watch... now that we know we're not alone."

"Someone should go with you," Bellamy says immediately. "I'll go."

"I'm not a child, Bellamy. I can go on my own."

And that's that.

It's almost nightfall by the time she makes it back to their camp, and she feels suspicious as soon as she arrives.

Her eyes scan the camp, checking Bellamy and Echo's tent, Miller and Jackson's, goes over to where her meager belongings are.

Her sketchbook is gone.

So is her extra knife.

She's too goddamn late.

An arm wraps around her neck, and she's instantly sweeping her leg around, trying to knock her attacker down, but whoever is after her is also good at combat.

"Bell-  _Bellamy!"_

A hand clamps down onto her mouth, and she's trying to be as loud as she can, but something sharp enters her neck, and her body gives out.

Strangely,  _strangely,_ she remembers Finn scooping her up as John Murphy's weapon of a sickness overcame her.

She remembers thinking it even then.

_I'm too late._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this shit bout to get wild, rant to me in the comments as always


	3. In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Clarke's captors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updating regularly might be tough for me, but I'll try my best to keep you guys fed with crappy content :)

_"What are you doing up here, Princess?"_

_"Watching the stars," Clarke says to Bellamy, scooting over to make room for him. "Come join me."_

_"You and your stars," he murmurs, but he lies down next to her anyway. Clarke is feeling brave tonight; she laces her fingers with his._

_"Hard to believe this will all be gone in a while," Bellamy says, turning his face to hers. They're on the way back to Arkadia from Polis, lying on top of the rover, after defeating ALIE._

_"Then we'll enjoy it while we can," Clarke says, turning her whole body to face him. She notices Bellamy's gaze drift downwards; down to the cuts on her chest made by her mother._

_"It's fine, Bellamy. Don't worry about it," she says, giving his hand a squeeze._

_He touches his forehead to hers. "Are you okay?"_

_She remembers the words. Start with Bellamy Blake._

_"I would've given them the passcode," Clarke says, and she's so caught up in the terrifying memory that she hasn't noticed how Bellamy's face has gotten just a little closer._

_"I know."_

_"I would've done it for you."_

_"I know."_

_And then his nose is sliding by hers, and oh, how long she's waited to feel Bellamy Blake's lips on hers, perhaps since their first Unity Day on the ground. Their kiss deepens, and they wrap their arms around each other._

_"Clarke," he says, over and over with every breath in between their kisses, lets out a soft, endearing mewl when Clarke's fingers rub against his scalp. There is only them, lying together with stupid grins after kissing, under the stars, souls bound together by their love._

_If only it was real._

* * *

Clarke wakes with a gasp.

It's like Mount Weather all over again. The white room, the confusion, the white clothes.

Except, she knows it's going to be a lot easier to escape, because the door to her room is wide open.

She walks out, finds herself in a short hallway, and can see a flight of stairs leading down. She takes them, finding a man and a woman sitting next to a young boy.

"Good, you're awake. Sorry about the unceremonious greeting," the woman says, smiling warmly. 

Clarke knows better than to argue, or to say anything at all.

"You saw our city, I presume," the woman continues.

"Yes. Who the hell are you?" Clarke asks.

The young boy snickers.

The woman glares at him. "I'm Sonya. This is my brother, Jason. And this is my other brother, Dylan," Sonya says, gesturing first to the older man, and then to the young boy.

"Are you going to explain the sedative and the kidnapping, Sonya?"

"I'm sorry...?"

"Clarke," Clarke finishes for her.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Clarke. We thought you were an intruder. You were the only one in your camp, so, we couldn't really tell."

"Camp," Clarke mumbles. "I need to go back."

The three people exchange uncomfortable looks.

"I  _can_ go, right?" Clarke asks, letting a dangerous calm creep into her voice.

"I mean, yeah, you can," Dylan says, his young features arranged into concern. "But Russell... well, Russell knows you're here."

"Russell?" Clarke says thoughtfully, looking around the modern house. "Well, too bad for him. I'm leaving, and you'll let me, if you don't want anyone to get hurt."

Everyone is silent for some time, until Sonya hands Clarke a bag, which, at a first look, holds her sketchbook, knife, and clothes.

"Russell will come," Jason, the older one, states.

"Let him."

* * *

 

_"CLARKE!"_

Shaw runs right into her clutching her elbows, checking for injuries. 

"Clarke, where have you been?" Echo asks, running to her, actually looking a little concerned.  _You don't have to be scared for me on Bellamy's behalf,_ Clarke wants to say, but she's a little shell-shocked. Has been since Sonya and the others let her go, with the cryptic message that Russell would be coming, whoever that is.

"They took me," she mumbles, and notices just at that time that Bellamy is holding her up.

"Who took you?" Shaw asks.

Clarke opens her mouth to answer, but she passes out again.

Maybe the drug wasn't out of her system after all.

* * *

 

_Clarke._

_"May we meet again," Clarke whispers, her tears falling onto Lexa's bloodied face._

_Her way of saying I love you._

_When Lexa doesn't answer, Clarke shatters, and the world goes black._

* * *

 

_Get some sleep, he says, as if Clarke will ever sleep again._

_Bellamy takes her hand, and guides her to the couch he was sleeping on. Gently pushes her so she sits down. Pushes her again so she's lying down._

" _Bellamy..." she says quietly._

_"No, Clarke. Rest."_

_He lies next to her, and Clarke notices how close he is. He wraps his arms around her, and she does the same to him._

_"Bellamy, what if we fall off the couch, you idiot?"_

_He smiles. "Guess you'll have one hell of a nice cushion."_

_Clarke falls into a dreamless sleep not long after that._

* * *

"Wake up, Clarke, please."

"I'm awake now, Bellamy," she says, wiping tears from her face.

"Why were you crying?" he asks, brushing a strand of hair away from her face.

"I was dreaming."

He doesn't ask what she dreamt about.

Clarke gets up, still in the clothes from Sonya's house. The tight white sweater and white leggings are too warm now. She steps outside the tent that she's in, knowing it'll be cooler outside. The rest of the gang all turn their heads towards her, and Clarke wastes no time telling them everything.

"Russell could be a leader. Or some sort of head of a guard... just some position of authority," Shaw says. "Sonya and her family obviously answer to them, and based on what you're saying, I don't think they're the only ones."

"That seems reasonable," Jackson says. "But whoever he is- he is coming. He'll go to Sonya, and-"

"Sonya will tell him where we are," Miller finishes, crossing his arms.

"We will  _not_ attack," Bellamy emphasizes. "We need to understand what's going on."

"It could be Earth all over again, Bellamy," Clarke hisses. "They could get pissed just because we're here. It can't be  _whatever the hell we want_ again."

"Not attacking, Princess," Bellamy repeats, and Clarke bristles at the nickname.

"No, no attacking. But we have to be prepared. The  _bridge,_ Bellamy, the bridge."

"It won't be the bridge," Bellamy says quietly.

"Okay," Clarke says, nodding. She feels better already; having something to do, something to distract her from the black hole that's opening up inside of her.

"Okay," Echo agrees, and everyone murmurs their assent.

It's only then when they hear the yells outside the tent.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter sucked sorry lmao


	4. May You Find The Next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our first real interaction with the inhabitants of this planet.  
> Clarke has a confrontation with John Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been updating a lot since I started this fic, but I won't be able to update as fast starting next week; that's when school starts.  
> Love you all!

"Stand down, Jones!" 

Clarke and the others watch a group of men and women argue, and one man is standing in front of a woman, who has her gun aimed at the tent Clarke was just in.

"We don't know who they are, Russell," the woman hisses, and her face goes blank at the sight of Clarke and the others watching them. The man, the leader, Russell, turns around.

"Stand down, Jones, that's an  _order,"_ he says again, and the woman reluctantly lowers her gun.

"Well, we're not off to a very good start, are we," Russell says, stepping forward with his hand outstretched. Clarke shakes it, trying to hide her slight apprehension.

"That's what happens when you  _kidnap one of our own,"_ Bellamy mutters darkly behind her.

"Shut up, Bellamy," Clarke says, with more venom than she intended. She sees a hurt look cross his face, but it's gone in a second.

"We don't want war, Clarke. That is your name, yes?" Russell asks, eyeing her with curiosity.

"Yeah. Clarke Griffin. And we don't want war either," she says, her eyes flicking back to Bellamy and the others. He gives her a slight nod. "Our goal really is to coexist with you, you and your people," Clarke continues.

"Yes, I can understand that," Russell says, running a hand through his dark brown hair. He doesn't really seem to be much older than Clarke herself.

And somehow, he's a leader around here.

 _Oh, Clarke, you became a leader at eighteen,_ a voice in her head says, and she almost scoffs out loud. Because that turned out  _great_ for her.

"But, naturally, we must understand things about you in order to live with you, if that is what you're here for. I mean, wouldn't you share the same sentiment?" Russell questions, and Clarke can't help but notice the challenge in his eyes.

She turns her head to Bellamy, who is now standing next to her. "And what would we need to do in order for you to understand us?" he asks, and Clarke can tell he's worried, as if they'll try to take someone from the group.

"We can start with meetings between me and the leaders of your people. Whoever that may be."

 _See? Not the bridge with Trikru,_ Clarke wants to tell Bellamy, but her familiar need to comfort him isn't entirely present.

"Yeah, uh, we can arrange that," Bellamy says, clearly taken aback by the smooth agreement. 

"Alright. It's settled," Russell says, handing Clarke a smooth, thin tablet. "This will give you directions to our city. Just arrive at the front gates sometime tomorrow, and we'll have our meeting then."

"Our... our leader is still in space," Clarke says, and her heart aches at the thought of Madi.

"Then I suggest you hurry you get her down here," the woman, Jones, says with a sneer. Russell turns around and the men all get into some sort of formation, heading straight for the woods. Clarke listens for the sounds of their footsteps to fade away, but they stop abruptly after a minute or so. Clarke steps closer, but doesn't see anyone in the forest. She faces the group to ask them if they noticed that, but they're all discussing who to bring to the ground.

Clarke swallows and joins them.

"Should we get Octavia?" Miller asks.

" _No,_ " Bellamy snaps, almost immediately. "My sister has no power among Wonkru nor Eligius. Not anymore. We need..."

He trails off, looking at Clarke as if she's a bomb about to go off. Maybe she is.

"We need Madi."

" _Heda?_ Against all those men? What will they think of a child as our leader?" Echo asks in disbelief, and Clarke feels faint gratitude for the fact Echo is looking out for her child.

"Then we'll have Clarke and Madi," Bellamy says. "She handled the situation here pretty well, and Russell knows her." He says it as if he doesn't really like the fact.

Clarke knows Bellamy didn't appreciate how she didn't consult him at all about the interaction with Russell.

"And I'll have you, too," Clarke says, turning to Bellamy. It's the first time that she's wanted to be on good terms with him since they landed on the new planet. Bellamy is quiet for some time, turning to Echo for ( _what? Permission?)_ confirmation.

"Okay," he says, finally, eyeing her warily. "I'll go."

"Alright," Clarke sighs. "Shaw, I want Madi... Raven, Diyoza, Murphy, and Emori down here. I want them at the meeting too, they're pretty important."

"On it," Shaw declares, and goes to find his radio.

She turns to say something to Bellamy about gathering supplies for the trip, but he has his arms around Echo and is kissing her softly between words, and Clarke turns away.

* * *

"Clarke!" Madi runs towards her, and Clarke scoops her up in her arms. She hasn't picked Madi up for years, but Clarke can't help it now; despite Madi being a bit too big for her to lift up, she's extremely glad to see her. And then Clarke sees Raven and Emori, both whom, to her surprise, hug Clarke almost to the point of suffocation. Emori lets go first with a smile and goes to talk to Murphy, but Raven stays longer. When she finally pulls away, she stares earnestly at Clarke.

"You and me," Raven says. "We're good, okay? We're good."

"Commander order you not to be angry?" Clarke asks dejectedly, looking down.

"She doesn't have to," Raven says, putting two fingers under Clarke's chin and tilting her face up. "You're one of my best friends. And everything you did, it was to be a badass mom. And uh, I'm glad you're alive."

"And I'm glad you're alive, too," Clarke says, fighting back tears and hugging Raven again. "I thought... after the five year mark, sometimes I stopped believing you were out there."

Raven's crying too, but she laughs now. "It'll take more than an apocalypse to kill me," she says with a sniffly chuckle. "And to an extent, since I was taking care of their sorry asses, the apocalypse couldn't kill them either," she says, jerking her head towards the remaining members of Spacekru, who are all standing together. 

"Bellamy told me... he said I wasn't part of his family anymore," Clarke whispered. It's the first time she's talked to anyone about it, but she trusts Raven. and she just needs to get it all out. 

Raven sighs, then drags Clarke into a tent. 

"He didn't mean that, Clarke," Raven says, but Clarke already knows. Bellamy could never intentionally hurt her.

That's why Bellamy hurt her the most.

"I know," Clarke mumbles. "But he's right. I'm dead. Clarke Griffin is dead to you all."

"Not to me!" Raven snaps, kicking Clarke in the shin with her good leg, and Clarke winces, but it turns into light laughter.

"Want me to beat some sense into that big head of his?" Raven asks, more serious this time. Clarke shakes her head. She can't change Bellamy. She can't do anything at all.

"It's fine, Raven, really," Clarke declares with a smile, but no, it really isn't fine at all. And she knows that Raven notices, but thankfully, Raven doesn't push.

It's strange, how Clarke's need to tell someone about her pain has morphed back into the need to shove it down deep inside her head where it won't bother her when there are more important things to do.

"Raven," Echo says, stepping into the tent. Raven hugs Echo, and Clarke stands there for about two seconds before Echo yanks her towards them and they stand there for a while, limbs tangled together.

 _Maybe Echo isn't so bad after all,_ Clarke thinks, smiling slightly, her reconciliation with Raven and start of a friendship with Echo a small pinprick of light on a completely dark horizon.

* * *

Clarke's having an attack again.

It's not as bad as the one she had on her first day on the planet, but it's still pretty strong.

She could only remember Madi chatting with Shaw about how Clarke found her, and Clarke remembers hearing the words  _it's been 58 days since Praimfaya..._

And then she was running off into the woods without warning, ignoring for the group's yells for her to come back. 

She clutches the tree now, breathing uneven, her forehead against the trunk.

_God, please, please, please, I just want it to STOP-_

She isn't in the woods anymore. She's on top of the radio tower, watching the rocket take off. Watching her Bellamy leave her.

_It burns._

Everything burns, everything hurts, everything just  _aches._ Her mind, her head itself, her body, her heart most of all.

Her hands burning as she washes Finn's blood off her hands

Her face burning as she stumbles into Becca's lab.

It all repeats, over and over, but even when the attack fades away, she's still sitting against the tree and sobbing, unable to stop. She's reliving the moment when her dad was floated.

Remembering the fear when she thought she killed Bellamy and Finn after closing the dropship doors.

Letting her knife slide into Finn's heart.

Feeling the pain of everyone at Mount Weather.

Crying as Lexa bled out on the bed they had shared just the night before.

Seeing Lexa again in the City of Light.

Hearing Bellamy tell her that she couldn't say goodbye to her mother.

Watching Bellamy leave her on the dying planet.

Clarke sobs harder, rocking back and forth. Her ribs feel like they're going to burst, from the simultaneous effort to stop crying and to get it all out of her system. She brings her hands to her face, digging the heels of her palms into her eyes.

"Clarke."

She cries harder.

"Clarke, please, look at me."

Arms pull her up into a standing position and then wrap around her.

"Come on, Clarke, I'm here."

She recognizes the voice as Murphy's.

She stops crying, wiping her tears away, while standing in the circle of Murphy's arms.

"What's wrong with me?" she asks, and the tears come again, and she collapses against Murphy.

"Nothing is  _wrong_ with you," he says, sounding more gentle than he has in the entire time that Clarke has known him. They stand in silence for some time.

"You have panic attacks." A statement, awaiting her confirmation.

She nods against his chest. "I've had them since Praimfaya."

"Shit, Clarke..."

"I didn't get them often. They almost stopped completely after I found Madi. Maybe two or three times a year. And then you guys came," she says, almost apologetically, trying to make it not sound accusatory. "I can't keep doing this. How can I be of any use if I'm just going to pieces all the time? They're happening a lot more now, Murphy... the nightmare  _never_ ends."

Murphy holds her tighter.

"I know you're strong, Clarke. I also know that it's hard to be that strong all the time," Murphy mumbles, and Clarke knows that Murphy has an idea of how she feels. "Maybe you should sit this meeting out, Clarke. You never really took care of yourself, I knew that even back when I first met you," he says with a slight chuckle. 

"No, Murphy. I have to be there for Madi. She's just a child," Clarke hisses, and her anger at Bellamy for putting the Flame in her head is returning, creeping into her head.

Murphy is quiet for some time, and Clarke can tell that he sees some reason in her urge to be with her child.

"Okay," he concedes. "But after that, you need a break."

 _I never get a break,_ she would tell him, but Murphy guides her back to their group, and she knows that she will always bear it, so they don't have to.

* * *

The city is  _beautiful._

It looks a bit like the City of Light, with all the clean sidewalks and tall glass structures, but Clarke feels a bit more at ease here than she felt in the actual City of Light. Murphy is standing beside her; he hasn't left her side since her attack. Thankfully, no one mentions her little excursion into the woods.

Russell comes to greet them at what seems to be the only main entrance into the city just a few minutes after they arrive. He eyes the rest of the group with surprised curiosity.

"Are these all of your leaders?" he asks.

"No," Madi says, and the little girl is gone, replaced by the Commander. "It is me, Clarke Griffin, and Bellamy Blake," she states, pointing to them respectively.

Russell looks a little skeptical at the fact that Madi is a leader, but doesn't comment on it.

"Come with me, then. Leave the others."

Murphy, Raven, Emori, Echo, Shaw, Jackson, and Miller all erupt into cries of protest. 

"I'm sorry," Russell says, not at all sorry, and walks away, clearly expecting Clarke, Madi, and Bellamy to follow. Bellamy glances once at Clarke, who stares straight ahead as she walks. All the people in the city seem completely normal; dressed in normal clothes, doing normal things. It looked like what they might've seen in a city in the 21st century.

Russell leads them into the lobby of a particularly tall building, and guides them to a large room that appears to be a conference room.

There are a few men and women that seem to also be authoritative figures sitting in the chairs around the long table. They immediately stand when Russell enters the room, and it reminds Clarke of the whole  _Chancellor on deck_ thing on the Ark.

"At ease, Syndicate," Russell murmurs, and gestures for Bellamy, Clarke, and Madi to take the empty seats. Clarke sits next to Madi, and to her slight dismay, Bellamy sits on Clarke's other side. 

"Victoria," Russell says, nodding at a beautiful young woman with long, wavy brown hair and dark red lips.

Victoria clears her throat and turns to face Clarke.  _Damn, why me?_

"Tell us your story," Victoria says simply.

And so Clarke does, starting with the Ark, and the 100. She leaves out a few details, like who irradiated Mount Weather, the death of Finn, her relationship with Lexa.

She sees the faces of what she guesses is the Syndicate contort into surprise, respect, horror, and interest throughout her story, and when Clarke finally finishes, she notices that a few tears are stuck on her cheeks.

She wipes them away, not bothering to hide them because she knows that everyone saw it, anyway. 

"And in the end, this young child, who must be-"

"Twelve," Madi mutters, temporarily turning back into the child.

"Right," Victoria continues. "A twelve year old, a..."

"Twenty-four," Clarke says tonelessly.

"Twenty-four year old, and a..."

"Twenty-six." Bellamy sounds slightly amused.

Victoria closes her mouth, clearly accepting what she's dealing with here. Where Bellamy is entertained, Clarke is apprehensive.

"We do, of course, need to know more about your people, your government, your technology," Russell states, and she feels Bellamy tense next to her.

"How would we do that? And is there any assurance that we will learn about your people in return?" Madi asks, and Clarke can tell some members of the Syndicate are clearly surprised by her maturity.

"Yes," Victoria nods, a strange, unreadable smile on her face. "This will ensure that you know about us, and we know about you."

"Go on," Madi says, facing her. Russell clears his throat, getting ready to speak.

"Give us Clarke Griffin."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> echo is going to be a pretty complicated character in this fic, but I do want some sense of connection between her and Clarke because echo is actually a pretty cool character (despite my initial resentment towards her for being with Bellamy) and she'd have a good dynamic with Clarke  
> also, I know that I changed Bellamy's age here, but I just don't imagine him as that much older than Clarke. I guess I just wanna be dramatic so y'all gotta deal with it


	5. Safe Passage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is stuck in an impossible decision.

"No. No, what the hell? No!" Bellamy says immediately. "There has to be another way, damn it!"

 _There's the Bellamy I know,_ Clarke thinks, fighting a slight smile.

"It doesn't have to be effective immediately," Russell assures him, seeming slightly apologetic. "I know you seem... protective of Ms. Griffin."

Bellamy blushes a little, but doesn't say anything.

"When? When will it become effective?" Madi asks, a dangerous edge to her voice.

"It's up to you," Victoria says, tossing her dark waves over one shoulder. "Just as long as it isn't too delayed. Say, about a month to decide. You'll have to come at the end of this month, anyway."

"What month is it, again?" Bellamy asks in an entertaining attempt at stalling.

"October. Wednesday. Beginning of October," Russell says.

Clarke swallows. She should be 25 in a week or so. Give or take 125 years.

Bellamy seems to know that, for he turns his head to her. Clarke nods in confirmation.

"Bellamy, Madi... may we have a moment with Clarke?" Victoria says in a sugary voice, and they both look to Clarke for permission, even Madi.

Clarke nods. They get up and exit the room, Bellamy leading Madi away with a hand on her back.

"Bring the spy," Russell says to Victoria.

Victoria exits the room through another door and comes back with Echo.

Echo takes the empty seat that Bellamy vacated earlier, and nods in Clarke's direction.

Russell glances at all the members of the Syndicate, and begins.

* * *

 

Clarke puts her head in her hands, and Echo lets out a low whistle.

"The spy, and the assassin. You two are the best of your people in those areas of expertise, and this is the best, perhaps the only way to win this war," Victoria declares.

"We will _not_ fight your war for you, Russell," Clarke hisses. "It's between you, and the foreign nation. We don't want any part of this. Also, you're not even technically at war yet-"

"But we could be," Russell warns. "You and Echo would be valuable assets."

"Assets," Echo scoffs. Clarke lifts her head.

"What will we do if we don't do this?"

"It's up to you," Victoria says, sounding sympathetic. "But if you don't do this... you will be caught in the middle of us and the foreign nation. Your people, Wonkru, as you call it, will be nothing more than collateral damage in the midst of war. If you agree, at the end of the month, we will come to get you, and you'll spend time here learning whatever is necessary in order to take out the nation."

"It can't be us. Echo must be with her... her family. And I have to be there for Madi."

"Bellamy and the others can take care of Madi. I can understand if Echo cannot carry out the mission, but Clarke... you're... we need you."

Echo gets up and leaves. No one makes a move to stop her.

"Russell. This is not the only way," Clarke implores. "We can't help you. We just came here. And we'll find a way to stay out of war."

"Clarke, I wouldn't be asking if we had any other choice. This involves the least combat. We just need the elimination of a few key individuals, and there would be no war. Yes, Echo would be valuable in gathering extra information. But it is you, Commander of Death..."

Clarke tries not to wince.

"You are the _key,_ Ms. Griffin. We didn't know it before you came here, but we do now," Russell finishes.

Clarke shakes her head in disbelief. _I will not go down this road again._

When Clarke says nothing, Russell sighs and runs his hands through his hair. "I'll send the rest of them on their way while they can. There will be a storm coming soon, so we'll give you, Bellamy, and the child a place to stay for the night." Russell types away on his tablet, and Clarke knows she's dismissed.

* * *

 

A guard takes her, Bellamy, and Madi to a set of rooms that are located high up the tower. There are two bedrooms, looking more luxurious than anything they'd ever had, including Earth.

"I'll go freshen up," Clarke mumbles, and disappears into the pristine, white bathroom.

She stands there for a long time, clutching the sink, afraid to move, to do anything.

_Is this who I'll always be?_

Madi lies on the bed, completely asleep and taking up all the space on the bed by the time Clarke is done freshening up, and she smiles slightly, even though she knows she'll have to take the couch in the living room.

She walks out of the room, still drying her hair, when she hears a clatter and Bellamy cursing from the other bathroom. She immediately pushes the door open, and Bellamy stands by the sink, digging his heels into the palms of his eyes. Clarke notices a razor lying in the sink.

"Oh, Bellamy," she whispers, her familiar instinct to take care of him overcoming everything else. She cups his face in one hand and picks up the razor in another. She tries to be as gentle as possible, occasionally putting water on his face to make the process easier. Clarke has to grab Bellamy’s hip for a second to steady herself, and he jumps, causing her to nick his chin with the razor.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles, letting her fingers graze it. Bellamy takes her hand, and she ignores the swooping sensation in her stomach. "Let's cut your hair, yeah?"

She finds a pair of scissors in one of the drawers and gets to work again, and when she's done, Bellamy looks exactly the way he did before Praimfaya. Clarke almost bursts into tears at the sight of it. Bellamy must notice, because he immediately sets his hands down on either side of the sink, trapping Clarke between his arms, but she doesn’t feel trapped; his proximity is already calming Clarke down.

He inches just a bit closer, and their foreheads almost touch.

"Echo," Clarke breathes, and Bellamy immediately takes a step back. They stand in silence for a while, but Clarke can't handle it, so she goes straight into explaining what Russell wants from her.

She's barely holding Bellamy back from storming out of there to kill Russell as soon as she finishes talking.

"Bellamy. I have to."

“You _don’t.”_

 _"Yes,_ I do. It's the least I can do. I don't want us to be at war just a while after landing."

"But it's not about just Wonkru and the others, is it?" Bellamy asks, and Clarke knows that he'd catch on to it.

Clarke is silent.

"Don't you remember what I told you all those years ago?" he asks, rubbing his jaw as if he still expects the beard to be there. "Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things, Clarke. I know you want to do something to make up for Wanheda's legacy, but you have to understand that doing this will only make that harder. God, Clarke, he wants you to be an  _assassin."_

"A few more people dead," Clarke says, looking right into Bellamy's eyes. "To stop the oncoming war. All I do is cause war, Bellamy. But a few people, instead of the hundreds I might have to kill if I don't do this... it's a pretty good deal to me."

Bellamy is quiet for some time. "I worry about you, Clarke. This won't be good for you. Not up here," he says, tapping the side of Clarke's head, and she remembers doing the same before Bellamy left Earth.

"I'll be fine."

"You're not even fine now. I saw what happened the day we landed here. I know why Murphy ran after you. Everything you've done is crippling you from the inside out, and this may seem like a few more lives lost, but it might break you."

"Don't act like you know what will break me and what won't," Clarke snaps, stepping even farther away. "You have no goddamn idea."

Bellamy opens his mouth to speak, but Clarke shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Bellamy. I suppose, maybe, you have an idea of what it's like, but you don't know me."

Bellamy crumples against the wall of the bathroom as if those words physically hurt him.

"Clarke..." he whispers, taking her hand.

"It's okay, Bellamy. This is my absolution. This is how Wanheda ends."

Bellamy shakes his head, looking down. 

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. I'm doing this for you and Madi and the others more than I'm doing it for myself."

"I don't care what you think you're capable of," he says, his words returning to him. "It will hurt you. I can't see you hurting every second of every day."

"Oh, Bellamy," Clarke says, and tears are streaming down her cheeks. "You already are."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end of this chapter almost made me cry  
> also if you guys want me to write any scene in this story in someone else's point of view, let me know in the comments


	6. On Your Travels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke embarks on her journey, says her goodbyes.

Bellamy had nothing left to say to Clarke after her statement, so she exited the bathroom. She now lies on the couch, unable to sleep at all. She heard Bellamy exit the bathroom some time ago, and go to his bedroom. Clarke doesn't think he noticed her.

Clarke sighs slightly, trying to keep her eyes open. She is tired, and the sound of rain outside their room is making her even more drowsy.

But she's afraid to dream. Afraid of what she'll see.

It doesn't really matter, because sleep steals her away not long after her body relaxes on the couch.

* * *

 

_"Look. Our patch of green," Bellamy says, crossing his arms and staring down at the Earth. Clarke nods, but her focus is on the rest of the planet, watching as it burns. She thinks of how she barely made it to the pod._

_"I won't leave you" is what she said to Bellamy as she strapped herself into the rocket, and she heard Raven and the others sigh with relief._

_"Do you ever wonder if there are any_ nightbloods _alive down there?" Clarke asks, leaning against the window and facing Bellamy. He shudders at the thought. "God, I hope not. Praimfaya wouldn't kill them, but it would sure as hell hurt them."_

_Clarke nods, thinking of what would've happened if Bellamy and the others had gone without her._

_"Hey, Clarke..." Bellamy murmurs as if he's heard her thoughts. "It's okay. You're here now." He wraps his arms around her, and Clarke lets herself relax against him. It's beautiful, really. She has so much time with him now, no wars to come in between them._

_Maybe now, things will be alright between them._

_When she looks up, she sees stars from outside the window reflected in those kind brown eyes._

_Her heart races._

_Bellamy was always something of a celestial beauty to her, forever lighting her way but always untouchable._

_He isn't so untouchable anymore, she thinks, as he runs his fingers down arches, curves, and lines of her back. There's an unfamiliar look in his eyes, his expanding pupils carrying infinite tenderness and something else._

_I want an infinity with you, Bellamy Blake._

_She must have said it out loud, she realizes with a belated_ shock, _because Bellamy whispers "I do too," his lips brushing the shell of her ear, making her relax yet speeding up her heart rate at the same time._

_Clarke's arms reach up to loop around his neck. He is the sun and she is the sunflower, reaching for him._

_"I love every part, you know," Clarke hears him say quietly, dropping his forehead to her shoulder, and Clarke's mind goes blank except for the thought of just Bellamy._

_"Even the bad parts?" Clarke asks, the words spilling from her mouth as if they have a mind of their own._

_"Yes," Bellamy breathes, his voice low, his arms pulling her more tightly against him. "I love you. I love you, Clarke Griffin. I couldn't imagine life without you. I couldn't- losing you would..."_

_"No, Bellamy," Clarke says, wiping away the single tear making its way down Bellamy's freckled cheek. Her fingers start to trace the lines of constellations on his cheeks. "You won't lose me."_

_"Do you love me?" he asks, his voice ragged and just a little broken, and Clarke is reminded achingly of the boy who leaned against a tree, tears mixing with blood, believing he was a monster._

_But Clarke knew better._

_"Yes," she says, and it's all Bellamy needs, because then he ever so gently pecks Clarke on the lips, the kind of kiss that may have been shared between young children on a dare, but somehow Clarke can feel all the love behind it._

_"I love you, Bellamy," she says, and she's the one to kiss him this time, a little longer. They kiss over and_ over, _as if they're making up for everything they've lost, as if their lips are beginning to heal every wound inflicted on them, every war that has come between them, every tear shed for every death. And their kisses get longer, deeper, and more loving than the last, and so heartbreakingly gentle, so they're both breathing heavily and crying a little by the end. It's nothing like Clarke ever imagined, but it doesn't matter. She is with Bellamy. She is with her Bellamy at last._

_Bellamy picks her up then, carrying her to the room that he has on the ring._

_"I love you," he says. He says it over and over, with almost every inch of skin kissed, every inch of space that disappears between them, every boundary. Bellamy lights a fire of hope inside her, and she gives herself to that fire, lets it burn and warm her heart as they move in a perfect rhythm, going slow as if they have all the time in the world. But strangely, in between their kisses, Clarke imagines herself watching a rocket rise into the sky, a rocket she isn't on. She imagines herself literally burning, burning with fire and the pain that she is all alone-_

At some point, Clarke screams herself awake, and in her delirious state, she thinks she imagines Bellamy wordlessly lifting her up and carrying her, just like the dream. Bellamy, with his soft dark curls and beautiful eyes, as far away as the constellations that she sees on his skin.

* * *

 

There's a warm body lying next to her, and for a second she thinks it's Madi, and then she remembers that she slept on the couch.

But then she realizes that she's lying on her back in a bed, and Bellamy is also on his back, his eyes closed and his breathing slow and even. There's about a six inch gap in between their bodies, but she sees that her hand and Bellamy's hands are joined in the middle, and they just lie together for some time like that, sleeping with fingers interlaced like children in a fairy tale.

She sits up, remembering yesterday's events and last night's dream with violent force. Disentangling her fingers from Bellamy's, she stands, and goes to get ready for her day.

Bellamy is still sleeping peacefully by the time Clarke is dressed and ready, and so is Madi, so she gets a piece of paper from the study and leaves a note specifically for Madi.

Her head remains almost peacefully blank as she takes the elevator downstairs. Russell is chatting with Victoria, but his head turns up when Clarke approaches.

"Ms. Griffin-"

"I'm in."

"Uh, what?" Victoria asks, sounding younger than she is for a second.

"I said, I'm in. I just- I need one thing."

"What do you need?" Russell asks, fixing her with a critical gaze.

"If Echo says that she wants to be part of this, please, don't let her. I know she could help you, but she deserves to be with her family."

Victoria and Russell look at each other for a second, and then they nod.

"Bellamy, Madi, and I will go back home and join the others. I'll come back at the end of the month, and we'll start. It's settled?"

"It's settled, alright," Victoria says with a faint, smile.

* * *

"Raven?"

Clarke stands in the entry to Raven's tent, muscles aching from all the walking she's done to get to camp. Damn, don't they have better transportation.

"Hey, Clarke. Everything okay?" Raven asks, setting her hands on her hips and gazing at Clarke.

"I have to leave for a while. I need you to... I need you to take care of Madi."

"What the- Clarke, wait just one minute. Where are you going?"

Damn it. Clarke was ready for this; she was ready to explain it all to Raven.

_Was._

Clarke shakes her head. "Everything's fine, Raven. Just... Bellamy will tell you."

"Clarke?" Raven asks, stepping forward. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Clarke nods, trying to fight back tears. "You'll know, Raven. You'll know when you need to." Clarke looks down, feeling like there are knives stuck in her throat. She feels Raven hugging her.

"Everything will be okay, Clarke."

_I know, Raven. That's what I'm trying to make sure of._

Clarke sighs and steps out of her embrace. 

"Wonkru's coming down at the end of this month, you know," Raven says, in a clear attempt to cheer her up, but the thought only breaks Clarke's heart even more. 

"Raven, I'm sorry, I..."

Clarke trails off, and then she  _runs._ She runs into the Eligius transport ship, collapses against a desk. There's no one else in the ship; the silence is deafening. She looks down at the papers that are scattered on the desk, but it all blurs.

" _DAMN IT!"_ she screams, sweeping the papers off the table. She sinks to her knees, and god, she just wants to  _cry,_ but she physically can't; she's been in the habit of forcing tears down for too long. " _Damn it!"_ she yells again, slamming the table, sinking so her head is on it. Dry heaving sobs shake her body, and she seizes fistfuls of her hair, leaning heavily against the desk. Hurried footsteps approach her, and Clarke just sits there, doing nothing.

"Come on, Clarke, up you get," she hears Murphy say gently, pulling her up. She doesn't struggle. Murphy hugs her tightly, so tightly that it's hard for her to breathe. But she doesn't mind it; she knows that if Murphy wasn't holding her, she'd probably be breaking things. 

Murphy guides her out of the ship, and she sees Bellamy waiting, and  _damn_ if a part of her doesn't want to kiss every inch of his now smooth face.

She shoves the thought away.

Murphy takes her to him, and Bellamy sighs.

"I told you, Clarke. You don't have to do this."

"You  _piece of shit!"_ Clarke screams, launching herself at Bellamy, shoving him as hard as she can. She sees him look once at Murphy, and then suddenly Bellamy is wrapping his arms around her waist and picking her up and Clarke is screaming, she sees Raven and Shaw in her peripheral vision coming towards the commotion. Bellamy carries her into the woods, and she starts punching him as hard as she can, not even noticing the way he winces when she lands a particularly violent blow.

And then she remembers how Bellamy once told her about how Octavia beat him, and Clarke collapses in the circle of her arms, still punching him halfheartedly, and she's really sobbing now.

_"Damn it, Bellamy, damn it, damn it, damn it..."_

"I'm so sorry, Clarke," Bellamy mumbles, burying his face in her hair and stroking her back. "I'm sorry."

"You think it'll break me," she heaves, clutching his shirt. "But I can't be any more broken than I already am."

* * *

She left Bellamy as soon as she regained her composure, and now she walks towards her tent, when two different arms grab her shoulders. Raven and Echo step in front of her, and Clarke looks down. 

"Bellamy loves you," Echo says, and Clarke almost chokes. 

_Shit shit shit shit SHIT-_

"Don't look so scared, Clarke. I knew. That's why I'm going to end things with Bellamy," Echo whispers.

"No, no, don't," Clarke says. "Please. He can't lose you. He knows I'm a lost cause."

Raven inhales sharply.

"Seriously, Echo. Don't do it. I didn't tell Russell to refuse to let you join the mission-"

"You did  _what?"_ Echo hisses.

"What mission?" Raven asks at the same time.

"I said you'll know when you need to," Clarke snaps, and turns back to Echo. "Stay with Bellamy. Please. He needs you. And both of you- take care of Madi. When I'm gone. I planned to leave at the end of the month, but I should go sooner. Middle of the month."

"Your birthday," Raven says, a little unnecessarily. 

Clarke sighs.

"Clarke," Echo whispers, sounding kinder than Clarke had ever heard her sound.

"No, Echo," Clarke says. 

Raven's hands curl and uncurl into fists, and she's clearly speechless.

"It's in my hands now," Clarke whispers, and it starts to rain, and Clarke starts to  _feel_ again. 

"And the end of Wanheda is near."

 

 

 


	7. Until Our Final Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spacekru convinces Clarke to stay a while. Bellamy and Clarke have The Talk About The Radio Calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is hella long   
> enjoy

Echo glares up into the sky, at the rain. "You should at least stay for your birthday. Stay until everyone else gets here," Echo says, sighing.

Raven nods in agreement.

Clarke sighs, her eyes flicking from Raven's face to Echo's face, taking in Echo's troubled hazel eyes and Raven's angry dark brown ones.

"Fine," Clarke concedes. "And then I'm leaving."

None of them look happy about it, but they don't object. Clarke walks over to the fire and the circle of logs, and she sits next to Bellamy. He seems to subconsciously angle his body towards hers, as if he knows that she'll speak to him.

"I'm sorry I punched you," Clarke murmurs, staring into the fire.

"It's okay," Bellamy says, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. 

A wave of immense guilt crashes over Clarke, because she knows that Bellamy would follow her into the depths of hell if she asked him to.

"It's not okay," she murmurs, turning her gaze from the fire onto Bellamy. "It's not okay," she repeats. Bellamy regards her with concern, a dark curl falling over his face. Clarke instantly reaches out to brush it out of his eyes.

"All I do is hurt you, Bellamy. I've been hurting you since we landed on Earth."

"You know, Clarke, you're right. You've hurt me. Over and over," Bellamy starts, and Clarke tries not to implode. "But you've done other things as well. You supported me, helped me, made me feel like I was..."

"Like you were what, Bellamy?"

"Like I was loved," he says quietly. "Like I wasn't a monster."

Clarke is silent.

"My point is that you have done things that you believe make you an awful person, but you choose to ignore every good thing. Your kindness, your urge to put everyone else first. Yes, Clarke, you have a ruthless heart, but you have a good one. You have a good heart, and that's why I forgive you. Because yes, you have hurt me, but I trust that you don't want to." Bellamy laughs a little. "Some would call me foolish for only acknowledging your intentions rather than your actions, but they don't understand that I acknowledge both. When it's someone you care about, their intentions determine how you look at their actions." Bellamy focuses the entirety of his burning gaze on her.

"I know you're my best friend. I know it hurts you to hurt me. It doesn't mean I won't ever be mad at you, because god, I've been so goddamn mad at you for the things you've done sometimes. But first of all, you've done good things for me that make up for the bad, and second of all, I know I mean a lot to you. It's hard for me to trust that someone cares about me, but  _I know,_ I know you do."

"Why are you so good with words?" Clarke mutters, putting her head on her knees. "You always know what to say to me."

"I think you'd know a bit about what to say to  _me._ "

There's an edge to his voice that tells Clarke exactly what's happening. She raises her head.

"Madi told me about the calls," Bellamy states, sounding a little apologetic about it.

"I..."

"You called me. Not Raven. Not Murphy. Not even Harper or Monty. Forget Echo and Emori."

"Madi shouldn't have told you," Clarke mumbles, resigned.

"I wish you would've told me," Bellamy sighs, sounding hurt.

"I didn't want to... I didn't want it to be another burden."

"It wouldn't have been. God, Clarke, if I'd known you were alive..."

He doesn't finish his statement, but Clarke has a feeling that they're thinking of two different outcomes of her making it to the rocket on time. For him, more happiness. For Clarke, she's thinking about what would've happened between him and Echo.

Clarke remembers her dream the night they spent in the city and blushes.

"I left you alone," Bellamy murmurs, his voice breaking. Clarke takes a better look and sees that there are tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over. "I had nightmares about how you died. And then sometimes I hoped you survived down there because of the nightblood, but then I'd think of how you'd be all alone. And I'd blame myself. I missed you so much, Clarke. God, I don't even know what I'm saying..."

"I saved the messages on the radio," Clarke whispers, and regrets it immediately. But she relaxes a little. "I don't have the radio anymore."

Bellamy sighs. Suddenly, Raven is running towards them, sounding breathless. "Hey, Bellamy, remember when we found the Eligius mothership?" she asks.

Bellamy nods, and Clarke feels uncomfortable, feeling she's intruding on something.

"Well, I don't exactly remember what I did, but I relayed some of the data from the Ring and sent it to the mothership, and Shaw just found  _six years_ worth of radio messages on the Eligius database. We suspect it might be information on this city. Wanna come hear it?"

Bellamy and Clarke are both silent for a while, and then they look at each other.

"Sure," Bellamy says, supremely unconcerned. Clarke feels like her head is going to explode. Raven takes them to the transport ship, where Shaw stands at one of the dashboards.

"Should I play it?" Shaw asks.

"No," Bellamy and Clarke hiss at the same time, earning confused looks from both Raven and Shaw.

"Raven, will you give us a moment, please?" Clarke says, trying her absolute best to keep her voice even. Shaw and Raven look at each other, some sort of message passing in the glance. They wordlessly enter the ship, and Clarke closes the door to the entrance.

Then she immediately stands in front of the console.

"Move, Clarke," Bellamy says, his voice dangerously calm.

"Bellamy, no, you don't want to hear them."

Bellamy absentmindedly rubs the little cut on his chin. A cut Clarke gave him, but will never even begin to compare to what her calls will do to them. Clarke knows. Clarke knows that hearing her messages will shatter Bellamy, and god, she couldn't see her Bellamy in pain. No matter how angry she feels at him sometimes, in the end, she can't stand to see him in pain. 

Bellamy steps closer, putting his hands on the dashboard on either side of her, like he did in the bathroom just a night before, and Clarke is already experiencing the dizzying effects of being so close to Bellamy Blake. He leans closer and for a second Clarke is scared as hell that he's going to kiss her, but his face moves past her own, his chin grazing her shoulder, and Clarke knows what's happening an instant too late.

"Bellamy, no!"

" _I've been by myself for two months, but this is the first time... alone. It's like we were never here. Maybe we shouldn't have been. How the hell... five years?"_

Bellamy steps around Clarke, staring at the console with his mouth slightly open in shock. Clarke has her hands in her hair.

" _What's the point if all there is is pain and suffering?"_

Clarke's tinny chuckle rings out.

" _Real cheerful, Clarke."_

Bellamy gasps a little, and a couple tears fall over his freckled cheeks.

" _I'm done! Do you hear me? I've lost everything! I lost my friends, my father, my mother! I've got nothing left!"_

Clarke winces as the sound of her sobs ring through the room. She didn't know she accidentally recorded that. Radio Clarke sobs some more, and they hear the unmistakable sound of a trigger being squeezed. Bellamy covers his mouth with one hand, and he's shaking.

" _I used to think life was about more than just surviving..."_

_"It's been 58 days. By now, Monty should have the algae farm producing. How bad does it suck? No offense, Monty..."_

Years and years of messages play, and Bellamy cries the entire time. Clarke has no idea how long they stand there.

_"It's been two years since I found Madi. She's feisty for an eight year old- you'd really like her, Bellamy..."_

_"Bellamy?"_ Madi's little voice.  _"Clarke was really sad today. I think she really misses you, Bellamy. She's just lying in the grass and staring at the sky. It's Unity Day, isn't it? I heard her mumble 'best Unity Day ever...'"_

 _"Go on, Madi, I'll be right there."_ Clarke sounds sick. " _Hey, Bellamy. I'm feeling like shit today..."_ A laugh dissolves into coughs. Bellamy presses his hands into his eyes. " _Bellamy, I just wanted you to know... never mind. What good does it do any of us..."_

_"Bellamy? It's Madi. Clarke won't get out of bed. She's always in pain, Bellamy... when she sleeps, she screams in her dreams. She cries when she's awake. She's so sick, Bellamy, please come home..."_

_"Hey, Bellamy. Three years since Praimfaya. How is it up there? Have you told everyone on the Ring all the old myths about the constellations?"_ A pause. " _I wish you could've told me about the Greek myths. I wish we had time..."_

 _"Can you believe it? I'm turning twenty-two this week. Or maybe I already have. I don't remember my birthday..."_ A small sigh.  _"Anyways. That means you'll be twenty-four next month."_ Clarke can hear herself smile through the radio. " _Celebrate, Bellamy. Wherever you are. I love... I'd love it if you just relaxed for once..."_

" _Bellamy..."_ Radio Clarke is sobbing. " _It's been one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-five days since Praimfaya. Five years, Bellamy. Why aren't you back yet? Come back, Bellamy, I can't... Please. Please, god, Bellamy, just come back to me..."_

" _Here we go again._ _Bellamy, if you can hear me, you're alive..._ _"_

Bellamy sinks to the ground, sobbing audibly, his whole body shaking with the force of it. Clarke kneels behind him, wrapping her arms around him and stroking his hair.

" _Clarke,"_ he sobs, his body shaking even more violently. "Oh,  _Clarke, what have I done?_"

Clarke is crying too, but she tries to keep it under control so she can comfort Bellamy. She has no words, no words to explain the cold waves of sorrow and grief washing over her. Hearing those calls was like reliving all those days again. 

Bellamy turns around and tugs her towards him, and they sit like that for some time, Bellamy sitting against the console, and Clarke sitting on her knees with her arms wrapped tightly around him. And Bellamy holds her tightly, still crying. 

"You're here, Clarke, you're really here."

"Yeah, I am," she sniffles.

Bellamy guides them both to a standing position, then pulls away. 

"Did you try to kill yourself?" he asks, his dark curls a mess, his eyes bloodshot, his hands still shaking, and tears still making their way down his face.

Clarke says nothing.

"Did you?" Bellamy asks, sounding the way he did after he killed Dax. " _Did you?"_

"I thought I had nothing left," Clarke whispers, clutching the dashboard for support. "I had nothing. I lost everything. Everything and everyone I loved. All gone."

Bellamy turns away as if he can't bear to look at her.

"Clarke, how could you?"

"Please don't make it sound like it's my fault, Bellamy."

Bellamy is still crying, but he's calmed down a little, as Clarke can see.

"If I knew... if I knew you were down there..."

Clarke starts to shake. It's too much.  _It's too much._

She has to leave. Now.

Clarke opens the door and runs. Runs to her spot in the woods.

She knows she shouldn't be out here this late at night, but she stays long after her attack finally stops.

Clarke Griffin has spent the better part of her eighteenth year in solitary. She was isolated in Mount Weather many times.

She survived the beginning of Praimfaya alone.

But now, she's never felt as alone as she does now.

* * *

Over the course of the next few days, a couple more people come down to the new planet. Jordan arrives, and his contagiously happy presence lifts Clarke's mood a little bit. Abby and Diyoza come as well, and Clarke can tell how tense her mom is about Kane's current medical condition. And when Abby mentions it to her, Clarke remembers Kane hugging her before she set off for Becca's island, remembers herself relaxing in the paternal comfort. Before she even knows it, she's worried as hell about Kane too. Clarke explains Russell's mission to Abby, who takes it surprisingly stoically, and doesn't try to stop Clarke from doing it.

As well as that, Clarke and Diyoza seem to reach a steady truce and maybe even the start of a friendship. Clarke apologizes for threatening to kill Diyoza's child, and Diyoza just waves it off with the whole  _eh, it's war,_ sentiment.

Yeah, Diyoza's badass.

However, her connection with Shaw is something that confuses everyone except the people of Eligius.

"There's a city?" Diyoza asked. "Would've been easier if this planet was just free real estate."

"Dead meme," Shaw says with a snort, earning a glare from Diyoza. Clarke doesn't ask.

"I'm so tired, I wanna die," Clarke hears Shaw say one night, and whereas Raven and Bellamy respond with concerned, nervous laughter, Diyoza just mutters "mood" under her breath. 

It may be confusing, but the general easy nature of everyone on the ground so far seems to be making simultaneously harder and easier to think about leaving for Russell's mission.

It's a regular night when Raven and Murphy appear next to her and put their arms around her shoulders.

"Okay, what's going on?"

Murphy and Raven snicker conspiratorially.

Miller, Jackson, Jordan Echo, Emori, Madi, Bellamy, and Shaw are all gathered around the fire, and they all erupt into screams of  _HAPPY BIRTHDAY!_ as soon as she comes close to them. Clarke can't help it; her face breaks into a smile.

"Where's Abby and Diyoza?" she asks Raven, and Raven smiles. "They're sleeping," she says. "Come on."

* * *

"Jesus, Clarke, how are you not drunk right now?" Jordan says with a slight smile, and Raven, Murphy, and Clarke all smile at each other, remembering Monty with painful happiness. Even Madi seems to mourn Harper and Monty a little bit, having grown hearing Clarke's stories about them.

"I don't get drunk very easily," Clarke says with a smile.

"She doesn't get drunk at all," Murphy says. "It would take her at least four hours of continuous drinking just to get her a little tipsy."

"A gift and a curse," Clarke says with a smile.

It's strange. Clarke feels almost completely at ease right now, and it's not because of the drink Jordan so kindly made for them. She feels young again, and even though everything else is a persistent presence in the back of her mind, Clarke is letting herself enjoy the night. 

"I think," Raven says. "We should go around sharing our favorite things about Clarke."

Clarke goes bright red as everyone lets out cheers of assent. 

"I'll go first," Murphy calls out, and everyone goes silent to listen to him.

"Clarke Griffin is a survivor," Murphy calls out. "She's kind, but she knows what to do, and how to keep shit under control. Thanks, Clarke."

"Thanks, John," Clarke says, trying to fight the swell of emotion.

"Clarke Griffin actually has one hell of a sense of humor," Raven says. "At the end of the day, I think Clarke always has something to make us laugh, even though we don't always hear it."

"I only learn from the best," Clarke laughs, gesturing at Raven and Murphy.

"Clarke Griffin is selfless," Emori pipes up. "She was ready to test herself with nightblood rather than let me do it. And I know she did it for me  _and_ John. Thank you, Clarke."

"Anytime, Emori," Clarke murmurs.

"Clarke is a good leader," Miller says.

"Yeah," Jackson agrees. "Clarke inspires us all to be better. Clarke is one of the good ones."

Clarke appreciates the sentiment, but doesn't agree with Jackson. She doesn't say anything, because Raven sets off another cheer of agreement.

"Clarke is brave," Echo says quietly. "Yes, Clarke is afraid of some things, but she faces them nevertheless. She is a noble warrior... and a noble friend." Echo smiles genuinely at Clarke, and Clarke finds herself returning it. Bellamy watches the exchange with curious horror.

"Now,  _that's_ a scary friendship," Murphy says. "Probably scarier than Echo and Raven." Everyone dissolves into chuckles.

"I haven't known Clarke for long," Shaw says. "But I can tell she's badass, and a great friend." Raven smiles and laces her fingers with his.

"Mom and Dad told me about Clarke," Jordan says. "Mom even called her an avenging angel once... Dad said that Clarke was like the mom of the hundred. Always protecting her kids." Jordan laughs. "From what I've heard, I think it just might be Clarke's maternal instincts." This causes everyone, even Bellamy, to laugh.

"Clarke is... kinda scary when she's mad," Madi says with a slight chuckle. "But she's a great mom."

Clarke almost cries, but it would be tears of joy.

"Clarke protected me, and will always protect me," Madi continues. "And you were right- she does have a great sense of humor. I mean, it's definitely not appropriate for a twelve year old..."

"Heh- shit, Madi you weren't supposed to tell them that."

"Whoa, Clarke," Raven mutters. "I'd think your colorful vocabulary of the dropship days would be put to rest now that you have a kid."

"Clarke knows damn well she can't stop me," Madi declares, and Clarke hears Echo mutter " _damn, Heda_ " under her breath.

"Bellamy? It's your turn," Raven says, looking pointedly at him.

"I couldn't choose," he says. "There so many things everyone would love about Clarke."

Everyone is silent for some time.

"I'll drink to that," Murphy calls, and everyone raises their cups. "To Clarke," he calls.

"To Clarke."

Everyone drinks their moonshine except Madi, who doesn't have a cup, obviously, but is smiling happily.

They all talk for some time, and Echo and Bellamy are the first ones to go back to their tent. There's something extremely strained between them lately; they're nothing like the two people who were cuddling together on their first night on the ground.

Clarke is the only one sitting by the fire, everyone having retired to their tents, when Bellamy returns. Clarke stands up.

"Echo ended it with me," he says tonelessly.

"Are you okay?" Clarke asks, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"We both saw it coming," he says sadly. "I just didn't do it first because I didn't want to hurt her. But she's still my friend. Still family..."

Clarke swallows, remembering-

"And so are you." Bellamy looks at her. 

Clarke believes it, for the first time in a long time.

"Are you going to go?" he asks.

"Raven asked me to stay until Wonkru came down but... I might leave tomorrow. The sooner I can finish this, the better."

Bellamy nods in defeat. They stand in silence for a while, watching the fire, until Bellamy says her name.

"Yeah, Bellamy?"

He wraps an arm around her waist and tugs her close to him, and they're closer than they've ever been in any embrace they shared before.

He leans down and touches his forehead to hers.

Clarke closes her eyes, raising her arms and interlocking her fingers on the back of Bellamy's neck.

He plants a sweet, lingering kiss on her forehead, and Clarke stifles a sigh of relief, or maybe a sigh that came from his lips on her skin. She's glad Bellamy didn't actually kiss her; she doesn't know what she would do.

"May we meet again," he says against her forehead, and Clarke's arms go lower to wrap around his back.

"We will."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> diyoza was gen z and shaw was born at the tail end of it and diyoza taught shaw everything she knows don't @ me  
> also, should i post my original work  
> also, this is unedited, so sorry about the various grammar mistakes you may or may not find


	8. To The Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke starts her dangerous mission.

"Be safe, Clarke," Abby says, brushing Clarke's hair away from her face.

"I will."

"May we meet again, Clarke."

"May we meet again," she murmurs.

The last person she says goodbye to is Raven, who is still upset over her decision to leave early.

"Raven, I need you to do something," Clarke asks, setting her hands on Raven's shoulders.

"Yeah?"

Clarke gestures towards the transport ship. "I left a message for Bellamy. Just... tell him to listen. On November 24th. Not before. Not after.

"You remembered his birthday," Raven says, a slight smile blooming on her face. Clarke nods.

"I love you, Raven," Clarke says, wiping her tear away.

"I love you, Clarke," she says forcefully, throwing her arms around her.

"May we meet again."

"I know we will, Clarke."

* * *

_Bellamy,_

_I'm sorry I had to leave you. You know I never wanted to hurt you. Ever._

_If you followed the instruction on the envelope... you're 27 today. Crazy, right? Hard to believe that I've known you for so long. I enjoyed every year, Bellamy. Every year..._

_I'm sorry, this is really sounding like goodbye, isn't it?_

_Bellamy, take care of Madi. I know you don't really have a good track record with that request..._

_Sorry. I had to._

_Please, Bellamy._

_And... if anything happens to me..._

_If anything happens to me, I guess you have to use your head. I'm sorry we're having this talk._

_My mission is dangerous._

_I..._

_I love you, Bellamy._

_My love for you is as boundless as the stars I can see in your eyes and the stars I can see on your face._

_If by any chance I don't come back to you..._

_Heh, if we_  don't  _meet again..._

_Look at the stars, Bellamy. They're different here, did you know?_

_You should make up a few constellations._

_Some should be the hundred. Maybe all of them._

_Finn doing his spacewalk._

_Octavia chasing her butterflies._

_Jasper holding a glass of moonshine._

_You can even make one of me if you want._

_But if you do, I want to be with you, Bellamy._

_Even in the lines of the stars._

_Listen to my voice, Bellamy._

_Do you hear it?_

_Keep it in your heart, Bellamy, if I don't come back._

_And I want you to remember me telling you something._

_A fact that will stand until the end of time. And even after._

_Listen to me, Bellamy._

_I love you._

_I love you, Bellamy Blake._

_I love you._

* * *

"Ms. Griffin?"

"I'm listening, Russell."

"Good. Tori, give me the list."

Victoria hands Russell a tablet, and Russell clears his throat.

"Magnolia Ajax," Victoria says, as a woman's face appears on the wall in front of them. "She's our first target. Magnolia is the foreign nation's director of their space program, and by extent, in control of the external weapons..."

"Along with Helena Woods. One of the higher ranking generals. Also on the list."

"Lexa Larson. Representative in the United Continental Embassy."

Clarke swallows.

"James Morley. Another general, works with Helena Woods."

"William Taylor. Vice director of their security force," Victoria continues. "Alexander Nakamura. We believe he may be the director of an undercover group of spies."

"Remember, Clarke. And Victoria, since you'll be on the mission as well."

Clarke is surprised, but doesn't say anything as she leans forward to hear what Russell wants her to remember.

"They must never, ever know your true names. It is entirely possible that those six individuals will not be the only lives lost. Do whatever you can to maintain absolute secrecy. Alright?" Russell asks.

Clarke and Victoria murmur in assent.

"I have one question, though," Clarke says, and Russell and Tori both look at her.

"Will I ever be able to go back to them? My people? To visit?"

"In the middle of a mission-!" Victoria erupts, but Russell holds his hand up for silence.

"If you truly wish for it, Ms. Griffin, I will allow you to return home for two days at a time. At most. Tori will simply have to fill in for you- which won't be an issue, because she doesn't have anyone to visit back here."

Tori's clutching the edge of the table so tightly that her fingers are white, and Clarke has the horrible suspicion that Russell had something to do with her lack of family.

"It's settled, then," Russell declares, handing a sleek black metal wristband to both of them. Tori snatches it with barely contained venom. "This is so you can communicate with me, and so we know where you are. Understood?"

They both nod.

"Claire Austin," Russell says to Clarke, then turns to Tori. "Valeria Bennett." He taps something on his tablet, and Clarke feels her wristband vibrate.

"Welcome to your new lives."

* * *

_**One Month Later** _

November 17th. A week until Bellamy's birthday.

Clarke sits up, reaches for the shirt that was hastily discarded last night.

"Clarke..." she hears Tori mumble, rolling over to face her. "What time is it?"

"Time to go," Clarke says, smiling at Victoria, who sits up clutching the sheet to her chest.

"What a cliche," Tori says with a laugh. "Two partners on a mission hooking up. How many times have I heard that before?"

Clarke laughs slightly, throwing Victoria's clothes at her. She catches it with one hand easily, the other hand pressing the sheet to her chest.

"Get dressed,  _Valeria,_ " Clarke says as she enters the hotel bathroom, and she hears Victoria giggle behind her. Clarke thinks it's a pleasant sound; she's grown accustomed to it being one of the first things she hears in the mornings.

She likes Victoria, she really does.

But Clarke and Victoria could never be.

Victoria is too unpredictable; that's the way spies were supposed to be. Clarke is simply too unstable.

If there's one thing Clarke's relieved about, it's that their nights spent only in the comforts of each other don't mean anything to them beyond a mere physical attraction, which may make her sound like a shitty person, but Clarke doesn't really care.

And besides; at the end of the day, her thoughts are always occupied by dark curls and freckled cheeks.

When Clarke steps out of the bathroom, fully dressed, Victoria stands fully dressed as well, watching a news broadcast projected onto one of the pristine walls.

"They're looking for Magnolia's killer," Victoria says. "They say they haven't found a trace of evidence leading to any suspects. All they have is motive."

"I'm that good," Clarke says, but she's trying to fight the sickness that comes with remembering how she entered Magnolia's apartment and threw the knife so it would strike Magnolia's neck...

_Stop it, Clarke. You're doing this for a good reason._

It scares Clarke, how raw and near the surface of her calm exterior her emotions tend to be these days, and Clarke worries it will affect the way she carries out the mission.

"You alright, Claire?" Tori asks, tossing Clarke her leather jacket. In the early morning light, Tori's bronze skin seems to glow.

"I'm alright," Clarke mutters. "Who is it today?"

"Lexa Larson," Tori says, tucking the hotel key card into the pocket of her jeans. Clarke is about to tell her that it'll probably get lost, but doesn't. Everything Tori does is for a reason. "It should be quick; Lexa's on her way to a conference in the Orbita Tower. I made sure the seventy-second level will be completely clear of all personnel. That should make it easy."

_None of this is easy, Tori._

"Alright," Clarke says, trying to keep her breathing even. To her surprise, she's only had one panic attack in her entire time at the foreign nation so far. She was alone for the entirety of it; Tori was out setting some 'accident' in which Helena Woods would tragically die. Clarke missed Murphy's comforting voice, missed Raven's kind face, missed Echo's smile. Missed everything about Bellamy.

When Tori returned, it was as if nothing happened, because Clarke was there, smiling as if she didn't spend the last hour curled up under the covers crying and shaking.

 _The end of Wanheda is near,_ Clarke remembers herself telling Raven and Echo, and she repeats it over and over in her head, taking whatever slight comfort from it she can.

_The end of Wanheda is near._

_The end of Wanheda is near._

* * *

God, she looks just like her.

Lexa Larson looks like Lexa. 

_Clarke's Lexa._

The universe is making her the rear end of some sick, sick joke.

Well, Lexa Larson doesn't look exactly like Lexa, but there are things about her that reminds Clarke of the late Commander too much. The same long, lustrous hair, the full lips. The same beautiful green eyes. Her confident posture.  _She walks like a Commander,_ Clarke thought. 

Clarke brings her wristband to her mouth. "Audio and video surveillance down?" she asks.

Tori is silent for a moment.

 _"Valeria,"_ Clarke says.

"They're down! They're down. Larson just got into the elevator."

Clarke nods, and then goes to the elevator to press the  _up_ button. She waits, and sure enough, the elevator opens, and Lexa Larson, the face that Clarke has already seen before, both in Russell's reports and in the face of her last lover, stands there. Clarke steps into the elevator, completely silent. 

"You going to the conference?" Lexa asks, and damn, she sounds like Clarke's Lexa too.

"Yep," Clarke mutters.

_Lexa, I am so, so sorry._

Clarke doesn't know which Lexa that was intended for.

Lexa Larson barely makes a sound when Clarke stabs her in the neck, the same place she stuck her knife in to kill Atom.

Clarke starts to shake.

_No no no no no no no_

For a second, Clarke thinks that Lexa Larson's blood is black.

But then Clarke blinks, and it's red again. 

_oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my GOD_

With shaking fingers, Clarke directs the elevator back to the seventy-second floor.

Lexa is light.

Clarke drags her into an empty conference room, careful not to let her leather gloves expose any bit of her skin. God, she's shaking so goddamn much.

Strangely, she finds herself murmuring the words.

_Yu gonplei ste odon._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda wack


	9. May We Meet Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke makes a discovery that could change everything.  
> And it does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Victoria.... eeeeeeh. I promise you guys will know the whole thing this chapter.  
> Also, a couple uses of more explicit language throughout the rest of the story starting here. Nothing serious, but you've been warned.

"Where's her body, Claire?" Tori asks, as they silently enter their hotel room. It takes Clarke a while to comprehend that Victoria is speaking to her; ever since Clarke killed Lexa Larson, the entire world's seemed to be dangerously off its axis.

Something is wrong.

"In the conference room, just like we talked about," Clarke responds, trying to push past her growing headache. She feels like there is a metal hand tightly squeezing her brain, and she is trying to push it away.

As soon as Tori puts down her key card, she turns around and starts the slowly push Clarke's jacket off her shoulders.

"Victoria, what are you doing?"

"What we've done like, three times now." Clarke realizes she means...

Why didn't she remember that she and Tori had hooked up three times in the last month?

"Victoria, we shouldn't."

"Why so hesitant now?" Tori asks, stepping back to look at Clarke, but Clarke is losing focus. She feels like some has poured a million ice cubes all over her body.

"Why did I sleep with you?" Clarke asks, clutching the table tightly.

"Well, that's not the type of question I'd like to hear," Tori says, but instead of hurt or anger, Clarke sees a hint of panic.

"Yeah, well, it was a mistake," Clarke hisses, trying not to faint.

She remembers with the force of a lightning blast.

She told Bellamy she loves him.

Clarke suspects that a part of her must've been aware of what she'd been doing with Tori. Maybe even acknowledged that she'd done it in a fucked up attempt to take her mind off the weight of everything settling on her shoulders again.

But Clarke knew there was something more to it.

She just couldn't understand what it was...

"Clarke, what's going on?" Victoria asks, putting a hand on Clarke's shoulder. Clarke violently shoves it off. Clarke's about to tell Victoria not to touch her when the door opens with force.

A young woman with Asian features strides in, followed by two men who look to be about her age or slightly older.

"Victoria Adler. Clarke Griffin. We've been looking for you," the woman says, and one of the men promptly lunge forward with inhuman speed and inject Victoria with something that makes her faint. "Get that for me, James, will you?" The woman turns to Clarke. "I think you're going to want to come with me."

* * *

 

"My name is Alexandra Nakamura. You may know me as Alexander. Glad to see my trick worked," the woman says with a wicked smile, looking at James. James smiles back with an equally mischievous grin. Clarke sits in a stark white office, located at one of the highest levels of the Orbita Tower. Victoria is slumped over in the chair beside her, still having not woken up from the effects of the drug James gave her. Clarke feels a strange wave of relief that both of Victoria's hands are cuffed to the chair.

God, she's so  _fucking tired._

Clarke's head is going to fall off.

"Alexandra..." Clarke begins.

"I know that Jamie, Will and I were on your little list," Alexandra says with a dismissive wave of her hand. "But you're the only innocent one in this scenario, Clarke."

Clarke would ask her what the hell is going on if her head wasn't getting progressively worse. Seriously, was it that bad just a few minutes ago?

Alexandra seems to notice. "I'd better get started before the aftermath becomes unbearable," she says, running a hand through her silky black hair. When Alexandra shifts, Clarke catches a glimpse of the words on the pen in her breast pocket.

_Eligius._

"You, of course, would know about Eligius," Alexandra says, taking the pen out and putting it in front of Clarke. We've been monitoring your ship since before it landed."

"Eligius," Clarke repeats stupidly, the white hot pain behind her eyes making it hard to form coherent thoughts.

"Yeah. We were the original settlers. We are the originals," Alexandra says, idly twirling her finger, and Clarke notices that the pen is hovering an inch above the table and spinning in tune to Alexandra's movements.

"Adaptation and evolution," Alexandra explains, stopping the twirl of her fingers and therefore letting the pen fall to the ground. Clarke exhales in astonishment. "This planet has gone without war for almost a hundred and twenty-five years. Because of us. Our abilities made us the most powerful people here, and we used it to  _live."_

Alexandra sighs a little, and Clarke's head gives another painful twinge.

"It sounds unbelievable, or stupid, or both," she says. "It did to me, too. But Clarke, this is the real reason Russell wanted us dead."

Clarke leans forward and braces her elbows on the table.

"I knew him, when we were kids. Well, when I was a kid and he was a young adult." Alexandra's eyes glaze over a little, and Clarke knows she's remembering some distant memory that's been in her head for too long but never stopped hurting. "He wanted it all, Clarke. He wanted the world. He wanted to be like me," Alexandra says, a slight hitch in her voice as the pen floats over to Clarke, who takes it hesitantly.

"What does this happen to do with anything?" Clarke asks, her brain itself on fire.

"He is like me now," Alexandra said quietly. "And that's the reason you're here. There was never any war, Clarke. This is so he can seize control of the United Continental Embassy, of this planet...

"He used you, Clarke."

Some of the fire in her head turns into icy shock. She feels like she's been doused in cold water.

That's right when the door opens, and Russell stands there, two men behind him.

Alexandra has a gun out and pointed at him before Clarke can even take a breath. Her head starts to hurt a little less.

"Let her go, Castor," Alexandra says quietly.

"You were always too soft, Xandra," Russell says, almost sweetly, and a steely anger forms in Alexandra's eyes. "Come on, Clarke," Russell says, walking towards her, and the closer he gets, the less Clarke's head hurts.

"Let her  _go!_ " Alexandra says, more forcefully this time, and for a second, the pain returns.

Victoria wakes up, and starts to struggle against the restraints. Russell takes one look at them, and the handcuffs are unlocked.

_He is like me now._

Clarke slides a hand into the pocket of her jeans and withdraws a small knife, hiding it with her body.

Be better.

It's all Monty and Harper really asked of them.

Be better, Clarke, she tells herself as she tucks her knife safely into her boot.

Be better, Clarke, she tells herself, as she braces herself for the blood.

Clarke doesn't doubt her abilities in hand to hand combat. Sure, most of her kills have been indirect, but Clarke can fight. So when Clarke lunges towards Russell, she's definitely not expecting to have an invisible force slam into her and bring her to her knees before she can even make it halfway to him.

Clarke takes her extra knife out of the inside jacket pocket and throws it at Russell, who waves it away with lazy indifference. Meanwhile, Alexandra and James are fighting the two other men.

Victoria has taken her place at Russell's side, watching the scene with supreme indifference.

"Go ahead, Tori," Russell says, and next thing Clarke knows, she and Victoria are attacking each other, wayward kicks and punches flying everywhere.

"Surrender, Ms. Griffin. I promise the pain will go away. Don't listen to Xandra."

There are two muffled yells, and someone else's blood sprays all over the back of Clarke's jacket. She turns around and sees Russell's two men lying in a pool of their own blood. Alexandra's given her gun to James and now holds a wickedly sharp looking knife, dripping with fresh blood.

"I won't ask you again, Castor," she says to Russell, her eyes glinting with malice.

"You won't have to," Russell says quietly, and Tori starts attacking her again, and this time Tori has her own weapon. At some point, Clarke feels blood pouring copiously down one side of her face, and the pain in her head is exploding.

It's lucky the world finally goes black before her world explodes entirely.

* * *

Clarke screams again, as if she can yank the handcuffs off with the sheer force of her will. She woke up in a hospital bed, probably back at the city near Wonkru's settlement, and the white sheets are stained red with the now dried blood on her face and the blood on her wrists from trying to fight her restraints.

_Bellamy Bellamy Bellamy Bellamy come back come back_

Clarke rests for a second and tries to make sense of everything that's happened, but it seems as if her reasons and motives for doing things have simply fallen out of her memory.

_What has Russell done to me?_

Is his name even Russell? Alexandra called him Castor.

Everything fucking hurts.

_Ms. Griffin._

Clarke hears Russell's voice in her head and knows that she's definitely losing it.

_Your sanity is still intact, Ms. Griffin. It is your resolve that is weak..._

She hears Russell's sly chuckle.

"Get out of my head," Clarke whispers, hitting her head against the pillows.

_It will only hurt you, Clarke._

Silence. For a moment, Clarke thinks he's gone.

_I did this for us. For Wonkru. We could've all been the greatest beings in the universe. I coerced you to bring everyone closer to the greater good._

"Coerced?" Clarke asks, her fingers curling into tight fists.

_I wish I could say I was sorry... but if Eligius fell... it could've been you and me, Clarke. It could've been us, coexisting as the higher beings._

"What did you do to Alexandra?" Clarke asks, gritting her teeth.

_The right thing. It's all about the right thing. You would know about wanting the right thing for your people, wouldn't you, Clarke?_

"Get out of my goddamn head," Clarke repeats, and is only greeted by Russell and his self assured laugh. "Get out!  _Get out! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!"_

Clarke starts to scream for him to get out of her head over and over, but not only is his voice still ringing in her ears, but her head starts to hurt again. The sound of the door banging open doesn't help either, and Clarke can barely see beyond the red, black, and white spots clouding her vision. For a second, she thinks Echo and Murphy are there, standing by her.

No one's coming to get her.

The handcuffs are unlocked. 

" _Let me go!"_ Clarke screams, and she thinks that one of Russell's stony faced men are dragging her away, dragging someplace worse. She starts to struggle against the two sets of arms holding her in place.

"Sedate her," she hears a voice say, and she doesn't know whether she recognizes it or not; there is a supernova in her mind, pain and anger and fear and sorrow and guilt and panic-

She feels the prick of a needle in her neck, and the world fades away.

* * *

She wakes up. She's outside; she can smell the trees, smell the sweet, sweet air.

_They're going to execute me, shoot me point blank in the head-_

It wouldn't hurt as much as  _everything_ does now. 

"Let me go," she says again, and starts to struggle violently, and feels two strong arms wrap around her middle from behind. Another hand reaching up to touch the bloodied side of her face. All the faces are blurring together, and she has no idea what the hell is happening.

Things start to shift into focus a little.

"You're not real," she tells Murphy. And then her anger returns. " _YOU'RE NOT REAL! GET OUT! JUST GET OUT!"_

"Clarke, no, please, calm down," she hears another voice say, and then she hears Murphy mumble "take her to the solitary wing" with a sad voice.

"Oh, yeah?" Clarke asks, blood dribbling down her chin. "You gonna lock me in the fucking psych ward, Murphy? Is that what you're going to do?" Clarke lunges blindly at who she thinks is Murphy. "You think I'm the crazy one?  _You think I'm the fucking crazy one?"_ God, it hurts. It hurts so much that tears are starting to mix with the blood. "Murphy, I swear to  _GOD-_ "

And god, it's like Praimfaya is happening in her head, because she suddenly passes out from the feeling of her brain and her skull turning into fire.

* * *

At least she's not restrained.

But she's alone, and that's just as bad.

She looks around, recognizes the telltale weathered walls of the Eligius transport ship.

_Am I really here?_

Clarke reaches up and touches her face. Still bloody. She can feel many cuts from her hairline down to her chin, and the half of her face that isn't covered in blood seems to be covered in bruises.

The door opens, and Murphy walks in, carrying a bowl of what seems to be water, and a towel.

"What day is it?" Clarke asks, running her fingers over her skin.

"November twenty-second," Murphy mumbles, sitting down on her bed. "Sit up."

"Go away, Murphy," Clarke says, not looking at him.

"I'm sorry, Clarke."

" _Go away._ "

He doesn't.

"You wanna know something, John?" Clarke finally says, when she can't stand the feel of her damaged face anymore. "It didn't mean anything. That bullshit mission didn't mean a thing. They got in my fucking head, Murphy," she says, sitting up and tapping the side of Murphy's head. "They made me do what they wanted me to do. Just so they could have the most power. And then they lied, saying that I could rule with them. He made me kill, for his own bid for power. I didn't want to be Wanheda anymore, Murphy. I didn't fucking  _WANT IT ANYMORE!_ "

Clarke takes a deep breath.

"I thought that this would be the end. That these last few lives lost would end my reputation of a murderer for good. I guess my thoughts mixed with it, but they made me do it."

Clarke starts to cry.

"I killed two people. Not a big deal compared to what I did before, right, Murphy?"

Murphy doesn't respond.

"It didn't mean anything."

Murphy starts to clean the blood off her face, but says nothing.

"Bellamy was right," Clarke whispers, her tears abruptly disappearing. In the wake of her sadness, there's a blank void.

"And now look at me. I'll never be anything more than Wanheda."

Murphy looks at her, but doesn't say anything.

"I'm a killer. I'm a killer. I killed for nothing. I killed for  _nothing._ "

Murphy sighs sadly.

"And my partner, she did something to my head too," Clarke continues, unable to stop. "I actually fucking  _slept with her._ I actually did."

Murphy looks away as if he's remembering something he doesn't want to.

"Jackson was wrong; I'm not one of the good ones," Clarke says, tears running down her face again, but she can't feel them. "I'm the worst, Murphy. There's nothing good in here anymore. Nothing."

* * *

Nobody visits for hours after Murphy leaves. Not even Abby, or Madi, or Bellamy, or Raven, or even Echo. No one.

Clarke fears solitude with a terrifying passion now, because all she remembers is Russell's voice whispering in her head. She thinks she can tell the difference between Russell actually being in her head and her imagining it; but none of those two are any less terrifying than the other.

"November twenty-third. Welcome back," Murphy says. Clarke hasn't slept since he last came. 

On an impulse, she hugs Murphy so tightly that she hears him gasp as soon as she wraps her arms around him.

"I'm so sorry, Clarke," Murphy says when she pulls away. Clarke shakes her head.

"Don't be."

Her first stop is the console where her message for Bellamy is recorded. She transfers the message to a spare radio and erases it from the console itself. She'll give the message to Bellamy when the time is right.

She couldn't do it now.

Not with the guilt of letting Tori and Russell fool her fresh in her mind.

Clarke finds herself standing like a statue in the middle of one of the deserted hallways, sometimes thinking that the shadows at the end of the hall are Russell's men coming for her.

"Clarke?"

It's Bellamy. Clarke turns around, and the world seems just a little brighter and a little sharper around the edges, the way it always is whenever Bellamy's around.

But it can't brighten the darkness that hangs over her.

He steps closer and brushes a finger over her cuts and bruises.

"Did you come to tell me you told me so," Clarke says, but there's no humor behind the statement. Not anger, not sadness. There is nothing.

"No, Clarke," he says, still tracing the injuries on her face.

"I'm just..." Clarke trails off, not knowing what she would say. "I'm just really tired, Bellamy."

"I know," he says, pulling her close and burying his face in her hair.

"Bellamy, I probably haven't had a shower in five days," Clarke says tonelessly.

"Yeah, you did, Abby helped you take a shower. I mean, you were okay for a while and Abby told me that you recognized her, but after you were all cleaned up you started to scream again and they had you on so many sedatives you probably forgot the whole thing."

Doesn't seem unreasonable.

"I'm tired," Clarke says again, and she collapses against Bellamy, all the fight leaking out of her bones. Bellamy moves his arms and picks her up, and starts to carry her away. She falls asleep somewhere along the way, but when she wakes up late at night, in a safe bed and her head on Bellamy's chest and his arms wrapped around her tightly, she still shakes and sobs from the nightmares of the past few days. Of course, Bellamy is there, to soothe her, to whisper comfortingly against her hair, to coax her hand into loosening its tight grip on his light shirt, to stroke her back and tell her it's okay.

But it's not okay.

Even as she sleeps, closer to Bellamy than she's ever been before, Clarke knows that it's not okay.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow.  
> that was intense.


	10. Welcome To Your Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexandra Nakamura has a dark tale to tell.

Clarke changed.

It's not even the way she's changed since Praimfaya. It's how much she's changed since she landed on the new planet.

Madi worries; of course she would.

Abby seems to have put people up to making sure Clarke is with someone at all times. It tires her and makes her restless and agitated, the constant presence of someone or the other. But perhaps without someone watching, Clarke's sanity would most likely fall into pieces.

There are a few intervals here and there where she's alone; Wonkru and Eligius are busy with building their little settlement. Clarke watches from afar as Octavia slowly but surely begins to rise from the ashes of Blodreina. Bellamy still avoids her.

Clarke stops eating.

Really, the only way if she really gets any food in is if Bellamy or Madi or Raven is quite literally feeding her. Clarke should've seen it coming when Raven burst into the tent she shared with Bellamy, holding a plate with deer meat on it ("Yeah, there are deer here. can you believe it?"). Raven had seized Clarke's chin and pried her mouth open, feeding Clarke the meat with the other hand.

It would've been entertaining if Clarke wasn't in a constant state of trauma. 

Over the next few days, this was repeated by Madi and Bellamy. Madi was stressed and kept missing Clarke's mouth; Bellamy was gentle, as always.

Clarke stares into the fire now, everyone else having gone off to bed after a long day of cabin building. Bellamy offered to stay back with Clarke, but she declined.

Not like she's going anywhere.

Clarke turns her head to the rest of the haphazard camp, tents and half built cabins filling the clearing. Clarke blinks, and suddenly Alexandra and James are standing there, just a few feet away from her.

_What the fuck?_

It's real. At least, Clarke thinks it is. Alexandra lets go of James's hand and walks toward Clarke.

"Hi," Alexandra says, a bit of her cool exterior falling away to reveal the young woman. James stifles a snicker.

"How are you here?" Clarke asks, not bothering to get up. She's just too tired.

"James can teleport."

James nods.

Well, out of all the crazy shit that's happened since she's got here, this news about James is definitely one of the more believable things.

"Russell and Victoria have powers. Why did they need me?" Clarke asks, when Alexandra and James sit down on the logs on either side of her. 

"Didn't you ever wonder how they got those powers? Why they're the only ones?" James asks, his blonde hair shining in the light of the fire.

"Maybe," Clarke says, looking back into the fire.

"My cells and genes are mutated. Most fourth generation Eligius people have the same condition as me. Castor Russell used me to get his own powers, and gave them to sweet Victora Adler," Alexandra says, and once again, Clarke can sense the slightly shaky undertone to her voice.

"So why'd he want you dead?" Clarke asks.

"I'm the only one standing in the way of his experimentation. God, Clarke, if his people were ever to become like me, like Jamie, like Will..."

Clarke doesn't find the scenario very appealing either.

"It would be genocide," James continues. "He'd decimate all of Eligius. Russell always wanted to be in control. He fears that which is unpredictable."

"He and Victoria controlled me," Clarke says, turning to Alexandra, who nods sadly.

Clarke puts her elbows on her knees and rests her chin in her hands. 

"Your people should work with ours, Clarke. We can't let Russell win."

"I've heard it all before," a new voice says. Bellamy, standing behind them, a hand on his gun.

"They're fine," Clarke says, and Bellamy relaxes a little. "But he's right. It's not a new argument, and it's always gone to shit."

"Clarke, I'd never use my abilities to hurt you. I promise. I know... I know what it's like," Alexandra says, and Clarke somehow knows that she's being sincere. Alexandra and James share a look, and they both turn back to Clarke. James puts his hand on Clarke's shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, Clarke."

Clarke gently shrugs his hand away. "Fine. Come back tomorrow. We'll make plans." Alexandra looks relieved, but Clarke stands before she can say anything. "But I'm not involved. I'm not doing anything." Clarke walks past Bellamy and back to their tent, still remembering when Russell came to her with the same proposition.

* * *

She knows she should be back there; really, she does. Alexandra and James are probably talking to Diyoza and hopefully Kane; Abby told Clarke that Kane survived the surgery and is in the long process of recovery.

It's approaching dusk, and Clarke walks farther into the forest, going the opposite direction of the lake. The sky darkens steadily, and she eventually finds herself at a cliff.

It's just the like the one where Charlotte sacrificed herself.

Except it's so much more beautiful than that, bioluminescent flowers starting to glow brightly around the clearing near the edge of the cliff. And up above her, millions of stars.

Clarke lies down on the grass, inhaling the sweet scent of rain and flowers. The stars glow above her, but for once she's not reminded of Bellamy's freckles.

There's something inherently beautiful about the fear from lying so close to the edge of the cliff, a terrifying dance between fear and wonder. And Clarke loves it now, loves the rush of air beneath her fingertips as they dangle over the ledge, and taking slow, deep breaths as if she can inhale all the light of the stars. Clarke is petrified, and Clarke is amazed.

A broken girl lies among the flowers and stares up at the lights, and she begs the stars to take her away, to free her, to satisfy just a piece of the gaping chasm of wonder and the  _need_ to just be among them, to make her feel whole again.

Clarke turns her head to the edge of the cliff, and for a second, she thinks that she wouldn't mind dying under these stars.

And then Madi and Bellamy's faces rise up in her mind, and her notion shatters.

 _Take me away,_ she tells the stars.  _Take me anywhere but here._

* * *

When Bellamy and Raven's agitated voices start to come from the radio, Clarke knows it's time to leave, and tries to make it back to camp as fast as she can. Raven yells at her for ten minutes, Bellamy just holds her tightly. 

Alexandra and James are standing by the fire, and then they walk over to Clarke.

"You want me to reconsider," Clarke says tonelessly.

"It's our only choice," James says. Clarke wants to point out that his statement is an oxymoron, but she just stands in stoic silence for a minute. Bellamy is watching her carefully, and so is Raven.

"Okay," Clarke says. Alexandra and James look at each other as if they didn't expect Clarke to agree.

"Clarke," Bellamy begins, but Clarke stops him.

"I can't just do whatever I want, Bellamy. I want to stop him."

For the time being, Clarke thinks that's the end of their argument, but when they go back to their tent, Bellamy grabs his arms and turns her so she's looking at him. "Don't you see what this is doing to you?" he asks, tucking a strand of Clarke's now shoulder length hair behind her ear. "You've barely recovered from..."

Clarke is silent. Bellamy shakes his head and lets go of Clarke, and climbs into their bed.

"Bellamy, your birthday!" Clarke says suddenly. God, she's awful, how could she have forgotten?

"Oh, no you don't," Bellamy says, immediately getting out of bed and going back to her. "Don't you dare blame yourself for not doing anything. It wasn't a good time."

"Damn it, Bellamy," Clarke grumbles, shoving his chest lightly, but before Clarke can move her hand, Bellamy catches it in one of his own.

"Let's rest, Clarke," he says, guiding her to the bed.

Once they're in bed, Clarke wraps her arms and legs around him like the koalas she used to read about on the Ark.

"I'm a mess, Bellamy," Clarke sniffles, her hands fisting Bellamy's shirt. "I can't do anything. I can't be there for Madi, I can't help my mom, I can't even remember my best friend's birthday..."

"But you did. Raven said you had a message for me, but it was erased from the transport ship's archives."

Clarke says nothing.

"I know you have a reason, Clarke," Bellamy says, his voice low and sleepy. "Just remember to give it to me someday."

Bellamy falls asleep not long after that, leaving Clarke to lie awake pondering just how screwed up her life has become.

* * *

Even with Clarke's agreement to work with Alexandra and Eligius III, Clarke tries to avoid the strategic meetings as much as she can. Something tells her that going to the meeting will take her mind off of things, or at least make her more useful than she is now, but Clarke can't think about Russell or Victoria without going to pieces.

She has her panic attacks even more now; thinking about everything that's happened would only make it worse.

So Clarke helps Jackson treat small injuries, teaches Miller some first aid basics.

Hope Abigail Diyoza is born on December 2nd, screaming and crying her way into the world. Diyoza herself, or Charmaine, as she's insisted Clarke call her that, always smiles proudly at her little daughter.

"She's a fighter," Charmaine says, beaming at Hope. "Aren't you, baby? Aren't you?" she coos, kissing Hope's face.

Hope hasn't even been alive for a week and she has Bellamy wrapped around her two inch finger. In all fairness, she has Clarke wrapped around her finger as well. Spending time with Hope is a better alternative to sulking about everything.

Clarke sits in the field near the clearing where they first landed, cradling Hope in her arms.

"I love you, Hope," Clarke says, and she means it. She truly does. "I hope you grow up in a better world." Clarke sings to her; it's strange, because Clarke stopped singing long before Praimfaya. The last time she sang was to Atom. But she sings to Hope now, saving her voice only for the bundle in her arms.

" _When I'm counting up my demons_

_Saw there was one for every day_

_With the good ones on my shoulder  
_

_I drove the other ones away_

_So if you ever feel neglected_

_If you think that all is lost_

_I'll be counting up my demons, yeah_

_Hoping everything's not lost..."_

Everything may be lost for Clarke, but she knows that it isn't for Hope. Clarke remembers being able to play the piano with this song, but she doesn't have a piano.

It would've been nice.

" _When you thought that it was over_

_You could feel it all around_

_Everybody's out to get you_

_Don't you let it drag you down_

_'Cause if you ever feel neglected_

_If you think that all is lost_

_I'll be counting up my demons yeah_

_Hoping everything's not lost..."_

Hope sleeps peacefully in her arms now, and Clarke smiles at her.

"That was beautiful," she hears someone say. It's Bellamy.

"Oh, Bellamy, I-"

"I'm sorry," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was looking for you and I heard you and I just stopped to listen..."

Clarke stands, careful not to hurt or wake Hope. "I don't sing very often," she mutters.

"You should. You're good at it."

It's stupid, but Clarke feels a blush creeping onto her face.

"Come on," he says. "Let's get Hope back to Diyoza."

* * *

It's night again, and Clarke is at her spot at the edge of the cliff. But this time, Bellamy's with her; she brought him.

"Happy birthday," Clarke says, and Bellamy turns his face up to the sky, his mouth falling open in shock. Clarke lies down at the edge of the cliff, but instead of staring at the stars, she watches Bellamy. 

"It's so beautiful," he murmurs, tipping his head so far back that he almost falls. He turns back to her. "Scoot away from the ledge," he commands.

"Why?"

"Because I want to lie next to you but I don't want to lie there," he mutters, and Clarke stifles a laugh.

"Is it because you're scared of pushing me over or scared of the height?" Clarke asks, raising herself on one elbow.

"Both," he says with a smirk. "Now scoot in."

Clarke obliges, and soon Bellamy takes his place next to her.

For once, she isn't sad, or angry, or scared.

What Clarke feels right now is... safety.

Comfort.

Maybe even happiness.

She takes Bellamy's hand. "See any constellations?" she asks, turning her head to him.

Bellamy scans the sky. "Wait..." he starts. "I see... I think that's Cassiopeia. But her throne's a little weird..." he trails off, staring at the stars.

Goddamn, Clarke loves him.

She knows it, and it terrifies her.

Clarke Griffin is  _in love_ with Bellamy Blake.

Clarke looks at the stars, trying to fight the sudden flutter in her gut, the warmth that spreads from her heart. She sees stars, but all of a sudden all she can think is  _Bellamy Bellamy Bellamy_.

Bellamy props himself at one elbow and looks at Clarke, who is still studiously trying to keep her gaze on the stars.

"Clarke," he begins. "Are you okay?"

Clarke doesn't know how to answer. She doesn't know the answer.

But she's not the way she was when she first came back to the Wonkru settlement; whether she's better or worse, she can't say.

Or maybe she's beyond the point of anything at all.

"I don't know," she says, looking at Bellamy. "Am I?"

"Up to you," Bellamy says, leaning over her a little more, and then he loses balance, causing him to brace himself with two hands on either side of her head on the ground so that he doesn't fall on her.

"I don't want to leave you ever again, Bellamy," Clarke says, looking right at his eyes. It's a perfect view; his freckled face and the blanket of stars behind him.

He chuckles sadly. "I left you first."

"Bellamy, it wasn't your fault."

"It's not about  _fault,"_ Bellamy said. "It's about need. And I needed you. I need you with me."

There's a spark of surprise in his eyes, as if he didn't expect that to come out.

Clarke reaches for the collar of Bellamy's shirt and pulls him closer. "You may be a total ass half the time... but I need you," she says, causing Bellamy's face to split into a wide, genuine grin. Clarke's heart warms even more at the sight of it.

"Bellamy..." she says, her hand releasing his shirt and going up to cup his smooth jaw.

Bellamy leans into her touch, his eyes fluttering shut.

"Do it, Bellamy," Clarke breathes, as he inches closer. 

And then he stops.

"You're not ready, Clarke," he says, opening his eyes and searching her own. "You need to get better first." He tucks his hand under her body and pulls her up until they're both sitting. He leans forward and plants a sweet, lingering kiss on her cheek. "You just have to keep hoping everything's not lost."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Clarke was singing is called Everything's Not Lost by Coldplay. Gr8 song.  
> This is probably the least angsty chapter in this entire fic.


	11. There's No Turning Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke returns to a nightmare.

Bellamy is angry as hell at her, but Clarke can't spare a thought to the dangerous storm that's brewing between them.

The thing is, Alexandra needed someone working on the inside to bring Russell down, and Clarke knew since the look Bellamy gave her when Alexandra announced it that it was time for Clarke to do something productive.

"I'll do it," she said.

"No, you won't," Bellamy said immediately, standing up.

"Who else would do it, Bellamy? I'm the only they'd trust to let back into their ranks."

Now, Alexandra looks like she wants to argue, but also like she sees the logic in it.

"Clarke..." Bellamy says, a sharp edge to his voice, and Clarke is reminded of when they first met, arguing at every turn, electricity crackling in the air between them.

"Don't 'Clarke' me," Clarke says calmly. She has no idea why she isn't more upset about what she just agreed to. "I should do this. This is our best option."

"You and  _your_ best options," Bellamy hisses bitterly, and honestly, Clarke just wants to shake some sense into him.

She knows he wants to do the same to her.

"I'm going," Clarke says, trying to make her tone as final and uncompromising as possible, but it obviously isn't enough for him. But, for the time being, Clarke thinks that's the end of the argument. 

He grabs her arms as soon as they're out of the transport ship, and forces her to look at him.

"Clarke, if you do this, I won't forgive you. I will  _not_ forgive you."

Clarke knows she's screwed when someone like  _Bellamy Blake_ tells her that he won't forgive her.

But Wonkru is in danger.

And of course, Clarke would always come last.

"Don't forgive me, then," Clarke snaps, jerking her arms out of Bellamy's grip. "Don't forgive me for making sure your sorry ass has something more to do than fight the next war."

"Clarke Griffin," Bellamy starts, still angry, but Clarke can see that Bellamy expected her to back down. But she won't. Clarke knows what she wants, and how to get it.

"I won't keep running. I  _won't._ "

"I will never forgive you," he repeats, his brown eyes alight with anger.

"So don't."

* * *

"Clarke, what the hell?" Madi yells, following her to the field. "You're going back? Bellamy and Murphy said it wasn't good last time..."

"It's not like last time," Clarke says, knowing full well that it's basically exactly like last time.

"No. I won't allow it," Madi says, her voice of authority taking over that of the young child. Clarke spins around and grabs Madi's hand. 

"You have that thing in your head, but you're not the Commander of me. Got it?" Clarke asks.

Clarke turns back around, going to the field, when Madi calls after her, "Lexa knows you shouldn't go."

Clarke stops.

"Lexa is wrong," Clarke says.

"Lexa doesn't want you to make the same mistakes she did," Madi yells.

" _LEXA IS DEAD!"_ Clarke yells back. "She's dead."

Madi huffs, but doesn't follow Clarke anymore.

* * *

"They'll be angry with you," Charmaine says, and Clarke scoffs. 

"They can't supervise me all the time," Clarke mutters, rocking Hope in her arms.

"It's not about supervision, Clarke. They worry about you."

"They shouldn't. Right, Hope?" Clarke coos, kissing Hope's forehead.

"From what I've heard, you've gone through a lot. They'd be right to worry," Charmaine says, gently taking Hope into her arms. Clarke crosses her arms, thinking vaguely of the radio message she has, waiting to reach Bellamy's ears.

"Bellamy lost you many times before. You think he can handle losing you again?"

"Bellamy probably doesn't even care anymore," Clarke hisses.

"Clarke, I've seen many things between you two, and carelessness is not one of them."

"I'll be alright," Clarke says, more to herself than to Charmaine, really.

"Yeah," she says sadly. "I guess you will."

Clarke leaves to say her goodbyes.

* * *

Madi and Bellamy aren't the only ones upset with her.

Raven still glares at Clarke even after she pulls away from their hug. Madi only offers Clarke a quick, one armed hug and an angry glance. Abby and Kane's goodbyes are better, but Clarke can tell that they're worried.

She goes back to her tent.

"Bellamy..." Clarke says.

"Just. Go," he says tersely.

"Bellamy, don't make me leave like this," Clarke says, setting a hand on his arm. He doesn't move it away, and Clarke is relieved by the that, but the look in his eyes doesn't fade. Bellamy will forgive her, he always has.

Won't he?

"You'll leave anyway," he says, looking down at her. "You always do. Because you're always doing what's best for  _your people._ Ha, I should just start a countdown to the next death. You were right. Every single fucking choice you make ends up with someone dead. And you know what? It's because of you, always trying to be the hero-"

" _Screw you, Bellamy,"_ Clarke hisses, shoving him as hard as she can. She sees the startled look in his eyes, and she knows he didn't expect Clarke to be quite so strong.

But he doesn't look sorry, that's for sure.

Clarke stares at him for a second, struggling for something to say. Then she takes out her radio and slams it on their makeshift desk.

"That's my message," Clarke snarls. Bellamy probably won't even listen to it anymore.

And then she leaves.

* * *

**_24 HOURS LATER_ **

"You came back, Ms. Griffin."

"I did," Clarke says, standing at the opposite end of the dimly lit conference room.

"I wouldn't know whether I can trust you again, Clarke," Russell says, putting his elbows on the table. "You caused quite the commotion at the foreign nation. I should've known Xandra would reach out to you..."

Russell chuckles, and the familiar pain returns to Clarke's head.

"Russell, please," Clarke says, bracing her hands on the table.

"'Please' what?" Russell asks, and Clarke can tell he's enjoying it.

"I will  _not_ betray you," Clarke says forcefully, sitting down to face him. "I will stay.  _I will stay,_ Russell."

"Victoria was so distressed over your departure," Russell says, reaching for a glass of water. "You were good, Clarke. You were good."

Russell takes a long drink.

"We needed someone like Wanheda. So strong and yet so ready to comply for her people..."

Clarke is silent; she knows he isn't done.

"Alexandra was weak..." he continues. "She feared the prospect of my people being like hers. Yes, she helped me... I took what I needed from her, but she was afraid. Fear," Russell says. "Fear holds us back. Fear stops us from doing what needs to be done."

He smiles at her.

"But you're not afraid, are you, Clarke?"

"I've learned not to be," Clarke says, leaning forwards. "But I am afraid of one thing."

She should think that she's afraid of something bad happening to Madi or Bellamy, but she doesn't fear that anymore.

No.

Russell offered her a blissful unawareness of the war that raged within her.

He made it go away.

Because the awful, horrible truth, is that Clarke isn't here to help Alexandra.

She needs Russell. 

Needs the security of ignorance.

Control.

She came for him, and his cause.

Not for her people.

For once, Clarke is putting herself first.

"Please," Clarke breathes.

Russell stares at her, waiting for the final words.

"Take me back."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry  
> that this chapter was short ahahahaha pranked


	12. Even While We Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The line between Clarke's dreams and Clarke's reality starts to blur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a weird ass chapter it's basically entirely taking place in Clarke's dreams

_**DAY ONE** _

_Becca's mansion is silent._

_Clarke's hands glide along the endless books, spotting more than a few titles that Bellamy would like._

_Clarke considers taking them up to his room, but she remembers that it's the middle of the night and everyone is resting peacefully._

_Of course, Clarke doesn't sleep._

_She thinks about ALIE's last ditch attempt to get people back into the City of Light, with all the Praimfaya bullshit._

_Too many people. Clarke supposes ALIE thought that even the handful of grounders and Skaikru would be too much for Earth._

_At least there were no more missiles to launch at them. Scaring everyone into the City of Light, or into doing SOMETHING to avoid Praimfaya would be a long term solution for her._

_It._

_ALIE's just a computer program._

_Was._

_Clarke hears footsteps, and she turns around, the dim lighting of the library making it hard to see who's arrived._

_"Why are you awake, Clarke?" Bellamy asks, stepping into the light of the library. Clarke is about to tell him that he forgot a shirt, but she doesn't._

_"I could ask you the same thing."_

_Bellamy smiles a little. "Just getting a glass of water," he says, waving his hand in the general direction of the kitchen. "You want anything?"_

_Clarke shakes her head, then pulls a couple books off the shelves. "Here," she says, handing Bellamy the pile of books. "Thought you'd like to read these, now that' there's no immediate threat or war or apocalypse..."_

_Clarke trails off, laughing sadly._

_"And no more levers to pull for you," Bellamy says, with a little bit of the classic Blake smirk._

_"Oh," Clarke moans. "Tragic."_

_Bellamy laughs for real, and soon Clarke joins him._

_"Damn it, Bellamy," she says with a smile. "We're gonna wake the whole house."_

_"Too bad for them," Bellamy snorts, and Clarke finds herself put at ease with Bellamy's behavior. She likes this carefree side of him, a side she hasn't seen since the dropship days._

_"Go get me water," Clarke says, turning back to the shelves to hide a smile, a smile that's not really about the subject of their laughter but really just about Bellamy himself._

_"As the Princess commands," she hears Bellamy mutter, and Clarke smiles._

_"Wake up," a female voice says suddenly._

_Clarke looks around the library, but doesn't find the source of the voice._

_"Clarke! Wake up!"_

_"They want you to wake up," Bellamy says, walking back into the library and going straight to Clarke._

_"What? I'm awake... I think..." Clarke says, pinching her arm, hard._

_"You have somewhere to be, Clarke," both Bellamy and the female voice say, the latter saying it urgently, the former saying it sadly._

_"With you," Clarke says slowly, looking up to look right into Bellamy's eyes. "I have to be with you... don't I?"_

_Bellamy hugs her tightly, and for a second Clarke sees a vision of herself and Bellamy hugging in Becca's lab, wearing dark orange radiation suits, his handing coming up to cup the back of her neck just as it does now-_

_"Clarke! Come on!"_

_"You're my best friend," Bellamy whispers in her ear. "And I'm always here for you. Always."_

_Clarke is left with the feeling of Bellamy's arms around her long after everything fades and she finds herself standing in a dark abyss._

* * *

 

_**DAY FOURTEEN** _

_She stands in the lab._

_Not Becca's lab._

_The Lab._

_Located farther north on the new planet._

_It's the first time she dreams of it since she arrived three days ago._

_This is where Russell tries to recreate Alexandra's genetic anomalies, without the actual presence of Alexandra or any other descendant of the original Eligius colony._

_It's empty in this dream, unlike the lab in real life. Clarke half expects Victoria or Russell to come out from behind one of the glass or solid black doors._

_To come striding down the black hallway._

_The white lines of light set into the floors, wall, and ceiling are glowing, the way they do at night. It reminds Clarke a little bit of the Ark, white set into sleek black corridors instead of metal._

_Bellamy, Echo, Raven, Murphy, and Emori come into her line of vision, and Clarke's heart almost stops. Raven makes it to her first, despite the limp._

_"Did you find out anything?" Raven asks, putting her hands on Clarke's shoulders, and Clarke is torn._

_Does she carry out the mission she told the others she's on?_

_Or does she lie to prolong the safety of Russell's influence?_

_Clarke says nothing._

_"Clarke?" Echo asks. "Are you alright?"_

_Clarke steps back a little, causing Raven's hands to fall from her shoulders._

_"This isn't real," Clarke says to no one in particular, walking past Raven and to the others. She looks at all of the others. "None of you are real."_

_"Just tell us, Clarke. What do you know?" Murphy asks, and Emori shoots him a look that looks like..._

_Surprise._

_Bellamy and Echo exchange a look, and Bellamy shakes his head almost imperceptibly._

_It's a strange dream for sure._

_So her choice won't matter._

_She'll wake up and be safe again._

_"He's trying to recreate Alexandra's DNA," Clarke says. "Trying to create a way for his people to have abilities without actually having to use Alexandra or any of the Eligius descendants."_

_"Is it his morals?" Emori asks, tapping her foot against the corridor._

_Tap tap tap._

_"No..." Clarke says, running a hand through her hair. It's growing alarmingly fast, and it seems to be the same case for the others. Raven's hair seems longer, Murphy looks like he just cut his recently, Emori's and Echo's are also longer._

_Bellamy's jaw is still smooth, though his hair is also just slightly longer._

_"You'll need to cut it soon," Clarke says. "Your hair."_

_"As the Princess commands."_

_Clarke is suddenly at a loss for words._

_"Bellamy...?" she begins._

_"Go on, Clarke," Raven says, coming up behind her and slinging an arm around her shoulders. "Wake up."_

* * *

 

_**DAY TWENTY-SIX** _

_Clarke's dreamed of them almost every night. They always ask her how she is, whether she has any information on what Russell's been doing._

_Clarke gives it all to them, knowing full well that they'll never hear her anyway. A safe way to do what she's supposed to do and still stay in the comfort of the blissful control that blankets her mind._

_She doesn't even have panic attacks anymore._

_Tonight is different, though._

_She's sitting in the living quarters of the lab, the large room with the corridors leading off to all the various rooms._

_Only Bellamy comes today._

_"Where are the others?" Clarke asks, getting up from the couch she sits on._

_"Only I'll be able to be connected to you for the rest of the time you'll be with them," he says._

_"Connected?"_

_Bellamy clears his throat._

_"This isn't just a dream," Bellamy says. "One of Alexandra's men, Will... he set up some sort of connection between our minds. The safest way for us to get information."_

_Clarke's head starts to spin so much that she sits down again._

_"You're coming back for me?" Clarke asks, her heart rate rocketing up._

_"I thought you'd want that," Bellamy says, sitting down on the couch on the other side of her and turning his head away from her._

_"You're angry at me," Clarke says._

_"You left me," he says. "Like always."_

_He pauses._

_"At least you're here for something good."_

_Clarke swallows._

_"Oh," Bellamy says quietly._

_"'Oh' what?" Clarke asks, standing up again._

_"I know when you're hiding something..." Bellamy says. "I can feel it... but I don't know what it is."_

_Clarke's heart pounds. How can she hide anything from Bellamy, now that he's in her head?_

_Bellamy looks at her, stares deep into her eyes._

_It's a strangely intimate gaze, and Clarke would think about that more if she wasn't so terrified._

_After a few minutes, she knows the exact moment where he realizes that he knows..._

_Well._

_Everything._

_His eyes widen a little bit, his fingers curling into fists._

_Surprise and disbelief in his eyes._

_"I'm getting you out of there," he says, a steely, infuriated glint in his eye. And she knows it's for her. He's even angrier at her. "I'm getting you out of there right now."_

 


	13. We Will Find You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gains more information on who Victoria really is. Clarke's relationship with Bellamy weakens as Spacekru begins a race against time to bring Clarke back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys are about to get really mad at me

_**DAY THIRTY-TWO** _

Clarke's barely awake as she halfheartedly shoves cereal into her mouth, sitting alone in the Lab cafeteria.

It's snowing outside, and Clarke remembers when she first saw snow on the train ride to the northern region of the continent, the desolate, cold land where all of Russell's experiments take place.

A hand being set down on the table in front of her brings Clarke back to reality, and she flinches a little, startled.

There's a flurry of bronze skin and dark hair, and Clarke looks up to see Victoria sitting in front of her, her expression wary.

"What do you want?" Clarke asks. Despite her willingness to come back to Russell, Clarke won't quite trust Victoria again.

Victoria stiffens at Clarke's tone, but Clarke doesn't really care. "I want to show you something," Victoria says.

"I don't want to see it," Clarke snaps, returning her attention to her food.

"Russell wants you to."

Clarke sighs inwardly, finishing the last of her cereal and standing up. "You're going to have to elaborate," Clarke says, a flash of pain cutting through her brain and disappearing as soon as it appeared.

"We need your medical expertise."

"Haven't you gotten enough of that?" Clarke asks, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jeans. Russell's consistently pestered her about trying to find a way to engineer Alexandra's abilities.

"Well, this is something slightly different," Victoria says, a small smile blooming on her face. Clarke wants to slap it right off her face.

An image of her slapping Bellamy rises up in her head, and Clarke pushes it away. Maybe Bellamy truly will never forgive her.

"Alright," Clarke mutters. "Let's go."

* * *

 

"I can't work with Victoria's DNA," Clarke says, staring hard at the projection floating in front of her face. "By the time the anomalies had reached Victoria, they've already gone through too much modification to provide any good effects on anyone else. However..." Clarke says, pulling up a diagram of Russell's DNA, "Russell will be a good candidate. The anomalies in his genes come directly from the source..."

Clarke remembers Alexandra's shaky behavior whenever she talks about Russell, accompanied by a spike of white hot pain.

_Don't think about them._

"But we wouldn't want to use Russell to start converting the others," Victoria says. "He's too important."

Selfish prick.

_Stop it, Clarke._

A man walks into the room they're in, and Clarke immediately notices the striking resemblance between him and Victoria.

"Benji," Victoria says, her voice stiff.

"Little sister," the man, Benji, says. "How is the research going?" he asks, turning to Russell, who seems to have gone bone white.

"They're going fine. Sir," Russell says this calmly enough, but there's a bit of sarcasm in the way he adds the term of respect. Benji shoots him an unreadable look and goes to wrap an arm around Victoria's shoulders. Victoria makes no move to return the warmth.

"And this must be Clarke Griffin," Benji says, turning to Clarke. Clarke tries to suppress a shiver.

"In the flesh," Victoria adds, somewhat snidely. For a second, she thinks she hears Russell's laughter echoing in her brain.

"I've heard you've been very valuable to my cause," Benji says with what he probably thinks is a warm smile but to Clarke looks more like a warning. "For the most part."

_My cause._

"Who are you?" Clarke blurts. Russell and Victoria shoot her warning looks.

"Well, I think you may have realized that I'm Tori's brother," he says, with a dark sort of chuckle. "But I'm the one running this whole thing. The city, the experiment, the Syndicate..."

Clarke notices Russell's hands curl into fists, and Victoria just looks ashamed of the way her brother declares power.

Of course there was some larger force than Russell at play here.

"Well," Benji amends. "Victoria shares some of my duties. I like to think of this as a family thing."

Russell gives Victoria a venomous glare, but she doesn't seem to notice. She's just looking straight ahead.

And Clarke, looking at the two siblings, standing like the imposing dark king and queen of a chess set, knows that she's absolutely fucked.

* * *

 

_**DAY FORTY-SEVEN** _

_Clarke is exhausted._

_Victoria, Russell, and Benji have thrown Clarke into research, trying to find some way to create their own superpowered army._

_It just sounds like some old movie she might have seen on the Ark._

_Speaking of which, she sits in her cell on the Ark right now. The Ring. Spacekru's home._

_Raven walks in, and Clarke looks up, her eyes almost fluttering shut as if she's staring at a very bright light._

_"Where's Bellamy?" Clarke asks, and Raven swallows._

_"He asked Will to bond you to someone else for some time."_

_Clarke sighs, lying down on the uncomfortable cot, staring at all her drawings._

_"I can't believe you, Clarke," Raven says angrily, and Clarke closes her eyes._

_"Bellamy told you, didn't he?"_

_"Yeah. Damn it, Clarke, I thought you were better than this!" Raven exclaims, coming close to the bed, and Clarke turns her head away. She doesn't want to see the disappointment in her best friend's eyes._

_"You don't understand, Raven. I need this."_

_"You're just going to betray us like that, then?" Raven asks, and Clarke tries not to flinch at the anger in her voice._

_"Raven, please. I can actually be Clarke Griffin because of this! I'm not broken anymore..."_

_Clarke turns back around to face Raven and sits up. "I'm not a mess anymore, and it's because of him. There's no pain here, Raven."_

_"It's like ALIE all over again," Raven says, backing away. "You're turning into Jasper."_

_"Maybe Jasper had the right idea," Clarke implores._

_"So what, you'll just switch sides because you can't deal with loss?"_

_"I DEALT WITH LOSS FOR YEARS!" Clarke screams. "IT'S ALL I KNOW! I CARRIED IT WITH ME SINCE I WAS EIGHTEEN AND I PUSHED IT DOWN AND NOW..."_

_Clarke takes a breath._

_"I don't have to drown anymore, Raven. I'm not hurting anymore."_

_"You're not numb, Clarke," Raven says, glaring daggers at Clarke. "You can still be hurt."_

_"No," Clarke says, lying back down. "I can't."_

_"Bellamy slept with Echo," Raven says, then her eyes widen instantly in shame._

_A boulder drops onto Clarke's heart. "What?"_

_"I'm so sorry, Clarke, I wasn't supposed to..."_

_Raven trails off, looking lost, as Clarke sits up and swings her legs over the bed._

_"He was so upset after you left, Clarke," Raven says, recovering from her moment of empathy and going back to her angry state of mind. "And when he found out the truth of why you went back..."_

_Clarke's going to be sick._

_"I don't know what they are right now but..."_

_Clarke shakes her head. "Tell me you're lying, Raven. Tell me you're just saying this to prove your point."_

_"It's not a lie, Clarke," Raven says, bowing her head. "I don't think Bellamy can love someone who, in his mind, is dead."_

_"Who should've just stayed dead," Clarke says, backing up against the wall and curling in upon herself. She remembers the night at the edge of the cliff, Bellamy's lips hovering so close to her own._

_"You did this, Clarke. You're long overdue for a reality check. You should know that this is what happens when you abandon your friends," Raven scoffs, turning away from Clarke._

_"So what, this is all my fault now?" Clarke asks, trying not to choke on her tears._

_Bellamy, oh, Bellamy, what did you do?_

_"OF COURSE IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Raven screams. "This is all your fault, Clarke. You left us. You betrayed us."_

_Raven turns her head back to Clarke._

_"And honestly, I don't blame Bellamy for going back to Echo."_

_The cell fades away, and so does Raven, and Clarke is left with_

_pure_

_solid_

_endless_

_world shattering_

_lonely_

_painful_

_grief._

* * *

 

_**DAY FIFTY-ONE**   
_

"We... we can't continue unless we have an original Eligius descendant," Clarke says, running a hand through her hair. It's almost as long as it was when she first landed on Earth.

"Well, we don't  _have_ one of those," Benji Adler says irritably, crossing his arms and glaring at the screens in the lab. Russell and Victoria stand next to him, his ever faithful servants.

"Well, we can take a break from that for now," Victoria says. "The annual Meridian Gala is coming up. The perfect opportunity to get more scientists in on this. The more minds the better, right?"

"Right," Russell says before Benji can answer. "Speaking of which, Clarke... we want you to attend. We want our people to know that Wonkru is on our side."

"You want me to be a scapegoat?" Clarke asks, straightening. Benji raises an eyebrow.

"An icon, Clarke," Victoria says, and a memory of Grounder women putting dark makeup on her, transforming her into Wanheda, explodes into her head.

Russell's comforting presence blankets her mind, and the memory is gone.

"Okay," Clarke concedes. "When is it?"

"A week," Benji says, putting his hands in his pockets. "Back at our city. We return home the day after tomorrow.

" _This_ is your home, Benji," Victoria says quietly and a little angrily, but Benji ignores his younger sister.

"Meanwhile, Clarke," he continues. "Keep working on research."

Clarke nods, her emotions feeling slightly jumbled.

* * *

 

_**DAY FIFTY-THREE** _

_If Clarke listens closely, she can still hear the gentle, almost silent hum of the train as it speeds its way back to the city._

_But really, she's back in her cell on the Ring, lying in bed, drifting through empty space._

_She hears footsteps, and turns her head to the wall._

_"There's going to be some sort of event that's more like an induction ceremony. Victoria has a brother, Benji. She and Benji are the ones calling the shots, not Russell. They'll be at the event, probably trying to recruit scientists and engineers and all those people."_

_Clarke sighs._

_"Now, go away, Raven. You have your information, now leave."_

_The world around Clarke isn't fading away the way she hopes it will. Clarke raises her head to check whether Raven is still there._

_Bellamy leans against the door to her cell, staring out the small window._

_"So Raven got pissed at me and handed the job of collection information back to you," Clarke says, a bitter taste in her tongue as she remembers what Raven told her about Echo and Bellamy._

_"It's not that," Bellamy says._

_"Then what?"_

_"Raven told me what she told you. About me and... Echo."_

_Clarke is at a loss for words. She curls her fist into the pillow._

_"Is it true, Bellamy?" Clarke says, trying to keep her voice steady._

_"Clarke-"_

_"Is it true or not?"_

_Bellamy doesn't say anything for a long time, and for a second Clarke thinks he's gone when he speaks again._

_"It's true."_

_"So you didn't listen to my message," Clarke says, trying to make it sound as flippant as possible._

_"Clarke."_

_"It's okay, Bellamy," Clarke says, keeping her sobs at bay. "You have what you came here for. Now go."_

_"I didn't just come for information."_

_Clarke lets a single tear fall, and subtly wipes it away using the pillowcase._

_"I'm safe with him," Clarke says, and hates how she sounds like a small child. "I don't have to deal with the aftermath of everything I've done and everything I've lost. You want to take that away from me?"_

_"He's not solving your problem, Clarke," Bellamy says, using the same tone he did when Clarke snuck back into Arkadia under Pike's reign. "He's hiding it."_

_"I can't let go now, Bellamy. It will be too much for me physically as well as mentally. You saw what happened last time, the headaches, the nightmares..."_

_"Headaches?" Bellamy asks, and Clarke remembers how she hasn't talked to Bellamy about that._

_"Even a split second where he isn't in my mind... god, Bellamy, it hurts_ so much _..."_

_Bellamy says nothing._

_"It wasn't as bad last time, Bellamy. But now, it's like Praimfaya in my head without him... literally."_

_"You can get through this," Bellamy persists. "You're Clarke fucking Griffin."_

_"I can't," Clarke says, trying to make her words sound less like a whine. "You have no idea, Bellamy, you have no idea what it's like..."_

_A dry sob escapes Clarke's lips. "Please, don't come for me, you're making a mistake, Bellamy, just LEAVE ME ALONE!"_

_Clarke sobs again._

_"You won't forgive me for what I've done anyway. You'll always...choose...her."_

_The foolish part of Clarke's brain waits for Bellamy to contradict her, to tell her that he's forgiven her, hell, just to tell her that he loves her..._

_But that moment never comes, and everything darkens and fades to black, and Clarke realizes that maybe staying with Russell isn't painless after all._

* * *

 

_**DAY FIFTY-EIGHT**   
_

Clarke brushes away a stray curl that's fallen out of the elaborate braided updo that her hair's been twisted into. She doesn't quite recognize the girl in the mirror. Lively, glittering blue eyes highlighted by a hint of eyeliner, dark red lips curved into a calculating frown.

(Alright, she definitely recognizes the frown.)

The floor length black dress that wraps around her body like a second skin also seems to shine a little. Her back is bare, and Clarke feels cold, too.

But she feels like that has nothing to do with the temperature of the room she's in.

_Come on, Clarke, get a grip._

Clarke picks up the shining diamond earrings that are lying on the table in front of her, and starts to make her way to the elevator that will take her down the floor where the event is currently in full swing. 

_I'm going to be just fine._

_She's not here yet!_ Clarke hears a familiar voice in her head exclaim, and recognizes it as Bellamy's.

Clarke waits for him to notice that their minds are still connected.

_Cut the connection, Will._

Clarke feels a hollow emptiness in her head where Bellamy used to be.

She clears her throat and walks down the hallway leading into the large ballroom, still putting her earrings on.

_Everything is going to be just fine._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thicc chapter am i right


	14. Acting On Your Best Behavior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's condition worsens.

He's the first person she really sees.

Really, the whole world just blurs and he's the only thing that stands out to her, solid dark lines and blazing eyes.

Bellamy Blake.

His hair a little shorter and still in its curls, his dark suit giving him an air of fatal beauty. He looks... good. Healthy.

His eyes meet hers, and heat spreads through Clarke's entire being. He allows himself one brief look that travels up and down the length of her body before his gaze finally comes back to her eyes. A chill makes its way down Clarke's bare arms. 

He's here for her. To take her away.

_As much as I'd like you to be my rebel prince, I won't be your brave princess._

A tall figure appears next to Bellamy, dressed in white and gold, golden brown hair tumbling over their shoulders. Echo.

Clarke's friend, yes, but Clarke can't help but feel a spark of sorrow when she thinks of her. Echo turns to Bellamy, and then her head turns to Clarke for a second. She and Bellamy seem to be arguing about something, and Clarke watches as Echo steps on Bellamy's foot. Bellamy winces, and Clarke starts to weave through the clumps of people, trying to get as far away from his as possible. People are dancing at the center of the room, and classical music rings through the room.

It's a beautiful nightmare.

And Clarke is the nightmare under the disguise of beauty.

Clarke makes her way to the bar, but immediately regrets her decision when Victoria appears at her side in a dress of dark purple and sets her dainty hand almost possessively on Clarke's back. Clarke longs to walk away, but something keeps her in place. 

A dull pain starts to pound through Clarke's head, and Clarke tries not to gasp out loud. 

"So," Victoria says. "Enjoying the party?"

"Sure," Clarke mutters, turning to Victoria. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Bellamy making his way towards her. Victoria's hand moves away, as she notices it too. 

_Shit._

Sure enough, she feels a strong arm wrap around her waist and lips connecting with her cheek. It's not a kiss; Bellamy brushes his lips downward, taking his time with the contact.

Bellamy's actually going to kill her.

"Sorry," he says to Victoria. "I haven't seen her in a while."

"Right, Bellamy Blake," Victoria says, a fake smile appearing on her face. "I didn't know you'd be here."

"Clarke's one of our people," Bellamy says, smirking. "Russell let us attend; it's not like he's holding Clarke hostage, right?"

"Not at all," Victoria says, and Clarke takes a moment to marvel at the silent battle that rages between Bellamy and Victoria. Bellamy seems to win, for Victoria merges back into the crowd of people.

Bellamy doesn't loosen his grip on her waist, but he pulls away a little. "Sorry about the kiss. I just needed her to get away."

"Apologize to Echo instead," Clarke says, and instantly regrets her tone.

Surprisingly, Bellamy laughs a little. "Echo just about killed me after that  _one night,_ Clarke. There's nothing between us."

"Yeah, okay."

"Dance with me," Bellamy whispers to her, his lips tickling her ear. Clarke's almost completely convinced that his behavior is an act for everyone else doubting his reasons for being here. 

"I don't dance," Clarke says, even as Bellamy gently pulls her towards the other people dancing. 

"I'll teach you. I taught Octavia when she was younger."

"How is Octavia?" Clarke asks, suddenly ashamed of how little thought she's given Bellamy's little sister. Surprisingly, Bellamy smiles.

"Not the girl who chased butterflies, but she's actually... she's actually happy. Happier than she's been since I..."

Bellamy trails off.

"If you blame yourself for Lincoln one more time, I'm going to tear your eyes out right here, right now."

Bellamy nods and continues.

"Anyways. She's doing great. Having a chance to be young again. She and Jordan became best friends instantly..."

Clarke laughs a little, but also feels a little sad as she remembers the friendship between Octavia and Monty.

"Octavia and Madi miss you," Bellamy says quietly.

"I think only Madi misses me."

"You know, Octavia still thought of you as a friend. After everything. And now that she's relaxing a little... she really misses you."

"Did you?" Clarke asks suddenly. "Did you miss me? Do you miss me?"

For a second, Bellamy's grip on her waist tightens, and his eyes darken.

"You left me."

They dance in silence, until a white blur pulls her away from Bellamy.

"I-what- _Murphy?_ "

"Griffin," Murphy says, dressed in an immaculate white suit, effortlessly spinning Clarke around. 

"Fuck, I missed you," Clarke says. "Please tell me you aren't pissed at me."

"Cockroach to cockroach, I think you're being fucking stupid, but I've definitely forgiven you faster than Bellamy or Raven," he says with a sad smile, and despite the words, Clarke feels slightly better. 

And then the feeling fades away.

"You're still here to take me back, aren't you?"

"Clarke-"

"John, you don't  _understand."_

"No, Bellamy gave us a word by word account of what you said."

" _John,_ " Clarke says, grabbing his shoulders.

"Everything's going to be okay," he says, and Clarke feels another set of arms pull her away.

"Hi," Emori says, looking absolutely beautiful in a dark green dress.

"Hey," Clarke says. "Your turn to give me the lecture?"

"I figured that the others would be better at it," Emori says, swaying gently, her hands holding Clarke's. It's a childish dance, but Emori's movements are surprisingly graceful. 

"Emori, listen to me," Clarke implores. "I can't go back. I can't-  _damn it._ "

Her mild headache intensifies a little.

"Clarke, we'll do everything we can to help you," Emori says. "You just have to trust us." 

Clarke is pulled away once again. 

She finds herself dancing with Echo in silence for a few minutes, and then handed off to Raven, who just steps in tune to the beat, occasionally on Clarke's feet. Clarke knows it's an accident most times, but she also knows that Raven does that on purpose a couple times as well.

And then she makes it back to Bellamy, who has a strange, unfamiliar glint in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bellamy," Clarke says, starting to pull away from the circle of his arms, but he holds her tighter.

"No, Clarke. I am," he murmurs, his hand going up to cup the back of her neck and ever so gently tilt her head upward.

Clarke feels so much pain, but now, so close to Bellamy, that pain is laced with desire.

Something sharp slides into Clarke's neck, and her very existence is set on fire. Clarke gasps, collapsing against Bellamy, biting her tongue to keep herself from screaming at the top of her lungs. She's going to implode. She's going to die.

"Bellamy...?" she asks, as he gently pulls her out of the ballroom, and something dribbles down her chin starting from the corner of her mouth. Through the black spots clouding her vision, she sees a panicked look appear on Bellamy's face, and his finger comes up to wipe it away. Looking down at his hand, Clarke realizes it's blood.

Tears are falling freely down her face, tears of pure agony.

But judging by the look on Bellamy's face, it's not just tears.

"Oh, god, Clarke, oh, god," Bellamy says brokenly, his hands quickly becoming stained with Clarke's blood. She's sliding in and out of consciousness.

The last thing Clarke hears before she falls is Murphy and Raven's frightened whispers, and Clarke is gone.

* * *

 

She's allowed a second of painless bliss when she wakes up, and then the apocalyptic fire returns to her head, and Clarke closes her eyes more tightly.

She hears voices.

Real ones, thank god.

Clarke opens her eyes.

She's lying in some sort of hospital room, definitely not in Russell's city or anywhere near the Wonkru settlement.

The only other place that would make sense is the original Eligius city.

Clarke turns her head, and sees a wall of glass. Behind that wall, Alexandra, Bellamy, and the rest of Spacekru stand, talking in hushed voices that make it hard for Clarke to understand what they're saying.

But Clarke does understand what Alexandra says.

"She was right, Bellamy. It could kill her."

Bellamy collapses against Murphy and Raven, sobs shaking his entire body.

_Ms. Griffin?_

Russell's voice invades her thoughts, but it doesn't feel so comforting anymore. It just makes everything hurt more.

Clarke starts to choke, and she realizes she's choking on her own blood. Machines next to her bed go haywire. Clarke's eyes are open, but she can't see anything, and somehow she's lost all sense of feeling other than just pure agony. 

If she concentrates just a bit, she can hear everyone else yelling, feel a hand brushing hair away from her face, wiping blood away from her mouth. She's roughly turned onto her side, and she vomits blood into a plastic tub.

Clarke leans back, the pain subsiding enough for her to wipe blood away from her face. Luckily, none of it got onto the pillows or the sheets. 

" _Fuck,"_ Clarke mutters, letting her eyes close. It's the best she's felt without Russell's influence. She feels awful, and her head still hurts, but at least she doesn't want to bang her head against a wall.

"Jesus Christ, Griffin," she hears Murphy mutter. Clarke would answer, but she's just too tired. The others probably think she's fallen asleep again, for they immediately start talking in hushed voices again.

"What the fuck is happening to her?" Raven demands.

"It's like an ischemic stroke," Clarke hears Alexandra murmur. "But a lot more dangerous. I'm not entirely sure what's happening with her."

"Raven had an ischemic stroke," Echo says. "She stopped her heart and started it again, and she was better. Couldn't you do that with Clarke?"

"I don't think it's really about the stroke, Echo," Emori mutters.

"Emori's right," Alexandra says. "It sounds strange, but Clarke somehow became addicted to the extreme amount of stress put on her brain by Russell. I think the best option is to wait it out, like letting someone detox. This is essentially the worst of her withdrawal stage."

"And if it gets worse?" Bellamy says, and Clarke can sense in his voice that he's still crying.

"Bellamy. Let's just wait."

Clarke drifts away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter sorry


	15. Turn Your Back On Mother Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke struggles to renounce her unstable past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is light on plot and heavy on clarke's angst yay  
> i'm totally not crying while writing this

~~~~It's funny how Clarke always wakes up someplace different these days.

She'd laugh, if coughing out blood wasn't one of the first things she did whenever she woke up. 

She's back at the Wonkru settlement now.

Bellamy's angry at her again. 

Most of them are.

Madi hasn't come to visit once.

Octavia comes a couple times, starting with an apology on Madi's behalf and a new story about what Hope's been up to.

Charmaine comes, brushes her hair.

"Motherhood is making you soft," Clarke says, every time, and Charmaine laughs, every time.

And in the time in between, it's either Clarke's head or Clarke's heart that's in constant agony.

Murphy comes with some of the best damn food she's ever tasted, but even that doesn't lighten her mood.

Shaw comes and visits a couple times, and they just talk about anything except the mess their lives have become.

She longs for Bellamy's touch, his warm eyes.

Madi's constant, light attitude that was always able to make Clarke feel better.

She wants her child.

Abby comes every day, and Clarke can tell she's always holding back from a lecture.

It's ironic. Abby's also an addict, isn't she?

And then Clarke immediately feels ashamed of herself for thinking that, ashamed of the person she's become in the past few months.

 _Brave Princess,_ she remembers someone say, in different woods, in a different time. 

They keep her in one of the small secluded rooms off the main med bay for so long that Clarke begins to lose all track of time. When either Abby or Octavia or Niylah come to visit or to just help her freshen up or take a bath, she stops asking what day it is.

Maybe, if she stares at the door and listens hard enough, she can get some sense of what part of the day it is.

If it's quieter, Clarke will assume it's nighttime. 

At some point, Niylah and Octavia arrive together, their hands clasped together and an actual, genuine smile on Octavia's face.

It's the lightest Clarke feels in a very long time.

Clarke watches as Octavia seemingly ages backward through her visits. 

Her hair returns to the nice, chestnut brown shade that it was when they were first sent to Earth.

She's still her typical, sardonic self, but Clarke starts to see the relentless kindness that she shares with her brother.

It's been too long since Octavia's been this happy, but Clarke is glad she's happy now.

And for a while, no one visits at all. Except for the occasional routine checkup by Abby or Jackson.

It's cold.

Clarke dreams of a lab isolated in the snow.

Ballrooms and blood on her face, blood on Bellamy's hands, blood on her own hands.

Physically and metaphorically.

Sometimes she dreams of Earth.

It's green everywhere.

Sometimes it's raining... cool, beautiful rain. Sometimes rainbows shoot through the sky.

Sometimes she drowns in an ocean of the blood she's spilled. 

After a long time, someone comes.

"Murphy?" she asks, opening her eyes. Her head hurts a little less every day, and her heart hurts a little more every day.

"I'm here," he says, walking up to Clarke's bed and sitting down.

All of a sudden she's sobbing, and Murphy holds her as she falls apart in his arms.

She dreams of her dad sometimes.

He tells her he loves her, and he's proud of her despite everything she's done.

After some time, Abby and Jackson help her out of bed and take her to a new cabin.

Clarke inhales the cold, sweet air, and then looks at the cabin.

"Is this mine?" she asks, not believing it at all.

"You're sharing with someone," Abby says, and Clarke turns to her.

"Madi?"

"No," Jackson says. "Madi's with Octavia and Niylah for a while. Said she doesn't want to get in the way of something..."

Clarke swallows and goes inside.

It's warm inside, and then Clarke wanders into a spare bedroom on the second floor.

She sinks to her knees.

All her sketches are pinned to the wall, and tears start to run down her eyes. Finn, Lexa, Lincoln, Roan, Luna, Jasper, Monty, and Harper seem to stand out among the rest to her, and Clarke buries her head in her hands and sobs until all the air is stolen from her lungs and for the time being, all the tears have run out.

* * *

 She's lying in bed when someone finally enters the room.

"Hi," Raven says.

Clarke sits up, and her stupid, stupid emotions catch up to her and Clarke is sobbing again.

Raven takes her into her arms without hesitation.

"I'm so sorry, Raven, I'm so sorry..."

"I forgive you," Raven says with a sniffle. "I always will."

* * *

 

They talk for hours.

Clarke opens up about her nightmares, her pain.

It doesn't help as much as Clarke needed it to, but it takes away some of the weight on her chest.

"Will Madi ever forgive me?" Clarke asks, staring at the drawings.

"I think a part of her already has," Raven says thoughtfully. "She decorated this room for you. I think the rest of her mind needs to catch up."

Clarke sighs, feeling lost and empty again.

"Who am I sharing the cabin with?" Clarke finally asks, and Raven waves her hand around as an answer.

"Raven, that's not an answer."

She makes a couple more vague, slightly more animated gestures.

"A raccoon?" Clarke guesses. "A troll? Bed springs?"

Raven makes a few more gestures.

"Freckles?"

Raven smiles.

"What the fuck do you mean...? Oh."

Raven wraps an arm around Clarke's shoulders, becoming more somber. "He doesn't want to be here just yet, though," Raven mutters.

"Who forced him to share a cabin with me?" Clarke asks. She thinks it might've been Murphy or Madi... hell, maybe even Echo.

"No one forced him to do anything. He's the one who suggested it."

Clarke is silent, trying to imagine living with Bellamy.

She doesn't mind it, really.

"But how can he live with me if he hasn't even forgiven me?"

"Well, he lived with Echo," Raven says unhelpfully.

"Great, so I wait like, four years for him to talk to me, and somehow not lose my shit seeing him every day?"

"You two are unbelievable," Raven mutters.

"Tell me about it. It's like the universe is constantly trying to tear my best friend away from me."

"Best friend? Wow," Raven says, letting out a low whistle.

"Raven, you're my best friend too-"

"That's not what I meant, Clarke. Also, I'm sure Bellamy's also reached the same conclusion you have and he's probably told the universe to go fuck itself by now."

"Uh huh."

"You know that radio message you left?" Raven asks suddenly, staring intently at Clarke.

"Yeah," Clarke says, her heart sinking.

"That lovesick idiot's been listening to it  _every fucking day_ since we brought you back to Wonkru."

"Lovesick? Come on, Raven, even you can't be that dense..."

"So I'm the dense one?" Raven chuckles, which eventually turns into uncontrollable laughter.

"Stop laughing," Clarke snaps, but soon she's laughing too, so much that her stomach hurts.

"Clarke. You need to give yourself a chance," Raven declares when she's finally composed again. "The problem isn't even really about others forgiving you. It's about you forgiving yourself."

Clarke lowers her head.

"You're a good person. You've done bad things for the right reasons. Mostly. But you're still a good person. Okay?"

"Okay," Clarke mutters, but a small bubble of contentment forms in her chest.

Long after Raven finally leaves, Clarke slips back into dreams.

She falls endlessly through an abyss of stars.

She watches lightning shoot across the sky she'd come to know back on Earth.

She feels rain mix with her tears.

And she fights.

_Brave princess, Bellamy calls her, smirking._

Damn right she is.

But sometimes, she isn't.

Sometimes, Russell's voice calls to her from the deepest corners of her mind.

 _No,_ she says.

_I will not go gentle into that good night._

_Old age should burn and rave at close of day._

_Rage, rage against the dying of the light._

Nightmares wake her, and she's alone.

 _I've woken up alone before,_ Clarke thinks, and furiously wipes her tears again.

She dreams some more, after exhaustion pulls her into the depths of sleep.

She sinks into a deep, blue ocean.

Her hands skim freckled cheeks.

She runs in a vast, open field, her heart soaring up into the heavens above.

_Though wise men at their end know dark is right,_

_Because their words had forked no lightning they_

_Do not go gentle into that good night._

Clarke's head breaks through the surface of an endless ocean. She looks down and it's a sea of space, stars shining within the black waves.

_Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright_

_Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay..._

Clarke runs from a wall of fire that threatens to engulf her in its flames.

Clarke holds a sword, watches it swing in deadly, gleaming arcs.

Her lips brush another's lips, her blue eyes meeting dark brown.

A wall of glass shatters in front of Clarke, the sharp shards embedding themselves in her skin.

Death calls.

Ignorance beckons.

 _No,_ Clarke says again.

_Clarke Griffin will rage, rage against the dying of the light._


	16. It's My Own Design

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's withdrawal stage isn't over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also light on plot, heavy on Clarke dying on the inside and outside  
> ALSO  
> GIVE ME MY HAT BACK JORDAN  
> ALSO  
> INFINITY WAR REFERENCE

Nightmares are all Clarke has these days.

It's sad, really, how either her life becomes a total nightmare and sleep is the only escape, or it's the other way around.

Clarke cradles Hope in her arms, her head slightly jumbled aside from the constant dull headache.

Bellamy moved back into the cabin the day after she came back, but they haven't spoken to each other at all.

Clarke is thankful for their silent communication that allows them to not constantly run into each other whenever they're in the same room.

After Clarke has given Hope back to Charmaine, she walks to her cabin, feeling restless and agitated. 

She goes up to her room, and finds Bellamy lying on his back on Clarke's bed, eyes staring straight up.

"Why are you in my bed?" Clarke asks, at the same time Bellamy asks "Why are you in your room?"

"Who do you think asked the more reasonable question here, Bellamy?" Clarke asks, crossing her arms and leaning against the threshold.

"I don't know," he says, still staring up.

"Why are you here?" Clarke asks, trying to keep her eyes from flicking down to the exposed skin where the hem of Bellamy's shirt rode up.

"Same reason as you, probably. To think about impending death and doom."

"You know me so well," Clarke says drily, walking over to the bed. "Get up."

"No."

"Bellamy," Clarke says, giving his shoulder a shove. "Get up."

"I don't want to."

"It's not about what you want, it's about what you need, and you need to get up."

Bellamy huffs and sits up, his hair adorably rumpled and his cheeks pink.

"Get off the bed, Bellamy."

He complies, and Clarke realizes with a jolt that she's too close to him. She steps away and gestures towards the general direction of the door. "Let's go."

Clarke walks out the door, expecting Bellamy to follow, and makes her way to the deserted building that was made for sparring.

It's strange, that the Wonkru settlement has slowly been building a town with additional nonessential structures while Clarke's been wallowing in her own misery.

Clarke yanks her sweater off her head, now only in the light tank top she wears under. The cool air of the strange transition from winter to spring is oddly comforting to her. She turns around to face Bellamy, who stares at her with a blank look in his eyes.

"Spar me," Clarke says, stepping into the designated area for the fighters. She wants to drive herself to the point of exhaustion; she wants it to overcome every other feeling. She knows Bellamy is a good fighter, and that's why she'll go against him.

"Me?" he asks stupidly.

"No, the ghost of Julius Caesar that stands behind you," Clarke snaps.

Bellamy smiles and pulls his shirt off in one swift motion, and Clarke thanks every fucking god she knows that she only sees that in the corner of her vision because she's staring at the wall.

Bellamy approaches her hesitantly.

"Are you sure, Clarke? You're still recovering-"

"Shut up and fight me," Clarke says, throwing a punch that Bellamy dodges at the very last second.

"This is a bad idea," he mutters as they start to dance around each other each other. "A very, very bad idea."

A punch aimed at Clarke's gut, which she stops with her arm and kicks Bellamy away. "I think it's a great idea," she says, finding it a little harder to block and avoid Bellamy's graceful movements.

"Yeah, well, you're crazy." An elbow strike, a hook kick, a punch.

"People don't talk this much when they fight, Bellamy."

He smiles, and seems to start to put full force behind all of his attacks, which leaves Clarke no choice but to do the same.

"You know, you really do fight like Azgeda," Clarke breathes, quickly wiping a bead of sweat away from her forehead, and takes pride in the fact that Bellamy's doing the same. Clarke goes into a complicated combination of kicks aimed at various parts of Bellamy's body, starting at his chest, at his head, his gut, and back to where she started. Bellamy manages to block most of them, but the final one sends him staggering a little.

"Now I know why I never fought you," Bellamy murmurs.

"It's because we never had the time."

"You obviously had enough time to learn how to fight with a mixture of Azgeda and Trikru techniques," Bellamy says, grabbing Clarke's wrist when it comes up near his jaw.

"Isn't this against the rules?" Clarke hisses, jerking her wrist away and stepping back to get a better position to attack Bellamy.

"Who said we're playing by the rules?"

Strangely, Clarke smiles.

She lunges towards Bellamy, her foot coming up in an arcing kick that barely grazes his head, and ducks when Bellamy's right fist comes swinging close to her.

They fight like it's the end of the world, and maybe to Clarke, it is.

Bellamy finally hooks his leg around Clarke's knee and sends her crashing to the ground.

She sees Bellamy come closer to her, and then her legs are flying out, hitting Bellamy's calves and sending him to the ground as well.

She gets up and goes to stand in between Bellamy's knees. Weirdly enough, there's a hint of a grin on his face.

"Promise you won't pull me down?" Clarke asks, extending her hand.

"I promise," he mutters, his grin disappearing as he uses Clarke's hand to lift himself up. Clarke tries to ignore the nervous flutter in her chest when he touches her.

_What are you, ten?_

"Did that help?" Clarke asks.

"I don't know, did it help you?" Bellamy asks, avoiding her eyes.

"I don't know," Clarke says, grabbing her sweater and walking out into the chilly air.

* * *

 

Her first panic attack since her return happens after dinner, as she's walking to her cabin.

She's more present in an endless lab with endless, twisting black and white corridors, a constant ominous hum of machinery and people.

Clarke freezes, and then suddenly she's running into the cabin. She stops at the small table in the main room, gasping for breath.

Benji's self assured chuckle rings through her ears, Victoria's smirk and Russell's deceptively warm smile flashing in front of her eyes.

"Stop it, stop it,  _stop it,"_ Clarke murmurs, shoving the heels of her hands into her eyes. She collapses into the desk and sets off a series of loud noises and crashes, but Clarke is shaking too much to even notice what's happening. The house is empty and silent, and gasping, panicked sobs pour out of her lips as she feels phantom snowflakes settle on her skin, feels phantom rivulets of blood running over every bit of exposed skin.

Her mind starts to burn, her brain on  _fire._

Clarke lowers her hands and her nails dig into the skin of her arms. She leans heavily against the table, a scream frozen in her throat, a gun against her head, a sword across her throat, radiation scorching her skin.

A small voice in her head tells her that none of it's real, but it quickly disappears.

Soon enough, real blood starts to flow from Clarke's nose and mouth. Her bones are shattering, her mind is disintegrating, her face is covered in tears and blood.

Russell's voice taunts her from the depths of her memory.

The ghost of Victoria's hand touches her shoulder.

Clarke tries to remain upright, most of her mind stuck in a nightmare.

" _Bellamy,_ " Clarke whispers.

Her last thought is the realization that no one will hear her body hit the floor.

* * *

 

Clarke doesn't open her eyes, but she's awake.

She's in her bed, wrapped in an assortment of the Eligius issued blankets.

Clarke opens her eyes, and curls her toes to return the feeling to them.

She turns her head and finds Bellamy sitting next to the bed in a chair, his head resting on the bed by her hand. He's asleep.

This will be easier, then.

Trying to be as quiet as possible while ignoring the pain that shoots through her muscles, Clarke slips out of bed, and finds herself in different, warmer clothes. She grabs her jacket off the chair in her room and exits the room.

It seems to be about an hour or so before dawn, a hint of light blue and gold bleeding into the purple and indigo night. Many of the stars have already faded, but there's still enough for Clarke to find Cassiopeia's strangely positioned throne.

Clarke sets off for her cliff, fishing a radio out of the inside of her jacket. 

She's tired and weak, but Clarke just about runs to her spot, and is relieved to see that the flowers are still glowing faintly. She goes and sits at the edge of the cliff, her legs dangling above the seemingly endless fall.

It would be so easy,  _so easy,_ for someone to just push her over and end it all.

Maybe she'd thank them if she wasn't falling to her death.

Clarke moves away from the edge and lies down, letting her eyes drift closed as the first sun starts to rise.

* * *

 

_"The vain queen," he says, his head turned up to the stars. "Watching her realm forever."_

_"I can't imagine how upsetting that must be for her," Clarke says, putting her hands on her hips. "I bet she's immensely disappointed in everything she sees down here. War and pointless bloodshed."_

_"Real cheerful, Clarke," Bellamy laughs._

_"You know me," Clarke says, smiling at the stars. "Total ray of sunshine."_

_"I think you might've been. Before all this," he says thoughtfully._

_"Me? Nah, I was just... either really serious or really sarcastic. Wells found it hilarious..."_

_Clarke trails off._

_"You think Wells is watching us from up there?" Bellamy asks, turning his thoughtful gaze on her._

_"I don't know," Clarke murmurs. "I wish he was here... sometimes I wish he was watching over me, over us, but sometimes I hope he isn't."_

_Bellamy sighs a little, looking up again, and Clarke takes the opportunity to let her eyes wander along the line of his jaw and over his face._

_She looks away just as he turns back to her._

_"Maybe there will be something more than just the fight," Bellamy says, but they both know it's wishful thinking._

_There's still a bit of hope in Clarke's heart though._

_So she turns to him with a smile._

_"Maybe. Maybe there will."_

* * *

 

She wakes to the sound of someone yelling. A recording of someone yelling. Why would she have a recording of someone yelling?

And then she realizes it's coming from the radio.

"What?" Clarke asks irritably, after snatching the radio from the ground.

"Oh, thank god. Where the fuck are you? I swear if you're dead, I'm going to kill you."

"Only if I die," Clarke says.

"Yeah, that's what...killing you...means?" Raven says, and Clarke gets up. 

"I'm coming back to camp now," she reassures Raven, and switches the radio off before she can hear any more screaming.

Murphy and Jordan are seemingly engaged in some halfhearted fist fight, while Shaw just watches from the sidelines. Murphy's trying to snatch a garland of twigs off of Jordan's head.

"Give me my hat back, Jordan!"

"Wanna go see Uncle Kracker tonight?" Shaw murmurs under his breath, and Clarke walks away from the scene before she can be even more confused.

A tall, broad figure slams into her, and Clarke gasps for air.

"Let her breathe, Bellamy," Clarke hears Echo say, and Bellamy pulls away from her, staring at the space just above her eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his hands still holding her arms.

No. 

She wants to cry again, let the waves of grief roll over her until she can gather the small bit of strength she needs to make it to the surface.

"Yeah," she says, backing away from Bellamy. "I'm fine."

She spends the next two hours lying in bed, thinking and feeling almost absolutely nothing.

* * *

 

It turns into a system.

Clarke starts to isolate herself again, retreating to her cliffside home when she can't bear to be in camp anymore.

Sometimes she sits in the field with Hope, singing until her voice starts to break and tears threaten to spill over her eyes.

Bellamy still barely talks to her.

Her next panic attack is one of the worst she's ever had, but at least Murphy is there that time, rubbing her back and watching over her.

Now, Clarke sits in bed, in the middle of the night, listening to the sound of the wind.

Her head hurts.

Her heart aches.

The cycle of pain has gotten old, but it never goes away for her anymore.

She closes her eyes and lets her body fall back onto the bed.

* * *

 _"Dad_ _?_ "

" _Hey, Clarke," Jake Griffin says, pulling her into her arms._

_"I missed you so much," Clarke whispers, her words muffled by his chest._

_"I know, Clarke, I know."_

_They stand in silence._

_"Look at you. All grown up," Jake eventually says._

_"Thanks, Dad," Clarke says with a watery laugh._

_"Are you alright, Clarke?" Jake says, pulling away to look into her eyes._

_Clarke is silent for a second._

_"No," she says, and she lets the tears fall. "I'm not."_

_Jake hugs her close again._

_"Dad, I'm not even in charge and still it always feels like too much and I don't know what to do..."_

_Clarke sniffles._

_"I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, if I'm good or bad, if I'm okay or not okay, and I just..."_

_Clarke lets her tears flow for some time._

_"I just want to go home, Dad, But I don't know where home is, I don't know where I belong. I don't know why I still wake up every morning and act like I have any reason to still be here. I don't know..."_

_Clarke chokes a little on her tears._

_"I don't know why I'm alive, Dad, it just hurts all the time now..."_

_"Clarke, you have so many reasons to be alive."_

_"Madi doesn't need me anymore," Clarke sniffles. "I just want to be with you, Dad. You and Finn and Wells and Lexa and Monty and Harper and everyone who was just taken away from me too soon..."_

_Clarke sobs._

_"Clarke, don't just let go now," Jake murmurs. "You've come so far, honey. And I am so, so proud of you. Despite everything you yourself aren't proud of."_

_Clarke looks up._

_"Live, honey," he says. "Don't die to be with those you've lost. Live for those you still have."_

_There are still tears in her eyes by the time Jake fades out of existence and Clarke is left alone._

_Cassiopeia in her throne, watching over her realm forever, alone among the endless stars._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no seriously guys should i post my original story  
> also  
> i'm sorry for torturing Clarke


	17. It's My Own Remorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonkru's ally is in danger. Bellamy and Clarke find themselves in a bit of a situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tired  
> sorry this is short.

The last person Clarke expects to see in camp is James, but here he is, looking agitated as he talks to Abby, Charmaine, and Kane. Clarke and Bellamy wordlessly make their way towards them.

"James, it's a bad idea, you don't even know where she is-" Kane says.

"No, but I know who has her," James interrupts, clutching one hand tightly with the other. "It's Russell. Russell took her. He'll use her again..."

Clarke's blood runs cold, and she feels Bellamy grab her elbow.

"Clarke..." Bellamy whispers.

"It's not Russell," Clarke declares, stepping forward. "It's Victoria's brother, Benji. He and Victoria are in charge."

" _Benji?!"_ James explodes. 

Clarke nods.

"Victoria has a brother?" Bellamy asks, crossing his arms. "And he has more power than Russell?"

"Yeah."

James runs his hand through his hair. "God, if only I knew where she  _was..._ "

"I know where she is," Clarke blurts, and Bellamy shoots her a venomous glare.

James looks up at her expectantly, and Clarke feels waves of guilt wash over her. Turning to Bellamy, she says, "I'm sorry. I don't have a location. I only know how to get there."

Bellamy sighs and looks down at his shoes, and Clarke can feel Kane and Abby's concerned gazes on her back.

James on the other hand, looks relieved. "Can you tell us how to get there? Or take us there?"

"No," Bellamy says immediately, at the same time Clarke says his name.

She's about to say something about Alexandra, but she suddenly grabs Bellamy's shoulder for support. It feels like someone has impaled her head with a burning poker.

"Abby," she hears Bellamy say faintly, as if she's listening underwater. " _Abby!_ "

Clarke starts to choke, and she feels herself falling against Bellamy. Strong arms band around her back and her knees, and pick her up like she weighs nothing more than a feather.

Her body sways as Bellamy runs with her in his arms.

"Bellamy," she tries to say, but of course, blood interrupts her words, and Clarke knows no more.

* * *

 

_She tumbles over the edge of the cliff._

_It's all happening so slow._

_It takes an eternity for Clarke Griffin's hand to slowly reach up for support that isn't there._

_But she isn't scared._

_She sinks through the air with the passive face of a stone angel._

_The stars are so bright._

_Cassiopeia watches her from above._

_Clarke falls into cold, uncompromising water, the stars disappearing as a wall of solid black rises up in front of her._

_Hands reach for her legs and ankles and start to pull her down._

* * *

 

Clarke bolts upright with a gasp, her head colliding painfully with Bellamy's.

"Ow," he says tonelessly.

Clarke lies back down, massaging her head.

"I'm sorry," she snaps, a sudden burst of anger exploding in her heart. "Okay? I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Bellamy says, sounding so sincere and kind that her anger melts away as soon as it came.

"Leaving you. Being selfish enough to go back to them. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry."

"Clarke-"

"You barely even talk to me, and I get it. I deserve that. But I need you to know I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you," Bellamy says, looking like a small child with his head hung low in shame.

Clarke lifts her hand and brushes a stray curl away from his forehead.

She remembers with a jolt that Bellamy has listened to her message, and her hand slowly comes back to her side. They sit in comfortable silence for some time, and Clarke chuckles a little.

"Look at me, Bellamy. I'm dying."

"You're  _not_ dying," he says fiercely.

"I might," Clarke says quietly. 

"Don't say that. You'll jinx it or something."

"I never knew you to be superstitious, Bellamy," Clarke says with a sad smile.

"You're talking to the man who's obsessed with Greek and Roman history  _and_ mythology," he says with a slightly sniffly laugh. "Of course I'd be superstitious."

"It's all just luck," Clarke sighs, sitting up, waving away Bellamy's silent protests that she should rest that he conveys through wild hand gestures. She slides off the bed, and immediately grabs Bellamy's shoulder. One of her legs is still asleep.

"Are you okay?" Bellamy asks, immediately setting his hands on her hips.

"My leg's asleep," Clarke says defeatedly, and suddenly she just wants to break down into tears, the simple occurrence of her leg being asleep bringing her to the proverbial edge.

Or maybe all her emotions are threatening to erupt out of her.

Bellamy stands and helps her loop an arm around his neck.

"Thank you for not carrying me," Clarke mumbles, limping her way out of the room with Bellamy's support.

"Do you want me to?" he asks immediately.

"Damn, Bellamy, no, that's why I thanked you, genius."

"Right," he says sheepishly. "I thought you were being sarcastic."

That startles a laugh out of her, which turns into sniffles and eventually tears.

Bellamy stops to hug her tightly.

Somehow, she still feels hopelessly incomplete and broken.

* * *

 

"It'll be cold," Clarke says, remembering the chilly air that pierced her skin no matter how many layers she wore. "It's in one of the northernmost regions of the continent. That's all I could really gather."

James nods, his posture stiff and his facial expression strained. Bellamy stands behind Clarke, his hand resting comfortingly on one of her shoulders.

She knows Bellamy can feel the tremble that runs through her whole body when she describes the lab.

"Clarke," James begins. "It's so much to ask but... please, please come with Will and me to get her."

Clarke pauses. She can feel Bellamy's fingertips press into her shoulder slightly harder.

"Only with Bellamy," Clarke says, her heart pounding in her chest. "Where I go, he goes, or I don't go at all."

James considers this for a moment, and grudgingly concedes.

"Great," Clarke says. "We have a plan."

And then she walks out of the tent, trying desperately to not run. 

She runs all the way into her bedroom in her and Bellamy's cabin, and she sinks to her knees by the bed, letting her head fall onto the sheets.

She cries until her ribs hurt so much that she can barely breathe.

She feels small arms wrap around her shoulders, and recognizes who it is instantly.

"Madi," Clarke sobs, her hands coming up to wipe tears away. "Is something wrong?"

"No, Clarke, I just..."

Madi trails off, and hugs Clarke tighter.

Eventually, she feels Bellamy's arms wrap around them both, and they just sit there for a long time, holding the pieces of Clarke Griffin together while they break apart.

"I don't want to go," she tells Bellamy, long after Madi leaves. They're lying in bed now, side by side on their backs with their hands joined between their bodies.

"So don't," Bellamy says.

"How else will James know how to go? It's not like I can use a radio at some point... it's isolated, alone..."

Clarke sighs.

"It's cold. So cold that I felt like my body would freeze completely if I even took a step outside. And it snowed, it snowed all the time."

"I'll be with you, Clarke," Bellamy says quietly, brushing his thumb over Clarke's hand, and she stifles a sigh of contentment.

"Promise?" she asks, afraid of the word itself.

"I promise."

* * *

 

Clarke and Bellamy walk through the woods, on their way back to camp after a small walk that Bellamy thought would help Clarke get stronger.

"Better than beating the shit out of me," he said.

Clarke had laughed genuinely for the first time in a while.

A twig rustles, and they both turn around in unison.

"Clarke...?" Bellamy asks, as Clarke automatically positions herself in front of Bellamy.

"Shut up," she whispers.

"Clarke, wait!"

Something sharp hits her in the shoulder, and she hears Bellamy groan in pain. She turns around and sees a dart embedded in his own shoulder.

"Shit," Clarke says, grabbing Bellamy's arm, as they both start to crumple to the ground. "Oh,  _shit._ "


	18. Help Me To Decide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's troubles are not over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at least someone other than clarke is getting hurt in this chapter

Her hands and feet are bound by wickedly strong looking chains.

She's surrounded by white, and she finds herself resenting the obscene amount of white rooms on this stupid planet.

She turns and sees a wall of glass that separates her from another room. Her heart sinks when she sees Bellamy, still asleep and also bound by his restraints.

"Bellamy!" Clarke screams. " _Bellamy!_ "

"He won't hear you," Clarke hears a familiar voice say almost sadly.

Clarke turns her head.

"What is it with you and kidnapping me?" Clarke snaps at Sonya and Jason, her first captors on the planet. "Why won't he wake up? Why won't he hear me?"

"He'll wake up soon," Jason says, picking up where his sister left off. "This glass is soundproof and one way."

"Can he see me?" Clarke asks, hating how scared she sounds.

"No," Sonya mumbles. "You can only see him."

Clarke would've broken Sonya's neck if she wasn't restrained.

"Why did you take me?" Clarke asks, her hands curling into fists.

"Russell wanted you. We took Bellamy too, we knew he'd be a liability," Jason declares, and  _god,_ Clarke will show him a fucking  _liability_ when she breaks every bone in his body.

"Tell Russell to shove a cactus up his ass," Clarke hisses, and Sonya sighs. They're clearly not getting what they want, and Clarke's not sure what that is.

"Don't you want to know where Russell is?" Sonya asks, her voice sickeningly sweet.

"Did you not hear the last thing I said?" Clarke asks, tipping her head back and letting it fall against the wall. "Cactus. Up his ass. Keep up."

They're trying to get her mind to open to him. Trying to make her susceptible to Russell being in her head again.

"He's here," Jason says, a horrible sort of delight gleaming in his eyes. "He's right here, right now."

Clarke doesn't move a muscle; she's petrified with shock and pure, bone chilling fear.

Jason and Sonya turn their heads towards the glass with synchronization that looks well rehearsed, and Clarke almost starts screaming when she sees Russell and Victoria walk into Bellamy's room.

"Don't hurt him," Clarke finds herself saying, but she doesn't know who she's really saying it to. "Don't you fucking hurt him."

"He won't even have a scratch," Jason drawls, and Clarke watches Victoria walk over to Bellamy and crouch down next to him.

Victoria takes something from her pocket and holds it under Bellamy's nose, and his eyes snap open, hands already attempting to go up to hurt Victoria. The chains stop him just as Victoria moves away.

"Where's Clarke?" Bellamy asks, his voice scratchy.

Russell looks at Victoria, and Clarke finds her body gravitating towards the glass.

"She's been a real issue with us, you know," Victoria says, and Bellamy's eyes are dangerous when he looks up at her.

"We thought she could help us, really we did," Russell says, crossing her arms. "But it, unfortunately, didn't work very well for us."

"We took care of the problem, though," Victoria says, leaning towards Bellamy and brushing a curl away from his forehead, and Clarke wants to cut her hand off.

"She's dead," Russell says, looking a bit more serious.

"No, she's not," Bellamy says, pressing his head against the wall to avoid Victoria's hand. "You're lying to me."

"I'm sorry," Victoria says quietly, straightening up and backing away towards Russell. "I'm really sorry."

"No," Bellamy says simply, but Clarke notices a slight tremor in his hands. "She's not dead. She is  _not_ dead."

Russell something out of his jacket pocket and Clarke realizes that it's the knife she always keeps in her own jacket, the names of everyone in Spacekru carved into the hilt the way she carved names into her rifle strap.

He puts the knife down on the floor, just out of Bellamy's reach.

"I'm sorry," Russell says.

"No," Bellamy repeats, his eyes glued to the knife. "No. Clarke... Clarke!  _Clarke!"_

He screams her name, and Clarke is screaming his name, lunging towards the glass but not being able to get too far. 

Bellamy is trying to reach her knife, trying to reach Russell and Victoria, and his shoulders shake with dry sobs punctuated with his calls for her. 

"She's not dead," he heaves. "You wouldn't kill her. She's too valuable to you."

"And that's why she had to go," Russell says sadly, putting his hands in his pockets. "We all know she never would've complied, and she knew too much, so we had to kill her."

"Bellamy..." Victoria says softly, as if she actually  _fucking cares_ about him. "It was the only way."

Bellamy stops struggling. 

"You're lying," he says to Russell. "You're lying to me."

Russell looks him dead in the eye, and Clarke knows what Russell's doing.

" _No!_ " Clarke screams. " _Get out of his head! Get OUT!"_

Bellamy slumps against the wall, his hands rubbing his temples as if he has a headache, his face one of pure devastation. Clarke doesn't find it in herself to be relieved that Russell isn't in Bellamy's head anymore.

"Did she suffer?" Bellamy asks, lowering his hands and turning his now tear streaked face up to them. "Did you hurt her?"

"She wouldn't go without a fight," Victoria says, subtly displaying a spray of blood on both her hands under the guise of nervous hand gestures. Clarke knows it's not her blood, but Bellamy doesn't know that.

His eyes go straight to the blood on Victoria's hands.

"No," he breathes, his breathing accelerating at an alarming rate. "No, no no!" He starts to scream again, starts to struggle against his restraints. But slowly, all the fight seems to leak out of his body, and soon he's just sitting there, sobbing and calling her name, pulling his own hair. "No, Clarke, no..."

Russell and Victoria look at each other one last time and leave the room, as Clarke feels a syringe slide into her neck.

* * *

 

"Oh, good, you're awake," Clarke hears a small voice say a minute after she comes back to the world.

Clarke opens her eyes, and sees a young boy in front of her.

"Dylan," she says quietly.

Dylan takes a key out of his pocket and starts to unlock the chains that bound her.

"What are you doing?" Clarke asks.

"I won't support them," Dylan says simply, and Clarke is momentarily struck by how much he reminds her of Madi.

"You're their brother," Clarke says, stretching her arms and legs out.

"No, I'm not," he mutters.

"Sonya said-"

"They're not my real siblings."

"Who are you, Dylan?"

Dylan turns his head towards the closed door of the room, then back to her. "I'm Eligius. Sonya and Jason took me in when I was young."

Clarke wants to point out that he's still young, but finds herself getting hung up on other details.

"You're Eligius? Does that mean-"

Dylan closes his eyes, and Clarke blinks. In the split second that her eyes were closed, Dylan has vanished.

"Dylan?" Clarke asks quietly. "Dylan!"

"I'm right here," she hears him say. "You just can't see me."

"Invisibility," Clarke breathes.

Dylan rematerializes in front of her. "Yeah."

"Bellamy," Clarke says immediately. "I need to get to Bellamy."

"Alright," Dylan says, helping her up (as much as he can with the fact that he's little more than half her size). He grabs her wrist and Clarke feels a strange sensation like cool water being poured down the back of her neck. Dylan pulls her out of the room, and Clarke almost gasps when they find themselves standing right in front of Russell and Victoria. Dylan drags her towards the wall.

"...have to kill him?" Victoria says quietly, turning her head to Russell.

"He could tell us how to soften Clarke. Use him to soften Clarke."

"You said it yourself, Russ, she'll never do what you want her to."

"She will if Bellamy Blake is involved..." Russell trails off, his voice growing fainter as he and Victoria walk farther down the hall. Dylan grips Clarke's wrist tighter and slowly unlocks the door of Bellamy's door with another key.

Dylan pushes the door open, and Clarke sees Bellamy sitting with his shoulders hunched over, his knees drawn to his knees, eyes staring straight ahead.

Dylan releases Clarke and she runs over to him, sliding to her knees in front of him.

"Bellamy?" she asks, putting her hands on his knees.

"Go away," he says tonelessly. "You're dead again."

"No," Clarke says, tears threatening to spill over. "Look at me, Bellamy. Look at me, I'm not dead. I'm not dead."

Bellamy's empty eyes shift over to her.

Dylan comes and puts a key into Clarke's hand, and Clarke gently unlocks his restraints.

"Clarke," he breathes, and it's like two galaxies colliding. Clarke's arms go around his neck and her knees come up to clasp his hips as she pulls herself into his lap and buries her face in his neck. Bellamy's hands grab fistfuls of her shirt, go up to roughly tangle themselves in her hair. The semi-pleasant pain of his fingers desperately wrapping locks of her hair around them feels like heaven to Clarke; it reminds her that he's real, that he's with her. His face finds its place in the area where her neck meets her shoulder, his lips unintentionally pressing into her skin.

They try to pull each other closer, _closer_ even when there's not even a centimeter of space left between their bodies. Clarke wants to kiss him; she wants to memorize the taste of his lips until it's all she'll ever be able to think about.

But she doesn't, just settles for having him close to her.

"We have to go," Clarke hears Dylan say. "Now."

Clarke stands up and helps Bellamy to his feet, and steadies him when he wobbles a little bit.

Dylan reaches for them and takes both Bellamy's and Clarke's hands, and Clarke watches Bellamy and Dylan fade out of sight.

"Okay," Dylan says, quietly leading out of the room. "Be very careful and be very quiet."

Dylan slowly leads them out of the building and into a vast city, with the golden bloom of dawn peeking over the horizon. He hands Clarke two pieces of paper, and she looks down and sees that it looks like some sort of ticket.

"The train is leaving from right there," Dylan says, pointing to a sleek silver train that's currently stationary at the end of the block. "It'll take you to the edge of the city, it's only a short walk south down to Coral Lake, the one with the crazy glowy stuff in it. You guys know where to go from there."

Clarke sighs, then impulsively pulls Dylan into a hug. "Thanks, Dylan," Clarke says.

"I'll cover for you," Dylan says when she finally lets him go. "Good luck." Bellamy puts a hand on Dylan's shoulder, and then takes Clarke's hand and starts to pull her towards the train.

* * *

 

Their train car is completely empty except for them, and Bellamy sits close to Clarke, his arm draped around her shoulders.

"They're still looking for you," he mumbles.

"Noted."

Bellamy doesn't laugh. After a moment of silence, he says, "I never listened to the whole thing."

"What whole thing?" Clarke asks, turning her head up to him.

"Your message. I could never get past you saying how your mission was dangerous..."

Clarke almost laughs out loud at the thought that if Bellamy had listened for just a few seconds more, he'd know that she was in love with him.

"I thought you were dead," he says, his hand coming up to quickly wipe away a tear. "I had no idea how long I sat there, Clarke. It was the worst couple of hours of my life."

"I'm not going to die," Clarke says, taking Bellamy's hand. "Not that easily."

"I lost you once," Bellamy says quietly. "I barely spoke to any of them for years."

"But you kept them alive," Clarke murmurs. "Used your head, like you were supposed to."

"Yeah, because my heart didn't work anymore," he says quietly. "Part of it died when I thought you did."

Clarke relaxes into his arm, presses herself closer against him. "I'm here now. I'm here."

"Good," Bellamy says quietly. "Don't leave me."

And so they sit there, in their brief, calm interlude, the rising suns lighting their faces up in a million shades of gold.


	19. Help Me Make The Most Of Freedom and of Pleasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hunt for Alexandra continues while Clarke's mental condition worsens and Bellamy begins to suffer from the aftermath of Russell's brief control of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

She's just so tired.

She hadn't slept on the train, hadn't rested as she and Bellamy slowly made their way back to Eligius.

She helped in med bay for the group of people that had accidentally eaten some poisonous berries.

She went and checked on Madi and Niylah and Octavia, who were, thankfully, taking good care of Madi.

Clarke doesn't ever want to sleep again.

Seeing Bellamy's reaction to her death twisted something in her, and the pure emotions that were starting to break through Clarke's blank exterior are disappearing again, and Clarke turns back into a blank void.

Bellamy's been in the med bay for two days with an awful headache, and Clarke visits him sometimes, but she doesn't stay long.

 _He's lucky,_ she thinks,  _confined to his bed with nothing to do but rest._

And then she's just so ashamed of herself for feeling that way.

Soon, Spacekru are the ones that spend the most time with him, and Clarke finds herself slowly becoming the outsider again.

Clarke's no stranger to solitude, but there's something so much worse about being completely alone even when you're surrounded by people.

No one notices her anymore, really, because Clarke knows, better than all of them, how to smile and pretend that she's perfectly fine.

It's getting warmer and warmer as the days creep by.

Bellamy is still in the med bay, and Clarke hasn't visited him for at least a week in a half.

But then she remembers how alone she was, and then her conscience finally forces her into going.

"Hi," Clarke says, her own voice sounding unfamiliar to her.

"Hey. Why didn't you visit?" he asks, not bothering to sit up. Clarke can understand; she  _still_ feels entirely drained of strength nowadays.

She hopes Bellamy will recover more quickly, having only had brief contact with Russell.

"I was busy," Clarke says vaguely, running her hands through the loose blonde waves that now reach the middle of her back. She'll have to cut it soon.

"Taking care of everyone else?" Bellamy asks, and for a second Clarke considers lying and saying that his guess was right.

"Not really," she says, perching on the edge of the bed.

"Clarke," he says, a worried edge appearing in his sleepy voice.

"They wanted me," Clarke murmurs, gently running her fingers through Bellamy's hair. "They were going to kill you because of me. Or hurt you to make me do what they wanted."

"If you're blaming yourself, I swear I'll-"

"You'll what?" Clarke pushes on. "I'm not wrong, Bellamy."

Bellamy sits up.

"All I did was hurt you."

"Did?" he asks, sounding decades younger than he is; centuries, really.

"Yeah," Clarke sighs. "I should've stayed dead."

"Clarke, what are you saying?" Bellamy asks, taking her hand, the one that's still mechanically going through his disheveled hair.

"Bellamy, I shouldn't be here," Clarke says, gently prying her fingers out of his grasp. 

"I- are you leaving?" he asks, his face one of disbelief.

"No," she says quietly. "But I won't come back here."

"Clarke-"

"The pain will never end for you unless I'm out of your life for good."

Bellamy is silent.

"Life on the Ring was good for you, Bellamy. I wasn't there to shatter the whole thing with who I am. You had a family."

"I was forced into a tin can with them!" Bellamy emphasizes. "Clarke, if you were there..."

"I have a feeling we would've come to the same conclusion," Clarke says, backing away towards the door.

"Clarke, no, I can't do this without you."

"You did for six years," she says.

"I thought you were  _dead,_ " he hisses. "I didn't think I could. I didn't even  _want_ to. I don't want to live in a world without my... my best friend. My best friend in this whole awful universe."

"Your best friend who only ever betrayed you or hurt you in the end."

"Clarke, you're not thinking clearly-" he begins.

"That's the thing, Bellamy," Clarke says, trying to fight back her tears. "Thinking clearly is the only thing I can do now."

" _Clarke_."

"I'm not your family, Bellamy. Not anymore."

She leaves.

* * *

 

Maybe if she concentrates really hard, she can recognize the moments where she realized she started to love Bellamy. Maybe not romantically, but as a friend.

Maybe if she tries to dig into her earliest memories of Earth, she can catch a glimpse of dark curls and a freckled face lit up by the golden green tint of the endless forest. 

Deep brown eyes locking with hers.

A touch as gentle as a fall breeze.

Clarke's eyes close, and she lets her head fall back on the bed. It both bothers and relieves her to know that Bellamy is not in the room just next to hers, but she knows it would be hard to fall asleep either way.

The door opens with a bang.

Clarke opens her eyes, but doesn't bother to see who's coming in.

"Get up!" Raven Reyes and John Murphy yell in unison.

"What do you want?" Clarke growls. "It's the middle of the night."

"You're practically nocturnal," Murphy mutters.

"Minus the 'sleep during the day' part," Raven adds in a second of normalcy, then her face morphs back into one of anger.

"It's about Bellamy, isn't it?" Clarke asks, her mood rapidly descending.

Raven and Murphy say nothing.

"Can I be alone right now?" Clarke asks, swallowing.

They both want to argue, Clarke can tell, but something changes in Raven's eyes, and then she shares a look with Murphy, who then quietly pulls her out of the room.

Clarke closes her eyes and this time, sleep does pull her into its unforgiving grasp.

* * *

 

Of course, with Clarke Griffin's luck, she's back in med bay the following morning.

She's lying on her side, just in case the blood comes back; it's been happening frequently since she's woken up, which is a first for her.

Bellamy comes in around midday, not looking much better than herself.

"How are you?" he asks, coming to her side and caressing her cheek with an intimacy that the two of them have never had before.

"Aren't you upset with me?" Clarke asks, her throat raw and dry.

"Clarke, I just- I'm not going to let you pull away from me. Not anymore."

"Leave me alone," Clarke mumbles. Bellamy doesn't move.

"Wow, guess you're serious," Clarke murmurs, and then a sickening, awful feeling washes over her. "On second thought, get me a bucket, now," Clarke commands, and Bellamy does it without hesitation.

He's behind her and holding her hair back in a second, and stays there until she's finally done coughing out blood. Bellamy's washed the bucket and put it away, and he's just about to leave when Clarke groans his name.

"Just stay with me," she whispers.

"You and your mixed messages," he says, going over to half lie, half sit next to her.

"You know me," Clarke says, exhaustion washing over her. "I'm not exactly mentally stable."

"That's not funny."

"Did I say it was?"

They're silent for a while.

"Do you cough out blood?" Clarke asks in a low voice, just hovering between waking and sleeping.

"No. Abby says I'm fully recovered from the aftermath." He sounds sorry when he says it, sorry for her.

"Mmm," Clarke murmurs. "That's nice."

"I wish you would recover," Bellamy says.

"Maybe I deserve it," Clarke mumbles, and god, she's just so tired. "I'm going to sleep."

Strong arms wrap around her middle from behind. "You do that, Clarke."

* * *

 

_Her bones ache._

_"Bellamy,"_ _she calls. But he's sleeping, he's so far away from her._

_"Clarke?" someone asks._

_"Dad?" Clarke murmurs, her eyes searching in the dark that stretches out before her._

_"You don't deserve this," Jake says._

_"Stop saying that..." she says. "It means nothing now."_

* * *

 

She's woken by choked sobs, and she turns to see Bellamy curled in upon himself, eyes tightly closed, hands clamped down over his mouth.

"Oh, Bellamy," Clarke mumbles, wrapping her arms tightly around his form.

"I always mess up, Clarke, and I'm always losing people I love." He furiously wipes his tears away.

Clarke rubs his back. "No, Bellamy, you're good, you're not messing up. Okay?"

"Look at me, Clarke.  _Look at me._ " Bellamy sits up to face her and puts both his hands on her face. "I messed up, and I almost lost someone I love. I almost lost you."

"Bellamy...?

"Listen, Clarke, I love you, okay? I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you."

"Bellamy, I-"

"No, I don't want to hear your answer, okay?"

"Bellamy, you're barely awake-"

He leans forward and he kisses her.

Slowly and deeply, Bellamy Blake kisses Clarke Griffin.

A part of her wants to pull away and stop taking advantage of Bellamy like this, but the part that makes her slide her hands into his hair and then cup his jaw and kiss him back wins over any other instinct. She lets her mouth open under his, the taste of him as refreshing as the first breath she took on Earth.

Bellamy pulls her closer, explores every curve of her lips and her mouth and god, Clarke can't possibly worry about anything else right now, can't think about anything else as Bellamy quickly, a little haltingly, pulls her so they're both lying down, her hair falling in a curtain around their faces.

Her lips are swollen by the time they break apart, and she can see in the darkness that his are as well.

"Bellamy?" she asks, reality and common sense slamming into her with the force of a tidal wave.

"Clarke," he murmurs, and within a few minutes, he's asleep, arms tightly wrapped around her tightly as if the gesture itself is a promise that he will not let her go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if y'all really think you got what you wanted well  
> haha  
> stay tuned


	20. Nothing Ever Lasts Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a strange revelation about Alexandra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short sorry

She's warm.

Safe.

She clutches a warm blanket in her arms, and when she tries to pull it over her, she only hears groans of protest, and the blanket starts moving.

Blanket- " _Bellamy?_ "

"Mmm."

"Bellamy..."

His eyelashes tickle her collarbones as he opens his eyes and removes his face from its place in her neck.

Clearly noticing the space between them, or the lack of it, he moves away and offers her a sleepy smile.

"How long have we been asleep?" Clarke asks, sitting up and rubbing her temples. She doesn't feel much better than she did yesterday, but when has anything ever gone right for her.

And then she remembers last night.

"I don't know," Bellamy says. "I was so tired I don't even remember falling asleep here."

"I- you- what?"

Bellamy rubs the back of his neck. "I don't remember much about last night. Did I wake up last night?"

"I- uh... um..."

"It's just that..." Bellamy trails off, looking lost. "I wake up in the middle of the night a lot, having nightmares and everything. And I don't know if I did that and I'm sorry if that woke you-"

"No! Uh, no. You slept like a rock."

"Seems reasonable, you are a pretty nice blanket and pillow," he says quietly, stretching all his limbs out, and Clarke almost implodes when his shirt goes  _way_ up.

"I'm going to leave," Clarke says, gingerly getting off the bed.

"Wait, wait," Bellamy says, immediately leaping out of bed. "What about last night...?"

"I'm fine," Clarke says, rubbing her eyes and tugging her shorts down in a futile attempt to lessen the coolness she feels from her legs being bare. "Wait, where are my pants?"

Bellamy shrugs, just as Raven comes in.

"Get out, Blake."

Bellamy stares hard at Raven for a second, then leaves the room. Raven tosses a pair of sweatpants at her, and then closes the door.

"I was monitoring footage last night."

"Uh huh," Clarke mutters.

"And I saw what happened in your room last night...?"

"Oh, my god, uh..."

"It finally happened!" Raven says in a loud whisper.

"God, no, Raven, he doesn't even remember!"

Raven falls silent for a minute. Then-

"No, no, no, Raven, get back here!" Clarke hisses, grabbing Raven's arms and holding her back before she can throw open the door.

"Are you serious? He needs to know!" Raven exclaims.

"No, he doesn't. I don't want him to. I don't  _want_ to be with Bellamy."

Raven's shoulders slump. "What?"

"I don't want to be with him."

"But I thought you lo-"

"So?" Clarke snaps. "I don't want to be with him. And for god's sake, Raven, just stop  _trying!_ "

"Stop trying to what?"

"Just stop trying with me!" Clarke yells, pulling the pants on. "Stop trying to act like I still have a place here, stop trying to pull me into the family that I don't belong in. Stop!"

Raven's hands curl into fists. "Fine. Fine, Clarke." She shoves the door open and leaves.

Clarke runs both her hands through her hair and kicks the door as hard as she can, ignoring the pain in her foot.

Raven doesn't talk to her at all for the rest of the day.

* * *

 

She's gathering a few of her things from her cabin when Bellamy knocks on the open door.

"Are you going somewhere?" he asks conversationally.

"I'm going to Niylah and Octavia's cabin," she mutters.

"Are you moving?" Bellamy asks, coming to stand next to her.

"Bellamy, just stop," Clarke says, trying not to yell at him.

"Clarke, what's wrong? You've been distant all day-"

"Damn it, Bellamy, just leave me alone!" she explodes, stepping away from him. Bellamy lifts an eyebrow. 

"Clarke, what the hell-"

"No, Bellamy. Just fucking stop! Stop trying! Stop! I'm dead to you, and I always will be! Just leave me the fuck alone!"

Bellamy steps back, his entire body tense.

Clarke grabs her bag and leaves.

* * *

 

Niylah tried asking questions, but Octavia stopped her and lead Clarke to Madi's room.

"Hi," Clarke says quietly to Madi. 

"Hi," Madi says. "Aren't you supposed to be with Bellamy?"

"I want to be with you," Clarke says simply, and that's that.

It's almost like Earth again, sleeping next to Madi.

Madi's nightmares are something new, but Clarke is there to hug her, and hold her.

" _Nomon,_ " Madi cries, and the word,  _mother,_ almost makes Clarke cry too. " _Nomon,_ I'm scared."

"I'm here, Madi.  _Ai strik natblida,_ I'm here."

* * *

 

She's at Coral Lake.

From afar, the city doesn't look nearly as horrible as it actually is, and Clarke enjoys staring at the faint, sharp lines that make up the skyline.

She hears rustling, and immediately grabs her knife from her inside pocket.

The noise comes closer and closer.

"I-  _Dylan!"_

"Clarke!" Dylan says, and barrels into her. Clarke returns the hug, a little surprised.

"Dylan, what is it?" she asks, looking down at the boy.

"I know someone who could help you."

"Dylan, who?"

"My sister," he says, tugging on the sleeve of Clarke's arm. "She's alive."

"Did you think she was dead?" Clarke asks, bending her knees to get closer to his height. "Talk to me, Dylan."

"I thought Russell killed her, when Sonya and Jason took me," Dylan whispers. "But Kaia's alive. And she's like me."

"Dylan, why are you here?"

"Russell was at the house, and he said something about a girl who could control things with her mind. Telekinesis. Kaia could do that. Kaia might be alive! And Russell also said she's leading Eligius!"

"Dylan," Clarke begins. "I don't think that's Kaia."

"Clarke, I always had a feeling she was out there. Mom wanted her to inherit the leadership of Eligius..."

Clarke considers his words for a moment, and then sighs.

"Okay, Dylan, what was Russell saying about the girl?"

"That she escaped, Clarke!" Dylan says excitedly. "Kaia-"

"Clarke!"

Clarke turns, and sees Alexandra, yes, Alexandra, running by the edge of the lake. She looks a little bruised, but it doesn't seem too serious.

Dylan turns, and his mouth falls open.

"Dylan?" Alexandra says when she finally reaches them.

"Kaia..." he breathes, and then they're colliding, holding each other tightly.

And suddenly, blood begins to bubble from Clarke's mouth.


	21. There’s A Room Where The Light Won’t Find You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans to take down Benji’s operation commence, and Clarke almost reaches her breaking point.

She should really stop waking up in med bay.

But what else can she really do, given her situation?

Alexandra- no,  _Kaia,_ sits next to Clarke’s bed, talking quietly with Dylan. Abby and Kane lean against the wall, talking to each other with concern.

”I’m awake,” Clarke mutters, sitting up and massaging her forehead.

”Oh, Clarke!” Abby says, rushing over to her and pressing a hand to her head, brushing her hair away from her face.

”I’m fine, Mom, seriously,” Clarke says, taking her mother’s hands within her own. It’s not necessarily a lie; Clarke is feeling well enough to function normally, if she ignores the dull pain in her head. “Anyways- Kaia, how are you here?” Clarke asks, swinging her legs off the edge of the bed.

”I knocked guards and personnel out with food trays and their own hands. Best game of ‘why are you hitting yourself?’ I ever played.”

She says it with ease, but judging by the large amount of cuts and bruises on her body, Clarke suspects it wasn’t quite as easy. But she doesn’t push, because Kaia starts talking again.

”Look, we have more important things to worry about. We did nothing while I was gone, and that’s a pretty major issue. We need to start taking action immediately.”

”How would we do that?” Kane asks, pushing off the wall and walking over to them. He smiles at Clarke and also brushes her hair back from her face, but she can tell that he’s more occupied with the worry of A- Kaia’s implications.

”Think of it like a game of chess. You play chess, right? It’s like that. Right now, I’d say Victoria is the queen and Benji is the king; they’re both in power, but Victoria, as of now, is the one doing the work up front. Think of Russell as the rook, and that Benji’s in a consistent system of castling with him. If we’re going to take down their side of the board, we need to kill Victoria; that takes away a lot of Benji’s protection. I need to take Russell into Eligius to answer for his crimes in front of the council. Doing that leaves Benji with no protection, and it’ll be easier to get to him.”

”So, not completely like chess,” Dylan says, rolling his eyes at his sister. “But you get the general idea.”

Clarke does get the general idea, quite well, but her mind is stuck on one small detail. 

“You’re not going to kill Russell?” Clarke asks in a small voice. She sees Abby, Kane, hell, even Dylan exchange concerned looks.

”Can I have a moment alone with Clarke, please?” Kaia says, and before Dylan can protest, she gives a light shove in the opposite direction. Abby walks out of the room, and Kane puts a hand on Dylan’s shoulder and guides him out.

”Look, Clarke, I know Castor has caused a lot of problems for you, but you have to understand that he wasn’t the one pulling the strings here. Yeah, he controlled you, but he was, in another way, being controlled as well. We should give him a chance at a fair trial in front of the Eligius council.”

”Was _he_ fair to the people he tortured? Your people? Me?”

”Revenge is not justice, Clarke,” Kaia says gently. “If we kill Castor Russell, we will be no better than him. Killing Victoria and Benji is a matter of planetary security.”

”There cannot be mercy without repentance, Kaia,” Clarke declares. “And I don’t think Russell will repent any time soon. Come on, Kaia, he’s just as devoted to the cause as Victoria or Benji. He’s just as dangerous!”

”Eligius is my responsibility,” Kaia says, almost sadly, and Clarke remembers Dylan briefly mentioning his mother’s wish that Kaia ended up in the position she is in now. “And I will decide what to do for someone who has committed crimes against Eligius.”

Clarke wanted, needed Lexa to believe that blood must not have blood, but now, Clarke’s not sure whether she agrees.

_Jus drein, jus daun._

* * *

 

Bellamy comes in a few hours later.

”What?” Clarke says. She’d meant for the word to come out snappy and indifferent, but she’s too tired and upset for it to have the desired effect. Raven comes in after him, and then Murphy, and then Emori, and then Echo.

”Is this a group confrontation?” Clarke asks, letting her head fall back on the pillows.

”It’s a group apology,” Echo says.

”And a group acceptance of your apology,” Raven mutters, still sounding astronomically pissed.

“But I didn’t apologize,” Clarke protests. Murphy gives her a frantic look that clearly says  _stop talking._

”Listen, Clarke,” Emori begins. “We’ve given you what you wanted for a while. We’ve left you alone when you wanted us to. But we’re not giving you what you need.”

Murphy sidles over to the bed and takes her hand. “Clarke, isolating yourself has hurt you so much, and you’ve had a lot of hurt to begin with. You’ve taken care of us all the time, even when we thought you were dead. Now you need to let us take care of you.”

Tears sting the back of her eyes.

”Fuck you, John,” Clarke sniffles. “Making me cry in front of everyone here.” She sits up and hugs Murphy as tight as she can. Soon, she hears Emori’s feminine sigh and her arms come around them, and then Echo’s lithe limbs wrapping around them, and then Raven, and finally Bellamy, holding them all together, the way he always has.

”I’m sorry,” Clarke heaves, and her heart is breaking, shattering with sorrow and joy. “I’m so, so sorry.”

* * *

 

Abby releases her from med bay the following day.

Raven stands outside the transport ship, looking like she’s in a better mood. Clarke puts an arm around her shoulder when their paths intercept, and they start to walk around the camp.

”So,” Raven says, sounding a little embarrassed. “I may have done something you would not approve of.”

”Did you sleep with Bellamy again?”

The two women look at each other for a full twenty seconds, then burst into uncontrollable laughter. Clarke feels strangely light; maybe being around her loved ones is better than isolation after all. When Raven finally regains her composure, her expression hardens into one that is both guilt and determination.

”I listened to your message that you left for Bellamy.”

Okay, not that bad.

”Come on, Raven, it’s fine.”

”And then I made him listen to all of it.”

”You did  _WHAT?!_ ” Clarke gasps, immediately freezing, causing Raven to accidentally almost shove her into the ground because they still have their arms around each other’s shoulders.

Raven shrugs, but Clarke sees a smile tugging at the corners of her lips as if she has the audacity to find this entertaining.

”Raven,” Clarke begins, struggling to keep her voice even. “When did you do this?”

”Before you woke up.”

”So he knew when you guys came to deliver that group apology or whatever?”

”Yep,” Raven says, and she’s actually smiling now; the little shit actually looks proud of herself.

”You know,” Clarke mutters, squeezing the bridge of her nose. “Out of all the people I expected to do something like this, you and Madi were tied for first place.”

”Yeah, well, I don’t have the responsibilities of being a Commander to stop me from the responsibilities of making sure my best friends are being morons. And also, I don’t want to hear that ‘I don’t want to be with Bellamy’ bullshit again. I know you do, even if you also think it’s bad for both of you.”

”But it is, though,” Clarke groans.

”No, it’s not. New planet, new chance.”

”Great job,” Clarke drawls. “That your new motto?”

”You bet your ass it is.”

Clarke’s definitely stressed out by Raven’s news, but she starts to smile.

”Octavia moved your stuff back to Bellamy’s cabin,” Raven plows on. “Now go, and sort your shit out with my boy Blake. Okay?”

”Wait, just like that? What am I even going to say?” Clarke asks frantically.

”I’ve helped you  _enough,_ ” Raven says, shoving Clarke in the general direction of the cabins, and then she skips,  _skips,_ as best as she can with her bad leg, away like she has no care in the world.

* * *

 

”Hey, Madi?” Clarke asks, stepping into her room. She’s surprised to see Niylah and Octavia sitting there with Madi, all deep in conversation. Their heads turn at her words.

”Oh, hey, Clarke,” Octavia says, smiling almost as radiantly as the girl Clarke knew back when they first got out of the dropship. 

“Hi,” Niylah and Madi say in unison.

”BellamyknowsIlovehim,” Clarke says in one breath.

”Hold up,” Octavia says, waving her hands around. “One more time.”

”I understood her the first time,” Madi says curiously.

”Yes, so did I,” Niylah adds.

”Yeah, me too, but I wanna hear her say it like a normal human. I just wanna hear her say it again.”

”Asshole,” Clarke mutters, which earns her a huge grin from Octavia.

”Go on, Griffin,” Octavia pushes. “Say the magic words!”

”Bellamy knows I love him,” Clarke mumbles.

”Sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Octavia says with a shit eating grin.

”Bellamy knows I love him!” Clarke exclaims, and it actually feels like a weight being lifted off her chest.

”Great!” Madi says with a smile. “Now’s the part where you guys get me some new siblings, if you know what I mean.”

”Madi!” the three women gasp.

”Am I really wrong?” Madi drawls, sounding so much like a younger Octavia that Clarke has to suppress a giggle.

”Clarke,” Niylah says gently. “Don’t be afraid to be with someone you love.”

* * *

 

Clarke expects her cabin to be silent, but to her dismay, she hears another voice near Bellamy’s room.

She realizes with a jolt that it is her own voice, cracking through a radio.

_”And I want you to remember me telling you something. A fact that will stand until the end of time. And even after.”_

Clarke pushes Bellamy’s door open.

”I love you, Clarke Griffin,” he murmurs to the radio.

And that’s when Clarke speaks.

”Good, or else this would’ve been really awkward.”


	22. Holding Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke find their home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I’ve like never ever even tried to write something like what’s happening in this chapter so no hate thanks I know it probably sucks

He turns his head to her.

"But I already kind of knew. Hoped, really," Clarke adds. "That night when you were in the med bay with me... you did wake up."

"And what happened?" Bellamy asks, not moving from his bed.

"You said it. You told me... you told me you loved me. And then we kissed. That's it."

"Well, none of that counts," Bellamy says shortly, standing up. Clarke's heart rate is shooting up towards the stars.

Bellamy comes closer to her, and Clarke finds herself backing up against the door. She must've closed it when she came in.

"Why doesn't it count?" Clarke asks, her heartbeat making her own words sound halting and erratic to her own ears.

"Because when I kiss you and tell you that I'm in love with you, Clarke," Bellamy says, and the space between their bodies just keeps disappearing until he's right in front of Clarke, his deep brown eyes locked onto hers.

"I want us both to believe it and remember it and know it and be aware of it the whole time," Bellamy breathes, his fingertips touching the door on either side of her, trapping her between his arms.

There's a gentle intensity in his gaze that Clarke recognizes.

God, he's even wearing the same shirt as that day.

A list.

Her name written in all capital letters.

She wishes, and now she thinks she sees her name written on his heart.

Bellamy's eyelids are fluttering closed, and Clarke's fingers curl around the belt loops of his pants, pulling him closer.

"I was scared," she admits, and she can  _feel_ Bellamy's breath tickling her lips. "I was so scared that it would be bad for both of us."

"So what if it is?" he asks gently, but Clarke can sense a desperate impatience lying beneath his words.

Clarke lets her eyes open completely for a second, focus on those freckles and those warm brown irises being taken over by Bellamy's pupils.

Slowly, tentatively, she pecks Bellamy's lips with her own. 

The first kiss that counts.

And though it isn't longer than a second, Clarke can't help but marvel at the pillowy softness of his lips, his gentle hand that comes to the small of her back.

"Am I going to let you get away with that?" Bellamy says quietly, smiling as his nose slides along hers.

"You shouldn't," Clarke says quietly, and regardless of who moved first, they're kissing,  _really_ kissing, and Clarke fears she'll never be able to stop.

Bellamy gently parts her lips with his own, and the taste and feel of him explodes in Clarke's mind and her heart and her entire body. Her entire body is pressed up against the door, and Bellamy's entire body against hers.

He kisses her again, and again, not letting the need to breathe stop him for long.

"I waited for years," he gasps in between Clarke's deep kisses. "And then I thought you died and I-"

"Bellamy," Clarke says, putting a hand in between their lips, because she's afraid she's going to absolutely lose all the control she has if she doesn't keep a momentary boundary between them. "I will not leave you."

"Good," he says, pushing her hand away and hoisting her up so he's carrying her. Clarke's limbs automatically wrap around him for support, and once again, irrationally, she thinks of the koalas she read about on the Ark.

"I think we should stop talking," Clarke says in a low voice, then almost laughs at how suggestive it sounds.

Maybe that isn't such a bad thing, because Bellamy gives her the smirk she remembers from the dropship days, and kisses her like the world is ending.

Hell, maybe it is, but Clarke's thoughts aren't going farther beyond the feel of Bellamy's mouth on her own.

Stars are exploding behind her eyelids, galaxies spiraling across her mind.

_Bellamy._

Her hand comes cup his smooth jaw, while the other slides into his soft, curly hair.

It's great; she kind of hated that beard anyway.

"Why do we still have these?" he asks with a gentle laugh, tugging on her shirt and then his own.

"Let's fix that," Clarke says boldly, tugging Bellamy's shirt off in one swift gesture. She can't help but let her hands wander over the lines and the muscles of his body, let them gently brush his scars. All the things that define him, the arches and curves that belong not to her, but _with_ her.

Bellamy looks at her the same way he used to look at the stars back on Earth.

Like she's the most beautiful thing that he's ever seen.

And Clarke feels beautiful in his arms, under his gaze.

"Your turn," Bellamy says with a sheepish smile, and yes, Clarke feels like a young teenager, but she doesn't mind the feeling because she's with Bellamy. Her best friend, her world. He carries them over to the bed.

"I love you," Clarke breathes, as Bellamy gently lays her on the bed and pulls her shirt off.

He leans down for a chaste kiss. "And I love you."

"Yeah, you'd be an idiot not to," Clarke says with a breathless chuckle, to try and hide the consistent pounding of her heart, the way her body arches up against his.

"Yeah," he says, brushing kisses along the column of her neck and along her collarbones. It's the first time Clarke and Bellamy have done anything remotely like this before, but he seems to know exactly what to do to make her whole body hum with pleasure. "How could I not love someone as reckless and bold and smart and as beautiful as you?"

"You're calling  _me_ reckless?" Clarke says, and then a string of mild obscenities and his name bubble from her mouth when Bellamy's lips come back to the juncture between her neck and her shoulder. His hands go to clasp hers and gently push them up to rest a bit above her head.

God, she's going to actually die today.

"I'll show you reckless," Bellamy murmurs, a little boldly, a little reverently.

They don't talk at all after that.

* * *

 

She says his name as the world goes white behind her eyes, the steady rhythm of their bodies moving together synchronized with their heartbeats.

After, she lets her head fall back on the pillow, then turns her head to watch how Bellamy seems to glow with happiness.

"Hi," she says, as he starts to trace her bare shoulder.

"Hey," he says, and for a second the fire that ignited Clarke just moments before returns.

_Damn, Clarke, get a grip._

"I don't want to leave this cabin for another week," Bellamy groans, and Clarke smiles, wrapping her arms around him and pulling herself closer.

"I definitely have no problem with that idea," Clarke says, gently kissing the skin that covers Bellamy's heart. "But-"

" _Alright, kids! We're coming to your cabin in fifteen minutes, be ready!"_ Raven's cheerful voice yells through the radio.

"Shit," Bellamy mumbles, and they both scramble off the bed, trying to recover the clothes that were dramatically thrown into various areas of the room throughout the past hour. In her haste, Clarke accidentally pulls on Bellamy's shirt.

"Damn it," he laughs, then puts on a new one. They both rush down the stairs, just as the door swings open.

"Hey," Murphy says, standing in the doorway. "What were you guys doing?”

”That’s none of your business,” Clarke says, while Bellamy declares, “We were just talking.”

The rest of Spacekru pile into the cabin, and Raven looks at both of them.

”Nice shirt, Clarke,” Raven drawls. “Is it new?”

Everyone looks at Raven, and then at Clarke’s shirt.

”Why is everyone staring at my chest? Can’t you just take Raven’s word for it?” Clarke asks.

Murphy crosses his arms and sighs.

”Okay, but seriously, why is everyone here?” Bellamy asks. Clarke would’ve found his supreme lack of concern entertaining if she wasn’t so impatient; it feels like the very air between her and Bellamy is charged with electricity.

”Just making sure you haven’t killed each other,” Echo says immediately, and a couple of the others turn to her as if that was not the reason they came. “Come on, guys, we should go,” Echo continues, and drags Raven out, followed by Murphy and Emori.

“Are they gone?” Bellamy asks.

Clarke waits until the sound of their laughter fades completely before nodding to confirm.

Next thing she knows, she’s back against the wall and kissing Bellamy.

”Don’t you have important stuff to do?” Clarke asks when he pulls away.

”You’re important stuff,” Bellamy says with a grin, and Clarke kisses him again, though it’s not really much of a kiss because of how much they’re both smiling.

”I meant- oh, my god!” Clarke exclaims as Bellamy suddenly picks her up and starts to carry her back towards his bedroom.

”I know we can’t stay here for another week,” he says, his voice low, “but I do want to stay here as long as I can. With you. Is that okay with you?”

Clarke will never get over how much she loves his eyes.

”More than okay with me,” Clarke grins as she falls back onto the bed.

”Mmm. Probably too late to even do anything anyway. What time of day is it anyway?” Bellamy asks, settling on top of Clarke but holding himself up with his elbows so he doesn’t crush her.

She turns her head to the wooden doors of the window. “Uh, I don’t know, maybe around dusk.”

”Perfect, we’ve got a whole night,” Bellamy says with a smile, and Clarke knows she’s done for.

”What about dinner?” she asks, and then let’s out a snort of laughter as soon as the words out of her mouth.

”I think we’ll survive,” he says quietly before leaning down to gently kiss her.

”I love you so much, Bellamy,” Clarke breathes into the kiss. “I love you.”

He looks a little heartbroken when he smiles at her, but there’s hope and love in his eyes as well.

”A part of me is afraid that this is all a dream,” Bellamy mumbles. “That you never came to the cabin in the first place. Hell, I’m afraid that we’re still on the Ring, and this is all some dream.”

Clarke flicks him on the cheek.

”Ow! What was that for?” he asks indignantly.

”This confirms that it’s not a dream,” Clarke says.

Bellamy raises an eyebrow.

”Really, Bellamy, you want me to do it again?” Clarke asks with an exasperated smile.

”Oh, no, I’m good,” he says before kissing her in a way that promises a lot in the very, very near future.

”Bellamy,” she warns as his lips go lower.

”Not a dream,” he says in a sing-song voice against her sternum while he drops her shirt over the bed. “So I can do...” He plants a kiss above her navel. “Whatever the hell...” He goes lower. “I want.” 

“Whatever the hell you want,” Clarke sighs, which turns into a string of curses as Bellamy turns his attention to more sensitive areas.

”You kiss me with that mouth?” he asks in disbelief, but Clarke barely hears it over her pounding heart and the sound of her own rapid breathing.

”You don’t mind it,” she breathes.

”I most certainly don’t.”

* * *

 

Sure, she does nearly die that night, but Clarke wakes up feeling content for the first time in a very long time. 

This is most likely the best she’s ever felt after getting only an hour and a half of sleep.

She guesses it’s just before dawn; Bellamy’s torso is bathed in the silvery moonlight, and Clarke wraps an arm around him.

”Clarke,” Bellamy greets, and Clarke is foolishly reminded of the way he said it just a few hours before.

”Good morning,” she says with a smile, and for once, it doesn’t seem forced or a temporary barrier against tears.

“I love you,” Bellamy says immediately. “I just want you to know that I love you.”

”I love you, too,” Clarke says, tilting her head up to kiss the corner of his mouth. It amazes her, how freely she can say these words to him, how unhurriedly she can kiss him.

” _Clarke? Bellamy? This is Kaia. We need you in  the meeting hall in an hour.”_

”Unbelievable,” Bellamy mutters as he sits up, letting the blanket fall to his waist.

Clarke groans and buries her face in the pillow. Soon enough, she feels Bellamy’s lips making their way up her neck.

”Bellamy Blake, I swear to god, if you do that it’ll be a lot tougher for either of us to get out of bed,” she says, and she feels Bellamy chuckle before stopping just below her ear.

”Then just get up,” he says, playfully shoving her shoulder.

”Fine,” Clarke grumbles. “Get a pair of pants from my room,” she orders as she reaches for the shirt that lies on the floor on her side of the bed.

”As the Princess commands,” and Clarke can hear his smile.

* * *

 

”It’s a national holiday,” Kaia says. “Most of the city will be there.”

”So it’s like the Meridian op,” Murphy mutters. “But the plan is to kill Victoria and take Russell into custody.”

Clarke crosses her arms, and Bellamy gives her a slightly concerned look.

“Yeah,” Kaia says, her eyes also flicking over to Clarke’s.

”Great,” Clarke mutters. “Who’s going?”

”Your Commander,” Kaia begins.

”Excuse me?” Clarke asks.

”Clarke,” Echo says gently, “she has the intellect of about a dozen Commanders in her head. We will need her for this mission.”

Clarke rubs her temples. She can feel the eyes of everyone in the room watching her.

”Okay,” she concedes. “Go on.”

”I’ll be there,” Kaia continues. “And you and Bellamy. Echo and Murphy as well. Jamie will meet me there. You guys would be better off with the advantage of our abilities.”

She says abilities like it’s a curse.

“Okay,” Clarke mutters. “When do we leave?”

”Tonight,” Kaia says. “We’ll meet James at a specific rendezvous point located in probably the safest sector of the city. He’s taken care of getting us into the Aurora Ball.”

”Kaia,” Bellamy says. “This seems a little rushed. It honestly might not work.”

”Trust me,” Kaia says somberly. “It has to.”

Everyone is silent.

”You have one day,” she continues. “Get your things ready, inform your friends and family.”

”Kaia,” Kane says from his corner of the room, where he stands with Indra. “Are you sure about this? It all seems to be coming out of nowhere.”

”The best plans always do,” she says, almost sadly, and everyone knows that they’re dismissed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I write an Interstellar au to help you guys cope with how awful this fic is about to get


	23. While The Walls Come Tumbling Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their dangerous mission begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long to get this out, the interstellar au took up about fifteen hours of continuous writing. Yeah. FIFTEEN.

"What do you think was up with her?" Clarke asks, pulling the gray dress on.

"Something happened to her in captivity," Bellamy says, zipping up her dress. Clarke turns to help Bellamy with his tie.

"I don't like it," she admits. "Her judgment is definitely affected by something."

"She could be acting," Bellamy mutters, reaching around Clarke's neck to fasten the clasp of a thin gold chain.

"It's too much," Clarke complains, pulling at the long sleeves of her dress. Bellamy lets out a humorless laugh.

"Probably takes away from all the weird shit going on here."

"I would love it if we landed on a planet where not everyone was trying to kill us," Clarke muses, crossing her arms and turning to the floor length mirror. She's glad there's a pair of dark pants underneath the skirt of her dress; it'll make things easier if it comes to the worst.

"I mean, we kind of did. They didn't want to exactly kill us until we realized what they were doing," Bellamy replies, appearing beside her in the mirror.

"Got your gun?" Clarke asks, nudging Bellamy's shoulder with her own. 

"Yeah," he replies. "God, this is like all the bad spy movies that were on the Ark."

"Mission Impossible wasn't bad!" Clarke protests.

"I'm talking about James Bond," Bellamy counters. "Too weird."

Clarke laughs and tucks her knife into the hidden pocket on her dress.

There are three loud knocks on the door.

 _"Teik me in!"_ Madi snaps.

"English, Madi," Clarke chides, opening the door. Madi wears loose flowing pants complete with a tight, corset-like long sleeved top.

"Why do you get more comfortable clothing?" Clarke asks indignantly.

"I'm the Commander."

Clarke bites back a smile. "Alright,  _Heda._ Let's go."

* * *

Echo and Murphy are both dressed in startlingly white clothing, and Kaia looks immaculate in deep red silk. James stands next to her, nervously tapping his finger on his wrist.

"I have a really bad feeling about this," Murphy mutters to Clarke as they stride towards the entrance of the ballroom. The same one the Meridian Gala was in.

"Stick to the plan," Clarke whispers. "You and Kaia need to get Victoria out of the ballroom. Bellamy, Echo, Madi, and James will handle Russell."

"So what are you doing?" Murphy drawls, smirking at her.

"They wanted me to be on the sidelines," Clarke says, a little bitterly. "I'm basically chaperoning."

"'Course you are,  _Mom."_

"Shut up," Clarke says halfheartedly, trying to keep an eye on Madi. "I just hope I don't need to get involved."

"This'll go smoothly," Murphy assures her, then freezes.

A tall figure dressed in a deep ocean blue weaves through the crowd.

"That was easy," Murphy says, as they track Victoria's movements.

_Victoria never does anything without a purpose._

"She knows we're here," Clarke says. "She wouldn't just be walking around like that. She'd be with Russell; she always is unless she has some sort of other ultimatum."

"Could be paranoia," Echo mutters, appearing next to them.

"Victoria's a spy, like you," Clarke says. "Would you want to be noticed?"

Echo watches Victoria for another minute. "You might be right. But we can't risk disrupting the event. It'll only make things harder."

"If she knows we're here," Murphy begins. "Then she's taken more precautions than it seems."

"I wouldn't doubt it," Echo agrees. "She can control minds, can't she?"

"No, she can't," Kaia says, appearing behind them. "And don't clump together like that, you're supposed to  _blend_ in."

Echo guides them to the edge of the crowd, and they all look expectantly at Kaia.

"She can show specific people what they fear most," Kaia says. "And most in the general vicinity will see that person's fear as well, and they won't be able to tell that it isn't real."

"But she was controlling me-"

"That was Russell," Kaia clarifies. "And some of the events with Victoria were of your own volition, Clarke. Russell wasn't entirely controlling you, but he was manipulating your thoughts to push you in the direction he wanted you to go."

Clarke closes her eyes and sighs. "So what you're saying is that we might be playing some mental game of chicken trying to catch Victoria."

"Essentially."

"I don't even know what I'm afraid of," Murphy protests, and Clarke envies him.

"Believe me," Kaia murmurs darkly. "You'll know when you see it."

* * *

Clarke weaves through the edge of the crowd, trying to spot Echo or Murphy every few seconds. She's given up on trying to find Madi or Bellamy; they've disappeared completely.

Clarke closes her eyes for a second, then they snap open when she feels a hand wrap around her wrist.

"Didn't think I'd see you around here," Victoria mumbles.

Clarke looks right into her eyes.

"You never tried using my fear against me," Clarke says, as Victoria pulls her into a secluded hallway.

"I knew you would never fall for it," Victoria drawls, a hint of fake sweetness in her voice. "Bellamy, on the other hand..."

Clarke hand's curl into fists, but she doesn't punch Victoria.

"Take the weapon out of your pocket," Victoria commands. Clarke glares at her as she pulls the knife out, and drops it on the ground.

"Why are you here, Clarke?" Victoria asks, putting her hand under Clarke's chin. "I'm sure you want nothing more than to be done with us."

_I want to tear your fucking eyelids off._

"There's always some left to continue the cause," Victoria continues, not waiting for Clarke's answer. "Kill me, kill Russell, kill Benji. There's always someone left. Alexandra doesn't deserve to be in power.  _We do."_

"You think you have this whole thing figured out, don't you?" Clarke asks.

"I don't think. I know," Victoria says.

"Please, Victoria," Clarke says, sneering up at her. "You don't even know who's in charge here."

Victoria's face contorts into frustrated confusion for a second before Clarke drives her elbow into her chin.

"Do you know who Alexandra is?" Clarke asks, picking up her knife when Victoria staggers back.

"A minor inconvenience," Victoria says, reaching for a small but wickedly sharp dagger.

Clarke cuts away the skirt of her dress and starts to back away towards the ballroom.

"You can run, Clarke," Victoria says. "I won't stop you."

"It didn't have to be like this," Clarke murmurs, stopping in her tracks. "You don't need to be the most powerful people on this planet, Victoria."

"That's not really why you're angry, though," Victoria says. "You're angry about something else."

"You made me kill them," Clarke breathes. "You made me a killer for the wrong cause."

"Everyone kills, Clarke," Victoria says. "Haven't you killed before?"

"I've killed hundreds," Clarke snaps, suddenly advancing towards Victoria.

_This is not the plan._

"But unlike you, I still have a bit of humanity left."

"Not really," Victoria says, a cruel smile stretching across her features.  _"Wanheda._ _"_

Clarke lunges, the knife outstretched, and Victoria lashes out with equal violence, sliding her dagger across Clarke's arm with deadly grace.

"I took it from you," Victoria says, as Clarke staggers back. "You should thank me."

"Thank you?" Clarke snaps in disbelief, her knife a silver gleam in the air. In the blur of her movements, Clarke glimpses blood streaming down the side of Victoria's face. 

"Yes," Victoria breathes, gasping in pain as Clarke slashes her down the side and disarms her. "When have humans gotten far without losing their humanity?"

Clarke kicks her, swipes her leg out so Victoria falls.

_She's not even trying that hard._

"Clarke, don't!" she hears Bellamy yell, and Clarke looks up.

Russell stands, holding a gun to Bellamy's head.

"You're too late," Victoria groans. "We knew you were coming."

Clarke stabs her in the shoulder, blood splattering over her front.

Victoria screams, but her eyes stay wide open.

"Let Bellamy go," Clarke says, turning to Russell.

"I would've done that if we were any other situation," Russell says, sounding almost sad. "But he needs to die."

 _"Clarke, stop, it's not real!"_ Echo yells, running into the hallway. Clarke looks down at Victoria, and feels a sudden pain in her leg. Victoria drops her own knife, wet with the blood from Clarke's leg.

Clarke collapses near Victoria, and a moment later, before Echo and Murphy can reach her, Victoria is on top of her, holding a gun to her forehead.

"Turns out you fell for it after all," Victoria breathes, squeezing the trigger.

"Kill me," Clarke hisses, her heart pounding. "Go on, do it."

Victoria closes her eyes, fingers still on the trigger.

Clarke hears Echo and Murphy start yelling. Yelling someone's names.

Clarke hears their yells of pain as they call...

"Madi, get back!"

"Bellamy, no!"

* * *

In a split second, Victoria opens her eyes, and fires.

But not at her.

Clarke gasps, knocking Victoria's form out of the way.

"Madi...?"

It seems to take an hour for Madi to fall.

Clarke reaches out for her knife and slides it across Victoria's throat in one sharp, unforgiving gesture.

Victoria's eyes bore into hers even after she stops breathing.

Clarke drags herself up, and falls, the place where Victoria cut her leg stopping her.

"Don't move," she hears Russell say. "Or I'll shoot Madi  _and_ Bellamy."

"Madi!" Clarke screams.  _"MADI!"_

There's no answer.

Clarke crawls towards Victoria's gun, sobbing, and looks up to point it at Russell, who stands in front of Murphy and Echo's crumpled bodies. They both watch her, and Echo shakes her head imperceptibly.

"I'll kill you," Clarke chokes out, staggering to her knees. 

"No, you won't," Kaia says, appearing in the middle of the hallway with James, standing in the puddle of Victoria's blood.

"Xandra," Russell says with a laugh. "What a pleasant surprise-"

Kaia throws a syringe at him, and it strikes Russell in the neck.

He falls before he even realizes what happened.

Clarke screams at the top of her lungs, her entire vision going dark for a second, eliminating Echo's, Murphy's, and Russell's bodies lying in one corner, Bellamy kneeling over Madi, his hands stained with blood, Kaia and James slowly approaching her.

When Clarke starts to see again, she limps towards Russell, her gun trained on his head.

An invisible force shoves her into the wall, and Clarke gasps, still holding onto the gun.

"Stop, Clarke!" James hisses. "You got what you wanted! You killed Victoria!"

"It was Russell's fault!" Clarke screams, struggling to her feet.  _"And I'm going to fucking kill him!"_

Clarke lunges blindly, and hands grab her shoulders.

"Stop fighting, Clarke," Kaia says.

 _"THIS WAS YOUR PLAN!"_ Clarke shrieks, turning on Kaia. The gun comes up, Clarke's finger on the trigger.

Russell starts to stir, and everyone freezes.

Clarke slams the barrel of the gun into Kaia's forehead, and points at Russell again.

"You won't let her kill me," Russell says darkly, looking at James, and then Kaia. "You know why."

Clarke's blood goes cold.

"Ah... you haven't told her..." Russell murmurs, and Clarke shoots him in the leg. Exclamations of her name erupt through the hall.

"Clarke..." Kaia says from behind her, and Clarke feels the tip of a needle touch her neck.

Clarke leans away and grabs the syringe, shoving it into Kaia's neck. James yells in rage, and she hears Russell laugh quietly.

"Knock him out," Clarke says to James, before running to Madi.

"Clarke..." Bellamy breathes, turning his tear-streaked face to her.

_She was with you._

"Leave," Clarke says, holding her hand to the bullet wound in Madi's thigh.

"Clarke-"

"I said,  _leave."_

"Clarke, is she-?"

 _"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT!"_ she screams at Bellamy.  _"She was with you!"_

"Clarke, I-"

Clarke shoves him away with one hand, cradles Madi's body with another.

"Madi," she begs. "Madi, wake up."

Madi doesn't open her eyes.

Clarke presses her fingers against Madi's pulse. It's there, erratic and weak.

Echo and Murphy crawl over to her.

 _"Beja ge up, ai strik natblida,"_ Clarke whispers, cradling Madi's head with her bloody hand.  _"Beja, beja, beja..."_

_Get up, my little nightblood. Please..._

Clarke waits for Madi's eyes to open, for Madi's laugh, for Madi's smile, for Madi to wake up and tell her she's okay.

Clarke waits for a moment that never comes.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tired so this chapter turned out really lame and awful also read the interstellar au it's gr8


	24. When They Do, I'll Be Right Behind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke faces the aftermath of her choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry bout the last chapter... i think it's safe to say we're in the endgame now  
> Also this is a weird chapter

 She can hear their voices calling out for her, uniting in one constant plea of _Clarke, Clarke, Clarke._

"We have to help her," Clarke murmurs, her visibility disappearing behind a cloud of tears. "We have to-"

_"Clarke!"_

Madi's voice calls out to her, but Madi's also unconscious in her arms.

"Madi?"

* * *

 Her body hits the floor.

"When have humans gotten far without losing their humanity?"

Victoria stands over her, a sad smile on her face.

"You're dead," Clarke murmurs. "I thought-"

_My greatest fear._

"You're dead," Clarke says again, but it's not a question nor a doubt; it's a threat, one Clarke fully intends to act on as she launches herself to her feet.

Victoria puts her knife back in the pocket of her dress.

"I don't want to hurt you, Clarke," Victoria says, and Clarke feels completely frozen, images of what Victoria made her see floating hazily through her mind. "I know you're here to kill me. You won't, but I don't want to hurt you."

"But you did," Clarke says, still rooted to the spot. Why is she wasting so much time?

_Kill her._

_Kill her._

_Kill her kill her kill her kill her KILL HER!_

"You were trying to draw me out from the group," Clarke says, scrambling to regain her composure. "Why do you still want me alive?"

"Benji doesn't."

"And Russell does?"

"No, Clarke. I do."

Clarke laughs.

Real laughter, bubbling from her lips.

Clarke backs away.

"You...?" Clarke murmurs, her knife coming up again. "What do you want from me?"

"Clarke, I just want you to be with m- us," Victoria says, and Clarke can tell she's struggling to find the right words. "If you just listen to me, I promise you won't get hurt again."

"That's great, Victoria," Clarke drawls. "But it's not really about me anymore."

It's lucky Clarke has quick reflexes, because Victoria's spinning and the knife is flying toward Clarke's shoulder.

"Thought you said you didn't want to hurt me," Clarke heaves, dodging it with ease.

"She was obviously lying." 

Clarke and Victoria both turn their heads.

Kaia and Murphy stand there, towers of red and white, Murphy with a gun at the ready and Kaia with a steely glare.

"Alex," Victoria says. "What a pleasant-"

Clarke turns around and hits Victoria in the head with the hilt of her knife, and Victoria stumbles back.

 _"Clarke,"_ Kaia warns.

"You were right, Victoria," Clarke says, swiping her knife across Victoria's gut. "We are here to kill you."

"Clarke, stop," Murphy says.

"This is what you want, isn't it?" Clarke yells, her knife flying through the air. 

She lunges again, but her body freezes, and Clarke can't move a muscle.

"We'll take it from here," Kaia says, walking past her.

"Kaia," Murphy murmurs. "Let her go."

"Listen, John," Kaia says, holding both Victoria and Clarke in place now. "Clarke's going to make a mess. She wants vengeance. We need to do this undetected."

Clarke would scream at her if she wasn't frozen, her eyes the only thing that can move. Murphy shoots her a sympathetic look, but Clarke can tell he agrees.

Why is Clarke really so eager to cause a commotion now?

She remembers the image of Madi bleeding out in her arms, Victoria's hand brushing Bellamy's curls away, Victoria standing next to Benji, Victoria and her bloodstained hands.

_You're better than this, Clarke._

She is; she really believes it.

So why?

True, Clarke has many questions; Kaia's insane urge to rush into taking Benji down, Victoria's motives.

But her mind pushes for the answer to one question.

Why is she doing this?

_The answer is simple, Clarke. I can show you if you'd like me to._

The force holding Clarke in place falls away, and Clarke falls too, her body slamming into the ground.

_Let me in, Clarke._

_Let me fix you._

She hears screaming, and on some dim, detached level, she can understand that it's Victoria, her screams being cut short and then beginning again as Kaia does whatever she's doing. Murphy kneels in front of Clarke, saying her name.

_You know it was safer when you just went along with me._

"Russell," Clarke breathes, and she's crying, her head hurts so much. "He's here. In... here..."

Clarke grabs Murphy's hand and holds it to her own.

"Clarke? What- Clarke!"

Clarke pushes herself to her feet using her hands.

_Clarke?_

"Break the cycle," Clarke murmurs to herself. "Break the cycle."

Through her red-tinged vision, she can see Kaia behind Victoria, Kaia's arm banded across Victoria's neck. They fight, they wage a war that rages on before Clarke's eyes. 

"Clarke!" Murphy calls.

They fight some more in the time it takes Clarke to reach them at the other end of the hall, throwing and dodging punches.

Murphy grabs her shoulder, and Clarke shoves him back, pulling her knife out and pointing it at his face.

"Clarke, what the fuck?"

"I'm sorry," she says tonelessly. "I'm sorry."

Clarke whirls around, and the blade finds flesh.

Just where Clarke intended.

* * *

 

Kaia releases Victoria.

Victoria's dead before she even hits the ground, blood pouring from her neck.

"Clarke..." Kaia breathes, a syringe in her hand.

_Good, Clarke. I always knew you'd do what I needed you to do in the end._

"No," Clarke breathes, and it's like surfacing from an icy ocean, everything coming back into extreme focus, and her mind is shattering into pieces. "No... no, what did I do...?"

Clarke grabs the wall for support, big tears of blood spilling from her eyes, her mouth, her nose, her mouth.

_You just solved another growing problem for me._

_"GET OUT!"_ Clarke screams, and everything is repeating itself, Clarke screaming to be released from Russell's vicelike grip on her mind.

"We need to get her out of here!" Murphy snaps at Kaia, who is currently trying to clean up all the blood with a mop she got from a nearby closet.

"Not without Russell!"

Russell.

Clarke is aware that this will cost her, that she could very well die because of what she will do.

She almost laughs as she wipes blood away from her eyes, at the fact that she never really had any power against Russell at all.

"I've got him," Clarke groans, still leaning against the wall. "I've got him."

And in her mind, she pictures a door opening in front of her, wind and light rushing in. She opens her mind, she lets herself be swept away by the river.

* * *

_She's blind._

_The light warms her, in a strange limbo between comfort and discomfort._

_And yet, at the same time, she feels so, so cold._

_She raises a glowing, unscarred hand to her face, feels it burning. A fever. And yet she feels no pain._

_"Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, I'll come for you."_

_"Russell," Clarke greets, still unable to see nothing._

_Maybe, if she concentrates, she can hear Murphy's and Kaia's voice from very far away, muffled as if she's underwater._

_Or, she can feel the cold floor of the hallway as her body collides with it again._

_But she lets herself focus on Russell, his voice pouring through her mind, spouting some bullshit about the right choices, doing bad things for a good reason, apologizing for having a plan to hurt her friends._

_She wants to just listen to him, give in to the sheer comfort that he's providing right now._

_No._

_She squints through the light, and can barely see an endless white platform._

_She imagines a wall rising up in front of her._

_She thinks she can hear Bellamy and Madi's voices join Murphy's and Kaia's._

_The wall is like the impenetrable walls of the Ark, shielding her from Russell's voice until it becomes a blank, persistent mutter._

_Clarke will find him._

_But how?_

_Just think._

_But how?_

_She doesn't even know what this is- some sort of fever dream? A hallucination?_

_How can she manipulate a hallucination?_

_Clarke thinks, staring hard at the dark wall in front of her, the light blinding her a little less._

_The wall._

_She thought of it, and it just... became._

_But how can she do that with a location?_

_Think, Clarke, she tells herself._

_Think._

_Work backwards._

_How would she even be here right now?_

_Think._

_A connection._

_How would she even see a connection?_

_A string._

_Clarke looks down at her wrist, and sees a thin, blue string wrapped around it, leading through a crack that has appeared in the wall._

_The wall cracks more and falls apart, and Russell's voice, still talking, comes back with the force of a strike of lightning._

_Clarke's wrist shakes as she walks past the rubble._

_She tries to keep her mind devoid of any thought or emotion, except for the silent mission to follow the string._

_Follow the string._

_And suddenly, with a fresh yet familiar burst of pain, she sees something._

_The ballroom._

_A curving set of stairs leading up, at the very back of the room._

_And there Russell stands, at the top of the stairs, a string tied to his wrist._

* * *

The voices get louder.

Murphy's hands on her shoulders, Bellamy's fingers caressing her face, and the others, calling, calling, calling her name.

And in a dazzling moment of clarity, she speaks.

"There's a set of stairs at the back of the ballroom," she says, and she smiles a little, even though she can feel blood streaming down her face, blood everywhere from her fight with Victoria.

"Clarke, shh, you're okay," Bellamy begins.

"Shut up, Bellamy," she breathes. "Let me finish."

There's silence.

"The stairs," she continues. "He's there. At the top."

"Clarke, are you sure?" Kaia asks.

"Yeah," she breathes, and she's slipping back into the light. "Go."

"Clarke..." Bellamy says, lost.

"Go," she commands again, and instead of the light, she's now slipping into the cold darkness, a flash of pain igniting her bones before going out completely.

* * *

_Her footsteps are loud in the deserted corridor, but she doesn't particularly mind; it reminds her that she's not all alone on the station._

_Someone grabs her shoulder from behind, and she turns to see Bellamy, his straight, short hair a little untidier than usual, but looking endearingly pleased with himself in his faded blue and white baseball shirt._

_"Hi," he says, grinning from ear to ear._

_"Hey," Clarke responds, matching his smile. "No cadet duties today?"_

_"I got a night off. Don't want to miss my best friend's birthday."_

_"Bell, you try-hard."_

_"Don't you like it?" he asks, looping an arm around her shoulders and walking with her._

_"Yeah, yeah, it's great," Clarke says with a smile, really, really trying not to notice the strain of his muscles underneath his shirt. Bellamy's still in a bit of a limbo between boyish lankiness and having grown fully (and extremely attractively, but not that it matters to Clarke) into the man he'd become._

_Bellamy just smiles. "You're too serious for a seventeen-year-old," he says, bumping his hip into hers._

_"And you're too bubbly for nineteen."_

_"Am not," he protests, still smiling like a complete fool._

_"I guess," Clarke concedes. "It's just now. What's up?"_

_"I'm just happy," Bellamy says vaguely. "It's your birthday."_

_"You're happy that I'm a year closer to death?" Clarke asks, and she's aware that she's probably also smiling like an idiot._

_"Well, my mom's better," Bellamy says._

_"Seriously?" Clarke asks, and her smile grows, if possible. "That's great news!"_

_"Yeah..." he trails off, looking at her. They've stopped in front of a viewing window, and Clarke turns her head to the stars._

_"Do you think Octavia could ever get out?" Clarke asks, trying not to imagine Bellamy's freckles._

_"The dance was a close call," Bellamy says quietly, his arm falling limply to his side. Clarke reaches out and takes his hand._

_The thing is, Bellamy's only ever this vulnerable and thoughtful around her, and Bellamy's one of the few people that Clarke's voluntarily physical with, one of the few she trusts._

_"It'll all work out in the end. Somehow," Clarke says, giving his hand a squeeze, and then ever so gently brushing her fingers over his knuckles._

_Bellamy tenses for a second, and Clarke's afraid she's done something wrong, until he relaxes again._

_He tilts his head towards the planet. "You think we could ever go down there?"_

_"I don't know," Clarke murmurs, and she remembers the trees and flowers she saw in her textbooks and sketched on all the paper she could find._

_Bellamy's fingers start to play with hers, brushing her palms and tracing her knuckles. It's a nervous gesture, but it makes Clarke feel an odd sort of flutter in her gut._

_Not that it's particularly unfamiliar; she's been a little stupidly in love with him for a while._

_"Bellamy," Clarke murmurs, when his fingers touch her pulse point. He immediately stops and looks at her, sheepish._

_"Sorry," he says, as Clarke turns to face him._

_"Don't be," she says, and she stands on her toes to kiss him gently, softly._

_Bellamy smiles, and kisses her back, just as soft, but ten times more lovingly, his fingers coming to cup her jaw._

_I'm safe, she thinks, as she puts her head on his chest and hugs him tightly._

_I'm safe._

 

 


	25. So Glad We've Almost Made It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is suspended in between life and death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also a weird chapter because I just LOVE writing dreams because in case you haven't noticed, I always put tiny little aus in them and also ANGST  
> have an annoyingly long chapter

_He pulls away and takes her away from the window, down the corridor, and Clarke has no idea what he's doing, but decides to go with it._

_"Bell, this is the cafeteria," Clarke says, when they finally stop._

_He nods with a grin, and holds a key card up to the door._

_"How did you get...?" she trails off, as Bellamy pulls her into the room._

_"Don't worry about it," he declares cheekily as he releases her hand and jogs over to a table with a small box on it. "Nate and his dad were in on it, so we're fine."_

_Clarke rolls her eyes and joins him at the table. "Are you going to tell me what this is?"_

_Bellamy opens the box, and reveals a small slice of cake inside. Clarke's dad had gotten her cake today, but she's definitely going to eat the cake Bellamy has gotten for her._

_"Is this for me?" she asks stupidly._

_"No, it's for me," he replies, poking her nose._

_Clarke smiles, feeling so content and so lost for words at the same time. Bellamy picks up the slice of cake and breaks off a piece. Clarke automatically opens her mouth, having done this millions of times before with Bellamy. He tries to toss the piece into her mouth, but accidentally hits the corner of her mouth, and Clarke's hands surge up to catch the cake._

_"You and your inhuman reflexes," he complains, using his thumb to brush crumbs away from her mouth. Clarke smiles a little, and his thumb moves to her lip._

_She remembers the kiss, and smiles a little wider._

_"Okay, but seriously, here," Bellamy says, cupping her chin with one hand and properly feeding her the cake with the other. Clarke takes the rest of the cake from his hands and feeds him some too, making sure not to get crumbs on his face._

_"It's not my birthday," he says, but he's still smiling._

_"I mean, it is in a month," Clarke concedes, finishing off the cake in one bite._

_"Celebrating my birthday a month early on your birthday?" Bellamy asks with a laugh, and Clarke finds herself laughing along._

_She looks down at her watch and stifles a gasp. "Oh, god, my mom's going to kill me if she finds out I was out this late."_

_"Yeah," Bellamy agrees. "What were you even doing out there in the corridor so late?"_

_"Just taking a walk," Clarke says, and she's not lying; she does like to walk around the Ark late at night._

_Bellamy rolls his eyes so intensely Clarke feels they'll fall right out of his head. "Rebel Princess," he says._

_"Whatever," Clarke mutters, as they slip out of the cafeteria, Bellamy discarding the box in the trash as they exit._

_"Want me to walk you back to your place?" Bellamy asks, taking her hand._

_"I'd like that," Clarke says. "But you probably shouldn't."_

_Bellamy just smiles, a little sadly, and nods. "You'll be okay?"_

_"Yeah," Clarke murmurs, and leans up to kiss Bellamy on the cheek. She's kissed Bellamy there before, but after their kiss earlier, it feels different._

_"Happy birthday," he says, and releases her hand._

_Clarke walks back to her quarters with a warm feeling in her chest._

* * *

"And if she fucking dies?"

"Bellamy, we're doing everything we can."

"No,  _Abby's_ doing everything she can. If Clarke dies, Kaia, it's on you. You're the one who rushed into this, who insisted Madi lead this mission, and therefore got Clarke involved as well. She did this for you, and if she dies because of it, it's your fault."

But she's alive.

She wants to tell Bellamy that, but she's tugged back towards darkness.

* * *

_Between Bellamy's cadet duties and taking care of Octavia during her more restless days, Clarke barely sees him after her birthday, their contact reduced simply to smiles in the hallway, and most days, not seeing each other at all._

_Her father is floated a couple months later, and Ark guards come to take her too, for aiding Jake Griffin in spreading government secrets._

_"Stop," Abby Griffin says. "I'll vouch for her. Thelonious will know."_

_After much arguing, the guards release Clarke, and when Abby tries to comfort her, Clarke storms out of the quarters, a hurricane of pain and anger._

_She walks right into someone, and looks up to see a concerned face, messy dark hair, and freckles, so many freckles._

_"Clarke," Bellamy says. "Clarke, I'm so-"_

_"Don't say you're sorry," Clarke says quietly, tears pouring down her face. He's wearing his uniform, and suddenly all she can remember are those guards standing there when the airlock opened, and her dad was lost forever._

_Clarke takes a step back, her vision mercifully blurred by tears._

_"No, Clarke, it's okay, I'm here," and suddenly she's being crushed into his chest. Her face hurts from being pressed against the hard armor of his uniform, but she just doesn't care anymore, and she lets herself fall apart in her best friend's arms._

_"Clarke," Bellamy says gently after a few minutes. "I'm sorry, but I have to go..."_

_Clarke releases him and steps back, sunlight momentarily illuminating Bellamy's outline, a solid figure against a burst of gold._

_"Okay," Clarke says, violently wiping her tears away. "Okay."_

_Bellamy turns and starts to walk away, and then he turns back. "Hey, Clarke?"_

_"What?"_

_"Remember that viewing window we were at for your birthday?" Bellamy asks._

_"Yeah," Clarke says, not understanding why he's asking her about that at a time like this._

_"Meet me there," he says. "Tonight. Twenty-two hundred hours."_

_Clarke swallows and nods, not moving from her spot until Bellamy has disappeared around the curved corner of the corridor._

* * *

"She's seizing!"

"Jackson, get me more morphine!"

"Abby, she's starting to wake up now! There's no time-"

"Then go get it as fast as you can."

Black blood dribbles from her mouth, and she's roughly turned on her side.

"Heart rate is skyrocketing-!"

Machine beeps are speeding up, and it makes Clarke's head hurt even more.

"Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god-!"

_"RESTRAIN HER!"_

She's pushed onto her back again.

Something metal clamps down on Clarke's ankles and wrists, and her eyes snap open, immediately rolling back into her head.

"Jackson, sedate her!"

"Abby, she won't be still-"

Her whole body is shaking, convulsing, and everything just hurts so much.

"I'll hold her down!"

Something sharp is jammed into her neck, and Clarke's body goes limp.

* * *

_He's already at the window when she arrives with a bleeding lip and split knuckles._

_"Holy shit, what happened to you?" Bellamy asks, rolling his sleeves up and wiping blood away from the corner of her mouth._

_"I got in a fight with Wells," she says tersely._

_"Wells did this to you?"_

_"The guards did, and I attacked them," she mutters, staring blankly out the window._

_"Fuck, how were you not arrested?" Bellamy asks, taking her hands._

_"Mom and Jaha keep making exceptions for me. Ark Princess," she says bitterly._

_"Clarke, are you trying to get yourself arrested?" Bellamy asks, stroking a bruise on her cheekbone._

_"Maybe I am!" she hisses, then immediately feels guilty. "I'm sorry."_

_Bellamy sighs and laces his fingers with hers, and raises her hand to his face so he can lightly kiss her knuckles. "You need to be more careful," he says, his lips still pressed against her hand and his brow creased with worry.  
_

_"Bellamy, I don't want-"_

_"They won't make exceptions for you forever, Clarke," he says, closing his eyes._

_"I don't even want them to make an exception in the first place! God, I just want to be floated-"_

_Bellamy's eyes snap open._

_"And maybe then everything would be okay for me, and I could just be with-"_

_"But what about me?" Bellamy asks in a small voice, and suddenly Clarke remembers the tall, gangly fourteen-year-old, crying as her twelve-year-old self stumbled upon him in a deserted Ark corridor back when she'd snuck into Mecha Station as a child._

_"What do you mean?" she asks._

_"What will I do if my best friend is dead?"_

_"You have Nate. You have Octavia."_

_He shakes his head angrily. "Don't say that, Clarke Griffin, don't you dare-"_

_"You can live without me!" she snaps._

_"No!" he replies, equally agitated. "I can't!"_

_Clarke freezes._

_"I..." he starts. "I feel..."_

_"Of course you fucking feel, we all do!" Clarke mutters, her patience diminishing._

_"I LOVE YOU!" he yells, and a tear slips down his cheek. It breaks Clarke's heart to see him cry. He speaks again, softer. "I'm in love with you."_

_Clarke sniffles. "You shouldn't be."_

_"It doesn't matter!" he exclaims. "I love you and I can't-" Bellamy's voice cracks a little. "I can't do this without you."_

_Clarke is silent._

_"Promise me you won't do anything dangerous, or try to get yourself arrested," Bellamy pleads, his hands coming up to cup her face. "Promise."_

_"Bellamy-"_

_"Please, just promise me!"_

_Clarke raises her hands and sets them on top of Bellamy's and she starts to sob, her ribs hurting from the sheer pain of keeping them in for so long._

_"Promise," he demands between his own tears, pulling her close to him. "Promise me."_

_"I promise," she says, shaking in his arms. Bellamy's presence has always comforted her, but she feels like she's falling, spinning and spiraling away and down into a dark void. "I promise."_

* * *

 "She'll be okay, Bellamy."

"Echo, I've heard that a million times over the past couple weeks. Do you see her, guys? Is she  _fucking_ okay?"

"Bellamy," Murphy says gently. "It's kind of impossible for Clarke to die."

"Don't joke, John," Emori chides.

"She did this to herself for us. What if it means nothing?" Bellamy asks, and Clarke can almost feel his fingers caressing her face.

"What do you mean?" Raven asks. "We have Russell. Victoria's dead."

"Russell isn't even cooperating-"

"Shut the fuck up! You're going to wake her!"

She needs to tell them that she's awake, that she's alive, that she's-

Okay?

Is she okay?

"She's not waking up, Murphy," Bellamy says brokenly. "She may never wake up again."

* * *

_Wells stops trying to interact with her._

_Clarke draws away from everyone, laser-focused on her medic internship._

_She hasn't seen Bellamy in weeks._

_It's a late Wednesday evening when it happens._

_"Thelonius, if she ever finds out-" Abby says, as Clarke is about to round the hallway in their quarters and go to the kitchen._

_"Abby, she deserves to know the truth," Jaha says, and Clarke remembers his pensive face as her father was killed._

_Clarke quietly collapses against the wall._

_"If she ever finds out I'm the one who turned Jake in..." Abby trails off, and Clarke freezes, her blood turning to ice in her veins._

_"She'll forgive you," Jaha says gently. "She's your daughter."_

_"It will break her," Abby says. "It will affect her duties-"_

_"So that's what it's about," Clarke says, stepping into the light of the living room. "My duties?"_

_Jaha and Abby stare at her in disbelief._

_"Clarke, honey-" Abby starts, walking over to her._

_"Don't fucking 'honey' me!" Clarke snaps, walking past her. She hears Abby inhale sharply at her language, and Clarke grabs her hoodie, the one she'd stolen from Bellamy years earlier, and walks out the door._

_"Don't follow me," Clarke adds, before slamming the door._

_She walks all the way to the other side of Ark Station before she lets the tears fall._

_"Clarke?" a voice asks, and she turns._

_"Wells," she murmurs, and she sprints into his arms, sobbing as she does so._

_"You found out," he murmurs into her hair._

_"I'm so sorry," she says. "I'm so, so sorry."_

_"It wasn't your fault, Griffin."_

_"You let me hate you?" she asks, drawing back and shoving his chest lightly. "Why?"_

_"You love your mom. And I love you," he says simply, and Clarke laughs through her tears. "Brother from another mother duties."_

_Clarke hugs him tightly, still sobbing. "You'd let your sister from another mister hate you?" she asks, hoping their little inside joke will make her feel better, but it doesn't._

_"I'm sorry I lied to you," Wells says quietly. "I just didn't want you to get hurt. I mean, you'd be hurt either way, but you would be hurt less if you thought it was me..."_

_Clarke cries harder than she has in a long, long time, and even the feel of having her best friend near her, she feels like she's lost absolutely everything._

* * *

 

"Bellamy, wake up. You fell asleep on Clarke's hand."

"Is it morning?"

"No, but I have news."

"Is it good news, Raven?"

"Up to you."

"Get to the point."

"We have a location on Benji's lab."

"And the bad news?"

"Bellamy, I never said-"

"I know there's bad news, so just get to it."

"There isn't any more news."

"You woke me up to tell me this, you couldn't have waited until morning?"

Clarke feels his cheek settle on her hand again.

"Bellamy, we're all worried about you. You should go back to the cabin."

"Well, I'm worried about her more, Raven. And I  _am_ resting; didn't you see me sleeping?"

"You fall asleep hunched over using Clarke's hand as a pillow. You'll have more back problems than what's expected for your age."

"I'm twenty-seven."

"Not really. Please, Bellamy, seriously. I know you want to be there for her, but you need to go back and rest for a while."

"No, Raven!"

A deep breath, and then tears fall on Clarke's hand. She longs to move her fingers to wipe her Bellamy's tears away, but she can't do anything except float underneath the surface of the sea she drowns in.

"I can't go back there, Raven. I'll just..."

"Bellamy..."

"I want to be here. Don't try to change my mind."

"Bellamy, you said it yourself, she may never wake-"

"Then I want to be there for her if she..."

What?

If she dies?

She doesn't want to die, really.

But she never wants to wake up again.

* * *

_Clarke tries to avoid looking in the mirror after she takes her shower, too afraid to see the ghost that will inevitably be there. Colorless hair falling past her hunched shoulders, blank eyes staring at nothing in particular._

_She'd never really believed that she could hate her life, but here she is._

_Her mother tries to intercept her on her way out the door, but she just ignores her and slams the door in her face._

_It's late in the evening, and Clarke really doesn't know why she's even out here. So she just sighs, and goes to her usual viewing window._

_The Earth glows below her, looking deceptively harmless as it spins._

_"I wish I burned with you," she murmurs against the window, and stays there for a long time until someone touches her shoulder._

_"Princess?"_

_"Bellamy," she says, still staring out the window._

_"Clarke," he says. "Talk to me."_

_"I am."_

_"No, you're not," and Clarke is gently turned so she faces him. She just stares at a freckle under his right eye, imagining lines on his face and connecting his freckles in constellations._

_"Clarke. Look at me."_

_Her eyes shift to his._

_"My mother turned him in," she says. "Not Wells. My mother did it."_

_Bellamy's mouth parts slightly in shock. "God, Clarke, that's... that's fucking awful..."_

_Clarke says nothing._

_"Hey," he says, putting a hand on her shoulder. "What can I do?"_

_Clarke swallows. "I don't know."_

_Bellamy looks out the window, deep in contemplation for a second, before he takes her hand and starts to pull her somewhere._

_"Bellamy, what-?"_

_"Don't worry about it," he says, and he takes her to the art studio just a few corridors away._

_"Bell, you don't even live on Ark Station and somehow you know where everything is."_

_"I got the whole place memorized from all my visits to you," he replies, pulling her into the deserted room. "Do you want to do something in here."_

_Clarke stares at the paints and the pencils and papers and the easels, and gets an idea._

_"Yeah," she says. "I do, actually."_

* * *

"This is not the first time! Sedate her!"

Clarke is turned on her side, and blood explodes from her mouth.

Her body is on fire.

She'd scream if she could.

"Bellamy," she tries to say, but her mouth won't open, her eyes won't open, and it's like she's experiencing the pain but not, half in her body and half in a dream. She still floats just below the surface of the ocean, pain being the only thing she can feel in full force.

The needle slides into her neck, a little more gently than last time.

As she has the sensation of falling down a long, dark tunnel, Clarke finds herself hoping that this is the last time, that she's gone for good.

She hopes her heart will stop and her chest will no longer rise and fall with breath and she will finally,  _finally,_ be free of the mess she's made.

Clarke falls, and she welcomes the darkness.

* * *

_"What's another one?" she asks, dipping the thin brush into the paint._

_"Uh..." Bellamy trails off, thinking. "Ooh. Did you do Ursa Major yet?"_

_Clarke scans his face, her eyes hovering over the constellations she's drawn. "Nope. But I changed my mind. You have enough."_

_"I thought you intended to cover my whole face in constellations."_

_"It ruins the aesthetic," Clarke says, touching the paintbrush to his nose._

_"Thanks for the extra freckle," Bellamy says, poking Clarke's own nose. She just watches him, the thin, almost unnoticeable lines spreading across his golden face._

_"I love you," she says quietly. "I didn't tell you before."_

_Bellamy goes still, and Clarke fears that Bellamy's confession of him loving her was just a way to get her to stop talking at the time._

_But then he smiles. "And I love you."_

_"Bellamy," Clarke begins, tears filling her eyes._

_"I'm here," he murmurs, and he leans forward to gently capture her bottom lip in between his own. "I'm here."_

_Bellamy Blake is a really fucking good kisser._

_Clarke leans forward and kisses him a little harder, tears still falling down her face. "I'm glad you are," she says, pulling away._

_"I am, too."_

* * *

"What will you do? If she doesn't... you know?"

"Damn it, Echo, I don't know," Bellamy says, sounding like he's been crying for a long time.

"We should..." Murphy begins, and then sniffs. "We should bury her."

Bellamy's grip on Clarke's hand tightens, as if the thought of her death is a void that he's trying not to fall into.

 _Bellamy,_ she thinks, and she almost finishes her thought before everything disappears again.

* * *

_"Hey, Wells?" she asks._

_"Yuh?" he asks, swallowing his food with some difficulty._

_"You're the best, you know?"_

_"Okay, so I get you're all sappy because you had sex with Bellamy-"_

_"Wells!" Clarke gasps, looking around. "Not here!"_

_"Whatever," he says grinning. "But still. Where's this coming from?"_

_"You're just the best, Wells."_

_"Yeah, I know, you didn't have to tell me."_

_Clarke laughs, her face still red from his earlier comment._

_"Clarke...?" Wells asks in a teasing voice._

_"Fine, I'm happy because of Bellamy."_

_"Because you did Bellamy."_

_"Shut up, Wells."_

_"What happened to me being the best?"_

_Clarke throws a pea at him, which he easily catches in his mouth._

_"I wasn't lying, you know," Clarke says, smiling. "You are the best. My best friend. You're the best."_

* * *

Clarke rises into the real world screaming herself hoarse, even the dim lights in the room making her eyes hurt.

He was here.

He was just here, smiling at her across the table, the lights of the Ark illuminating his face.

Hands are on her shoulders, coming up to cup her face, telling her it's okay, it's okay, Clarke, you're safe.

"Wells," she says, looking into Bellamy's eyes, and it all hits her at once, and for a second she just looks at him, his hair curly instead of straight, the lively glint in his eyes long gone.

"Wells is gone," she murmurs, shaking, her hands clutching the sheets.

 _"ABBY!"_ Bellamy screams toward the door, taking her hand.

"Wells is gone," Clarke repeats, falling back onto the bed, remembering where she is, the cold, cold reality washing over her.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i miss wells :(


	26. So Sad They Had To Fade It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a long overdue conversation with Kaia about loyalties and choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm bad at trigedasleng :)

"How long?" Clarke asks, staring at the wall.

"Eight weeks," Kaia says quietly. "It's been eight weeks."

Clarke swallows, remembering the bright, familiar lights of the Ark, drawing constellations on Bellamy's face, smiling at Wells. Eight weeks was just a little less than the amount of time she spent on the Ark... or the dream of it, anyway.

"Russell?" Clarke asks, meeting Kaia's eyes.

"On trial at Eligius," Kaia says gently.

"Why did you rush?" Clarke asks after a moment of silence.

Kaia freezes, her fingers wound tightly in her dark hair.

Clarke looks at her expectantly.

"I never do anything without a plan, Clarke," Kaia says, but her voice is oddly choked with emotion.

"Even this?" Clarke asks, clutching the blankets.

"Even this," she agrees, sighing. "But I..."

Kaia trails off, and suddenly, to Clarke, she looks about a thousand years old, a blade forged in so much  _sorrow._

"Will was killed," Kaia says, and because Clarke hadn't known him, she's not sure how to react.

But she can tell it hurts Kaia to just say those words.

"He, uh, he came to rescue me," Kaia says, looking away, her voice cracking a little. "He died, so I could escape."

Kaia sniffles.

"I was... his hand was touching mine and..."

There's silence for a long time.

"He took a bullet to the back and one to the head," she murmurs, her eyes blank as if that's the only thing she sees. 

Clarke looks down.

"I planned it all out, but it was rushed. And I'm sorry," Kaia says, taking Clarke's hand, and she's crying now.

A part of Clarke doesn't want to forgive Kaia, doesn't want to forgive anyone.

She remembers Wells, remembers standing by his grave back on Earth.

So Clarke takes Kaia's fingers within her own, and forgives her.

"I'm sorry you couldn't trust me," Kaia murmurs. "I'm sorry if you still can't."

Clarke swallows and nods.

"I was so angry," Kaia says. "That I couldn't save him."

Clarke nods, remembering Wells in more vivid detail, his warm brown eyes and his laugh, and his bright smile.

"They told us that time heals all wounds," Kaia says, wiping her tears away. "Indra tells me that a warrior doesn't mourn until the war is over."

Clarke remembers the effect that phrase had on Octavia and swallows. 

"He killed my mother and father in front of me," Kaia murmurs, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. "And I thought he killed Dylan."

Kaia swallows, and looks at Clarke.

"It got better sometimes," Kaia admits, and Clarke can see that, but judging by the lost, haunted look in Kaia's eyes, the small things weren't enough. "But I guess some wounds just never heal."

* * *

 

"Hey," Bellamy says quietly, slipping into her room.

Clarke just nods and offers him a tight smile; her head is aching like hell again.

Bellamy comes and sits in the chair next to her bed, the one he's occupied for a long time. 

They sit in comfortable silence until Bellamy speaks again.

"Did you dream?"

Clarke's eyes open, her drowsiness fading.

"What?" she asks.

"Did you dream? When you were asleep?"

_The birthday cake._

_The kiss._

_Her dad._

_Bleeding lips and split knuckles._

_Constellations drawn across a sea of freckles._

_Messy black hair._

_Lips skimming her jaw, every curve and line of her body._

_Bellamy's laugh, Bellamy's tears._

_Wells..._

_Wells smiling at her across a table._

"Yes," she breathes, as she relives it all over again, seeing not the lights of the med room, but the lights lining the corridors of the Ark.

Bellamy looks at her, takes her hand. "You dreamed about Wells?" Bellamy asks, brushing his fingers over her hands.

She doesn't intend to break down; she really doesn't.

But she opens her mouth to say yes, and then she's sobbing, remembering not only her dream but just him in general, his concerned look whenever she spaced out, hugging him so tightly in the forest.

"Hey, hey," Bellamy says, moving forward to sit on the bed and wrap her in a hug. 

"He should be here," Clarke whimpers. "He shouldn't fucking be  _dead."_

Bellamy's hands cradle the back of her head, and Clarke feels his tears on her collarbone.

_Do you remember it, Bellamy?_

_Do you remember the way Charlotte just fell?_

_Do you remember the graves outside the dropship camp?_

He obviously does.

They stay in each other's arms long after they start crying, and when Clarke's tears go, her physical pain comes back, as if it was on pause just for her mental pain to fill in.

Clarke leans back. "You were in my dream, too."

"I was?"

"We were... we were on the Ark..." Clarke begins.

Bellamy nods, biting his lip and looking at her.

"I'd known you for a while," Clarke continues. "You were one of my best friends, other than..."

"Clarke," Bellamy says, caressing her cheek with his fingers. "You don't have to."

"Shut- shush. I need to."

A faint hint of a sad grin flits across Bellamy's face, and he leans back.

"It was the night of my seventeenth birthday..." Clarke begins, and she tells him everything, simplifying the more...  _intense_ segments of it (really only the reason Wells was teasing her when the dream ended), but letting the words spill from her just the same.

Bellamy sits in silence for all of it, smiling when she tells him about the constellations. When she finishes, he leans forward, and gently, so, so gently, kisses her.

It's the first time they've kissed since the night they'd spent in their cabin together before everything went to hell, and Clarke blushes at the memory.

"I love you," he breathes against her skin. "I love you."

Clarke swallows, trying to hold back tears. "I love you, too."

It feels like too much and not enough at the same time, sitting here, near him, kissing him, being able to tell him how much she loves him.

She feels, she knows that it will all be torn away from her.

Maybe she's lying dead in a dropship.

Still hallucinating in Mount Weather.

Seeing a long life that ALIE calculated for her.

Her body still burnt in broken in Becca's lab.

Maybe, god, just maybe, she's passed out on the Ring, and they'll get oxygen and she'll wake up and everything might be okay either way.

_This is reality, Clarke._

Clarke starts to choke.

"Bellamy?" she asks, wiping blood away from her eyes with a shaking hand, and god, she's never seen him so scared in his life.

"No, no, no, Clarke!  _ABBY!"_ he screams, holding her, wiping the blood away, until his hands are almost completely stained with black. He seizes a metal tub and shoves her onto her side, stroking her shoulder.

"It's okay," he murmurs, and Clarke has the sensation of falling down a long, dark tunnel, the world spinning and rising away until there's nothing.

* * *

_"Wells," she breathes, and she runs into his waiting arms, the forest glowing brightly around her._

_"Hey," he says, rocking side to side on his feet, guiding Clarke in that motion as well as they hug._

_"I fucking hate you," Clarke says, crying._

_"Ow."_

_She pulls back. "Why'd you have to fucking die?"_

_Wells puts his hands on her shoulders, his dark brown eyes eternally sad. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I'm sorry."_

* * *

 

_"I'm sorry for lying to you," Finn murmurs as he settles on the couch next to her. He takes in Becca's lab, his face lighting up with wonder, and though Clarke doesn't really have feelings for him anymore, the sight warms her heart in a way that also breaks it._

_"So," he continues. "Big, bad apocalypse returning for a second act?"_

_"Naturally," Clarke mutters, staring blankly at the wall. "Grounders, Mount Weather, ALIE, and apparently that wasn't enough for us."_

_"ALIE?" Finn asks, turning to her with a confused look._

_"Don't worry about it."_

_They sit in silence for a long time._

_"How's... how's Raven?" Finn asks, clearing his throat awkwardly._

_"Coping," Clarke replies. "We all are."_

_"Hmm," Finn replies, nodding in thought. "You and Bellamy...?"_

_"Finn."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be," Clarke says, and suddenly, she's just_ _so damn tired, she almost collapses._

_"Clarke," Finn says quietly. "You know I loved you, right?"_

_"I know..." Clarke murmurs. "That's why you're dead."_

* * *

_Clarke almost faints at the sight of her._

_"Lexa?" she asks, staring at the tall, graceful figure in the distance, standing among the scorched ruins of Arkadia._

_"Hello, Clarke," Lexa says, and they collide, limbs tangling together, faces being buried in each other's hair._

_"I'm so sorry," Clarke sobs. "Lexa, I'm so, so sorry, god, I'm-"_

_"Clarke," Lexa murmurs quietly. "It wasn't your fault..."_

_"He was going to kill me!" Clarke yells, and all the fight goes out of her, and they sink to the ground, Lexa still holding Clarke. "It should've been me!"_

_"Clarke, ai hodnes, don't blame yourself..."_

_"I loved you," Clarke chokes out between tears. "I loved you so much."_

_"So did I," Lexa murmurs, stroking her back. "Ai hodnes, so did I."_

_"Ai hodnes," Clarke repeats. "What does that mean?"_

_"My love," Lexa says softly, her beautiful emerald eyes filling with tears. "It means my love."_

* * *

_Madi sleeps peacefully in the cabin, and Clarke slips out into the night, staring up the stars._

_There's a rustling noise and she turns._

_"Lincoln," she breathes, a smile growing on her face as he jogs over and pulls her into a hug._

_"Clare," he says. "I knew we'd meet again."_

_Clarke pulls away, grinning._

_"How's Octavia?" Lincoln asks, his face becoming serious as if he already knows the answer._

_"She's..." Clarke trails off._

_Lincoln looks up, his shoulders rising and falling in a silent sigh._

_"It's been years," Clarke says. "And she's gotten a little better, but she's never recovered. She never really even had the time to even begin."_

_"And she was afraid," Lincoln says. "To acknowledge it."_

_Clarke nods, silently awed at how well Lincoln understands Octavia._

_"And she blames your Bellamy," he continues, looking down at her._

_"Yeah," Clarke murmurs, then pauses. "My Bellamy? He- he isn't- I don't-"_

_Lincoln just laughs to himself, a little sadly, but mostly just amused._

* * *

She wakes with a jolt.

Her room is dark and empty, and Clarke supposes her mother finally decided to kick Bellamy out.

Thankfully, but a little strangely, Clarke isn't hooked up to any machines, and the room is mercifully silent.

She turns and sees Bellamy's jacket draped on the chair; he must've left it there. Whether on accident or on purpose, Clarke isn't sure.

She slips out of bed, sliding her arms into Bellamy's too-big jacket and trying to ignore the dull throb behind her eyes.

It's cold outside, the winter chill having carried over into the spring nights. One of the main cabins is dimly lit, and Clarke hears an array of agitated voices, all seeming to disagree on something.

She slips in through the front door.

"No! Are you fucking crazy? She will not-" Murphy is saying.

"She won't let Madi go on her own, though!" Echo says, crossing her arms. "I don't like it any more than you do, Murphy, but it's just what she'll do."

"Why does Madi have to go?" Bellamy asks, looking at everyone in the room, none of whom have noticed Clarke in the doorway yet.

"She's the Commander," Kane says gravely. "She's so much more intelligent than us in terms of  _strategy-"_

"Whatever the plan is," Kaia interrupts loudly, momentarily cutting off all the chatter in the room. "We have to act fast. Key Eligius members are disappearing at an alarming rate back home. I sent Jamie to go handle it, but we all know who's behind it. We have to stop the testing before Benji recreates the genetic anomalies for more people."

"Do you want him dead or alive?" Zeke Shaw asks, looking rather annoyed with all the time being wasted.

Kaia takes a deep breath, and Clarke remembers Kaia's story.

"Dead," she declares, and the room erupts into protests and agreement, some calling for a trial, some agreeing that there's too much of a risk keeping someone as powerful as Benji alive.

"She is  _not_ going to change her decision!" Indra says, and the room goes silent even though Indra didn't raise her voice that much.

After a moment of silence, Kaia nods, looking a little flustered. "Alright. We go as soon as possible. Miller, Indra, Madi, _Octavia,_  and Echo. I want you on the team. Bellamy, you as well. And-"

"And me," Clarke calls, and every head in the room turns to face her, Bellamy's eyes going wide and then his face going red at the sight of her in his jacket.

"Clarke," Kane says, making his way over to her. "Madi will be in good hands-"

"It's not about Madi," Clarke says, and Madi rolls her eyes with a slight smirk from where she stands between Murphy and Jordan. "I want to go."

"Clarke, we have no idea what condition you're in and no way to predict it," Abby says, also coming to her and putting a hand on her shoulder. "It will put you, and the rest of the unit in danger."

"I won't be a liability, Mom," Clarke implores. "It's not that bad. I don't even have the headaches anymore," she lies.

Bellamy's eyes meet hers for a second, and Clarke stares right back, unblinkingly.

He knows she's lying; how could he not?

"Fine," Kaia concedes. "We start early morning tomorrow."

Kaia looks around at all of them, a steely, determined glint in her eye.

"This ends tomorrow," Kaia declares. "One way or another."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarke and lincoln = underrated brotp


	27. Everybody Wants To Rule The World pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was short

It's just as cold as she remembered.

"You okay?" Bellamy asks, elbowing her lightly.

Clarke nods, her throat tight.

"We'll be okay," Kaia says, as the back door clicks and slides open. "Get in. Be quiet."

As they walk, Clarke holds out a shaking hand, and Bellamy takes it, just the way he did when Clarke took the Flame.

"You've got this, Princess," he assures her, letting go of her hand to adjust his gun. "You're almost as badass as-"

"Don't finish that sentence," Clarke says quietly with a smirk.

"As the Princess commands."

"We're heading into the classified case lab wing," Kaia mutters when they approach a large metal door.

"There should be guards," Miller whispers. "Where are the fucking-"

"There!" Octavia shouts, and they all take cover and take out their weapons when five figures in black uniforms come running down the black and white corridor.

"Correction," Clarke says, putting her gun up, surprised her hands are shaking, surprised that she's enjoying this now, the rush of adrenaline in her veins. "I'm  _more_ badass than you, Bellamy."

She fires three times, doesn't miss a single time. "Octavia, you take the other two!" Clarke commands. "The rest of you, get the door open!"

Octavia looks a little shaken, but she's still dangerous with a weapon in her hand, her blade flying in graceful arcs around her head.

Clarke will have to draw it sometime.

She's glad the floors are dark; it makes it harder to see the bloodstains and the bodies on the floor.

Octavia stands next to her, her eyes closed.

"Octavia," Clarke breathes. "You didn't have to come."

Octavia looks at her, the gun in her hands. "I could say the same for you."

"Going on a mission like this isn't some redemption quest. You've already redeemed yourself in our eyes."

"It's not about redemption, Griffin," Octavia says, tossing her dark ponytail over her shoulder. "It's about the right thing."

"It's open!" Kaia shouts at them. "Let's move!"

Clarke and Octavia turn to follow everyone else into the wing beyond the door, when Clarke hears voices.

She turns, and Octavia's scream of her name is cut off abruptly by the door loudly sliding shut again.

Benji stands, a tablet in his hand. "I wasn't sure when to trick them into thinking they got in. You think my timing was right?"

"Perfect," Clarke drawls, her hands tightening on the gun.

"I still wonder why you're here," Benji says, as more guards appear behind him. "We all know your condition was too uncontrollable to allow you to be here. So how, and why are you here?"

Clarke raises her gun, aims it at his head.

"Ah," he murmurs, and he looks and sounds so much like Victoria that Clarke is momentarily dizzy. "You lied."

"I'm sure you know that the point of this isn't to make small talk with you," Clarke says evenly.

"It's alright," Benji continues, as if she hadn't spoken. "Lying is the only way things get done here."

Clarke's gun flies out of her hand, and she immediately pulls her knife out and throws it at him.

To her surprise, it hits him in the shoulder, and the guards all raise their weapons, but Benji doesn't seem to be in pain, despite the blood staining his light blue shirt.

"I shouldn't have doubted you," Benji says with a slight smile, the knife still in his shoulder. "Now, it seems you've realized something."

"Your power is from Kaia."

"Or Alexandra, as I used to know her."

Clarke shakes her head slightly, chiding herself for her lack of better preparation. Kaia had no issue with being spotted by whatever security the lab would have, but Clarke should've had more weapons on her.

"You know, Clarke, I'm not sure what I'll do with you now," Benji continues, waving the guards away, and they fall back. "You did solve quite a few of my problems, starting with the people I wanted out of the way all the way to killing my incompetent and self-absorbed sister-"

For the first time, Clarke regrets killing Victoria.

"But you,  _you,_ the eye of the storm..." he murmurs, stepping close to her, and Clarke subtly shifts her feet into an attacking stance. "Dangerous. A liability... I'm sure others have called you that before, right? You  _are_ a liability... and you must understand, my reasons for needing you gone are the same reasons you need me gone."

"I'm not looking to hold the most power over a planet."

"Power is the center of our troubles," Benji says."I take it you've heard of Thomas Hobbes?"

Clarke has; she's read about him on the Ark.

"Well, Hobbes declared that man is inherently evil," Benji states, his fingers coming to rest in the pockets of his jeans, and Clarke knows that something is in his hand. "Some see that as something to be fixed, but Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, in the end..."

Clarke steps back towards her gun.

"Power is the most important thing in the end. Those who hold the most... they win."

Benji steps forward and Clarke jams her elbow up into his chin, allowing her to step back and grab her gun.

"And I'll win, Clarke," Benji says, so calmly as they lunge towards each other, Clarke's fingers on the trigger and Benji's weapon being pulled out of his pocket and coming up-

A shot rings out.

Benji staggers back, his other shoulder turning red from the bullet wound.

But Clarke's the one who falls.

Clarke is the one who tastes blood on her tongue, her head screaming.

She knows the line between believing you will die and actually knowing it with absolute certainty is often blurred- she's been a suspect of that too many times to count.

Not even during Praimfaya did she know she would die; she had no idea how the nightblood solution would work out.

But it's different now.

She's heard that life flashes before the eyes at the time of death, she's heard that there's just pain, and she's also heard that some don't really expect or know that they're dying.

But no one ever mentioned the sheer  _panic._

Her mind scrambles, searching for a solution, some solution, any solution, and then it accepts.

She wonders whether Lexa felt the same when she was shot.

Knowing it was the end.

Because as Clarke lies on the ground, a knife buried deep in her gut, she thinks.

First, that there's no way to know whether the knife hit any important organs or not, at least not immediately, and not in her dazed state.

And she certainly won't survive long enough to find out.

And  _it's_ happening again.

Her brain on fire, blood from her injury and the aftermath of Russell's control.

Is this how it ends?

Wanheda, managing to deliver a nonlethal injury while receiving one that will both slowly and quickly and painfully take her away.

Clarke grabs her gun again, her bloody hand against the wall.

Benji kneels on the floor, a few feet away, clutching his shoulder and groaning in pain.

Clarke shoots without thinking.

All the guards that have appeared near them fall, bullets put right between their eyes.

This is  _not_ how it ends. 

Benji staggers to his feet.

She could kill him.

She could kill him right now.

But she can't.

Abby and Benji were right.

Her condition was too unpredictable.

And with the knife in her stomach and her brain falling apart in her skull, she knows she'll never make it.

She tries to stand, but she falls.

"I always win, Clarke," Benji says, a little sadly, and Clarke's starting to fade, the world starting to darken, and she knows this is the last time.

The door slides open, and she hears a gutteral, pained scream.

Her body stops convulsing on the ground, and though her eyes are open, she can't see.

A storm of gunshots explode throughout the corridor, and then it all just stops abruptly.

 _This is it,_ Clarke thinks.

_This is it._

They scream her name, waiting for Clarke to answer, waiting, hoping, praying, begging, demanding that it's not over.

She's numb. 

The world is dark.

She doesn't even taste the blood in her mouth anymore.

Even the sounds are getting quieter.

_Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, Clarke._

_Clarke, Clarke, Clarke, Clarke-_

_Clarke, Clarke, Clarke-_

_Clarke, Clarke-_

_Clarke-_

_Clark_

_Clar_

_Cla_

_Cl_

_C_

Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONT YELL AT ME I HAVENT CONFIRMED ANYTHING


	28. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end approaches.

Bellamy won't cry.

He imagines that if Clarke were here, she'd chide him for getting his tears all over the flowers, and he'd just smile.

He doesn't feel like smiling.

He never wants to smile anymore.

 _One more step, Bellamy,_ he thinks, over and over as he drags himself back to camp.  _Just one more._

* * *

"She's lucky," Kane says, coming to his chair and putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"How is she lucky?" Bellamy asks, his voice cracking. "She's-"

"Not dead," Kane reminds him, but Bellamy shakes his head. 

"She might as well be. She either goes brain dead or she... she..."

_Speak, Bellamy, speak._

He starts to cry, and Kane roughly pulls him into an embrace.

"Clarke," he sobs, her name once a tether, always a prayer, and now a curse.

* * *

The feeling never seems to fade anymore.

The anxiety starts out as a little tug at the back of his mind, one he could always ignore if he chose to.

It starts to steal his breath sometimes.

He'll be walking, everything building up in his chest, and suddenly, he just won't be able to breathe.

"Blake," Murphy calls, turning his head. "You okay?"

"Fine," Bellamy lies. "I'm fine."

Spacekru has finally forced him to give up his stubbornness and just go back to his cabin; his health was deteriorating, spending so many hours locked in a room with a coma patient.

He tries not to remember the last time he was safe in this room, his body tangled with Clarke's, his heart, his soul, all hers.

And then he remembers her glassy eyes, her fingers outstretched a little as if she was reaching for something she would never quite grasp.

And for the first time in a long time, he thinks of Gina.

Bellamy collapses against Clarke's doorway, and instead of seeing Clarke lying on the floor of the lab, he imagines Gina lying on the floor of Mount Weather, a countdown reflected in her eyes, blood streaming from her mouth-

_Stop._

Bellamy opens his eyes, his heart pounding.

Clarke's journal lies on a desk in her room, and a small piece of paper sticks out of it. He dimly recalls it being there for as long as the journal was, but he has never known what that piece of paper was.

When he squints for a better look, he sees  _Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Harper, Murphy, Emori, and Echo_ scrawled in her neat handwriting.

Some invisible force guides him into her room, makes him pick up the paper.

**_Two Months Since Praimfaya_ **

**_To anyone, but especially_ you.**

**_I've always found something so unbearable sad about letters that were written, but were never sent. Thoughts that were supposed to be shared, but remain locked in one's mind. The situation is ironic; here I am, writing 'a letter I will never send.'_ **

**_But I guess that serves as a reminder that a lot of things you see don't happen the way you think it will, or the way it should._ **

**_Same thing, really. The 'should' is more about perspective._ **

**_I could go on about that for days, really, but they're just thoughts. Stars I cannot ever fathom into constellations._ **

**_Bellamy, if you're reading this, do you know who said that?_ **

**_The thing about stars and thoughts._ **

**_It was John Green; maybe you've read his books, but I doubt you've ever had time._ **

**_I remember this one book, about a boy and a girl. Both sick, really sick. The girl had cancer in her lungs, and the boy used to have cancer, too, but he recovered._ **

**_The girl never would; she knew she'd bear it until the end._ **

~~**_So_ ** ~~

Bellamy swallows when he sees what looks like a dried teardrop on the word 'so,' and then a line viciously crossing it out.

**_So they don't have to._ **

**_The boy and girl, they fell in love._ **

**_The girl called herself a grenade, because she knew when she died, it would be an explosion and it would leave everyone hurting, shrapnel in their hearts and her loss heavy upon their heads._ **

**_But she loved him, even though she knew she would not get an eternity with him._ **

**_And then he got sick again._ **

~~**_And the girl, who's so strongly believed that she would be the one to die first_ ** ~~

**_And he died._ **

**_It's a sad thought._ **

**_But how far can thoughts take you?_ **

**_In the face of an unending, agonizing loneliness, are your thoughts enough company to keep you from losing your mind?_ **

**_I thought I'd die first._ **

**_Maybe I even wanted to._ **

**_But here I am, still alive, wondering if you guys are dead._ **

**_These questions give me a headache, but I still seek the answers to them._ **

**_If there's no real answer, then I'll be pretty damn angry._ **

**_But it doesn't matter._ **

~~**_I miss you, Be_ ** ~~

**_I miss you, all of you._ **

**_I miss your smiles and your jokes and the sense of freedom I had with you guys._ **

~~**_And as for you, Bellamy, I miss just about everything_ ** ~~

**_God, I just miss feeling like I was accepted even though I wasn't the person everyone wanted me to be, not deep down, anyway._ **

**_I think I'm denying myself the simple privilege of being human._ **

**_Or maybe, I just don't deserve it at all._ **

**_What a hilarious joke the universe is making of me; the woman people think will be everything, but turns out to be nothing._ **

**_Not even remotely acceptable._ **

**_I regret most of the things I've done since I reached the ground._ **

~~**_Especially not telling you that I love you_ ** ~~

**_With all the love I could possibly gather,_ **

**_Clarke Griffin._ **

Bellamy sinks to the ground, shaking and crying and heaving for breath.

She never told him about a letter.

With a trembling hand, he tucks it back into the journal and drags himself downstairs, the anxiety and the pain following him like a shadow.

* * *

"No, no, Bellamy, you can't go in-!"

"Abby, it's Clarke-" he stutters, feeling nauseated.

"And the doctors will take care of the emergency!" Abby yells, before running towards the med bay, and Bellamy tries to run, but he's held back by several pairs of arms, and he starts to scream, scream for Clarke.

"She's going to-" he gasps. "She's going to die and I won't be there-"

"Bell, Bell, please, calm down," Octavia murmurs in his ear, her arm banded around his chest.

 _"NO!"_ he screams. "I just got her back!" he sobs. "I just... I just-"

"Bellamy," Raven says gently, her arms restraining just one of his own.

He'd never understood the term 'worried sick' until now, when he's screaming and there are still more screams buried deep in his chest, his head spinning, wanting to throw up.

He craves relief, but how can he be relieved while Clarke hovers near death just  _a few fucking rooms away._

He screams some more, the same way he screamed when he thought Octavia died, the same way he did when he saw Clarke's broken body lying in the lab, just as everyone else fired their shots to kill Benji.

"I always lose her," he chokes out, sinking into the small crowd of people trying to hold him. "I always lose her!"

No one even tells him that Clarke will be okay, because no one believes it at this point.

 _"Ai giv ai op,"_ Raven murmurs gently in his other ear. 

_I give myself..._

_"Gon nemiyon..."_

_To the miracle..._

_"Kom lanik-de..."_

_Of the sea..._

"I'll lose her again," he murmurs, and he collapses, all the fight going out of him.

Why would he fight in a world without Clarke?

* * *

_Wake, they tell her._

_Wake up, they need you._

_"No, they don't," Clarke protests._

_"You don't get to just leave!" Wells exclaims, looking deathly pale in the Ark lights. "Fight it!"_

_"And if I wake to find out that there was no point?" Clarke asks, crossing her arms. "I wake up and Benji's good as new and I'm back in that place and Bellamy's dead and Madi's dead and they're all fucking dead!"_

_"There's a chance it won't be that way," Wells implores._

_"Chance?" Clarke snarls._

_"Wake up," Wells commands, gripping her shoulders. "Wake up!"_

_"But I'm... I'm scared," Clarke says quietly._

_"And that's okay," he murmurs. "How will you know if you don't wake up?"_

_"Wake up, Clarke," Bellamy says, stepping out of the shadows. "Everything will be okay."_

* * *

Her hand twitches in his.

Bellamy freezes, turning his head to her.

"Clarke?" he asks, his voice hoarse from screaming.

Her breathing starts to lose its regularity.

"Clarke..." he says again, halfway on the bed.

It's the same as ever; eyelids drawn shut, impossibly long lashes curling out.

She takes a shaky breath.

"It's okay, Clarke, you're almost there," he murmurs, bringing her hand to his lips. "You're almost there."

Her lips part a little, and she takes a deep breath.

"Benji," she murmurs. "Where is he?" she croaks out.

"Dead," Bellamy says, kissing her fingertips. "He's dead, Clarke. He's dead. You're okay, I promise."

"No," she breathes. "No, no, no, I'm not awake, you're not real-"

"I'm real," he implores, tears forming in his eyes. "I'm right here. I'm right here. And I'm not lying."

"Promise."

"I promise you, Clarke."

And then her eyes snap open, beautiful and blue and  _alive._

 

 


	29. Everybody Wants To Rule The World pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke brings forth the long overdue end of an era.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY

"You got lucky, honey," Abby says as she changes Clarke's bandages. "Just a few more centimeters and it wouldn't have turned out this way."

"Wouldn't have turned out this way if you hadn't come with us," Bellamy mutters from his chair. Clarke shoots him a dark look, then looks at her mother. 

"Anything else, Mom?"

Abby looks away, and Clarke shares a look with Bellamy, wondering what's wrong. "Mom-"

"Clarke, you really want to know?"

"Abby, I don't think she'll want to find out about some long lasting effect the hard way," Bellamy says.

Abby takes her hands. "Clarke, I'm not sure, but it is a possibility."

"What is it?" Clarke asks.

"You might not be able to have kids," Abby murmurs, and out of the corner of Clarke's eye, she sees Bellamy's head snap up.

Clarke takes a moment to process the information.

"Of course," Clarke murmurs. "It was bound to happen with everything that's happened."

"It's not confirmed, Clarke, we have to run tests and everything-"

"So do it," Clarke says, gingerly sliding out of bed. She falls into Bellamy's chest, but he sets his hands firmly on her hips before she falls.

"Thanks," she murmurs, her eyes still on her mother, who watches the exchange with first curiosity and then realization.

"Don't exert yourself, Clarke," Abby says after a moment, an unreadable expression on her face.  _"In any way."_

Bellamy turns red.

* * *

 "Kaia, it's okay. I'll go. I deserve to know what happens," Clarke says, twirling the stem of a flower in between her fingers.

"You think you're ready for that?" Kaia asks, putting a flower in her own dark hair. "We put an ability block on him, but seeing him could be a trigger for you. And we don't even know how the verdict will turn out, even after the evaluation by the people and then our Council."

"You think he could get off without any consequences?"

"Always a possibility," Kaia murmurs, pulling the flower out of her hair and setting it on the grass.

"And you can't even override their verdict?" Clarke asks.

"I'm not a tyrant, Clarke," Kaia says gently.

Clarke sighs and looks up at the sky, not a cloud in sight.

"This is why I don't want you to go," Kaia presses. 

"If he makes out with no consequences, he poses a threat to national security. Forget national," Clarke says. "Think planetary. Sure, Russell was following orders, but he firmly agreed with and liked what he was doing."

"Clarke-"

"Look, I'm not judging your justice system," Clarke interrupts. "But it's not sound enough for him."

"Clarke, revenge-"

"It's  _not_ revenge!" Clarke snaps, then sighs. "It's not revenge. Yeah, I won't forget what he's done to me, but if he walks, he'll keep taking your people. Kaia, what you aren't understanding is that he's just as dangerous as Benji."

Kaia looks at her, saying nothing.

"Just let me come to Eligius with you," Clarke implores. "My headaches and episodes aren't that bad anymore. And I swear I'm not lying this time."

Kaia looks up towards the sky and takes a deep breath. "You've been through enough, Clarke. I won't stop you, but you-"

"Can go through some more," Clarke finishes, absentmindedly brushing her fingers along the bandages on her stomach. "Please, Kaia."

Kaia doesn't look too happy about it, but after a long period of silence, she nods.

* * *

  **T W O  W E E K S  L A T E R**

"Not guilty."

Clarke stands and walks out of the courtroom.

She stands outside the building for a while, letting the light rain fall onto her.

She hears footsteps a while later.

"Clarke-"

"Kaia, I don't want to hear whatever bullshit excuse you have for what happened," Clarke snaps as she whirls around, the tall towers of Eligius making her momentarily dizzy.

"I told you not to attend the trial," Kaia counters, looking resigned.

"Didn't they know what he's done?" Clarke asks, her hand coming to rest of her bandage. "Didn't they understand how dangerous he is?"

Kaia runs a hand through her hair. "Damn, Clarke, it's their call. It's the brainwashing part that turned them."

"And they didn't understand that Russell is ultimately the one in control? Don't they even know about his abilities?"

Kaia says nothing as they walk back into the courtroom.

And that's when Clarke notices.

All the heads so intently turned towards Russell, who stares unblinkingly back.

"Kaia," Clarke murmurs. "How sound are the ability blocks?"

Kaia's eyes scan the crowd, then go to the small device on Russell's neck.

"No," Kaia murmurs. "No, no, no, no..."

"Kaia, what?"

"The block is disabled, and it can only be disabled remotely."

"So that means-" Clarke starts.

"Someone is either working on the inside, or someone from the outside got in-" Kaia yells, and then a series of gunshots go off.

The guards at the entryway, shooting at Kaia and Clarke.

Missing on purpose.

Kaia turns her head to them, and suddenly they're all being swept away by a great wind.

By Kaia, really.

"Did you really think this was going to wo-" Kaia begins, turning to Russell, but her words dissolve into a scream of sheer pain, and Kaia falls to the ground.

"Clarke," Russell says. "I never thought I'd get a chance with you alone again. You'd always have Bellamy by your side, wouldn't you?"

Everyone in the courtroom remains in their seats, mindlessly watching the exchange.

"Who did this?" Clarke asks, barely able to hear her own words through  _audible_ pulses of pain her head.

Russell shakes his head. "Why would I tell-?"

 _"WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?"_ Clarke interrupts, bending down over Kaia's unconscious form.

"It's the ones we love that destroy us," Russell muses. "It's sad to think about how that applies to Kaia as well."

Clarke blinks.

"Jamie," she murmurs. "It was Jamie."

"You really are too smart, Ms. Griffin," Russell says fondly. "It's a shame I'll have to kill you. Once I get out of these cuffs, anyway. Of course, you know who will help me-"

Clarke grabs Kaia's gun from her holster and fires.

Russell leans back, gritting his teeth, and Clarke strides over to him, the gun still up.

Her hand trembles.

Her body aches.

"Will you kill me?" Russell asks, pensively enough for someone with a bullet in their arm, but Clarke sees a flicker of doubt in his eyes. "You're not a killer."

"You made me into a killer, Russell," Clarke says, almost gently, stepping up to his platform. 

"And you'd listen to me?" Russell asks.

"Isn't that what you want?" Clarke questions, trying not to faint from the pain building up behind her eyes.

Russell stares right into her eyes, and Clarke can  _feel_ a string tied around her wrist, almost  _see_ it connecting her and Russell.

"You took my mind from me," Clarke says, her voice cracking a little. "You were going to take everything I was."

Clarke raises the gun to his head with a shaking hand, and suddenly everyone in the courtroom gets up, and gunshots start ringing out relentlessly, and Clarke crouches a little behind the podium in front of Russell's chair to dodge bullets.

"I was going to give you a purpose," Russell breathes, smiling as if he knows that Clarke will return.

"You did give me a purpose, Russell," Clarke says softly. "It just wasn't the one you wanted me to have."

And her finger moves of its own accord.

It's like her brain is being snapped in half.

First, the sheer silence, the calm before the storm.

And then the pain.

Clarke collapses against the podium, screaming.

Her world is exploding before her eyes, coming back together, and flooding her mind with images and memories.

Her father carrying her when she was young.

Looking out the viewing windows on the Ark.

Her dad smiling sadly at her before he died.

Clarke drawing on the floor of her cell.

Glaring at Bellamy in a dim dropship.

Standing in water with Finn.

Wells holding her tightly.

The graves of the 100.

Bellamy's hand on her shoulder as she learned to shoot.

The bright white lights of Mount Weather.

Dante Wallace's sad, wise face.

Throwing herself into Bellamy's arms.

Killing Finn.

Pulling the lever.

Walking away from Bellamy.

Kissing Lexa.

Watching her die.

Her hand reaching out for Bellamy's before she went into the City of Light.

Arkadia in flames.

The world in flames.

Madi.

Lying on the ground and looking up to see Bellamy.

It all hits her, every feeling, every injury, all the pain.

And then it stops abruptly.

And Clarke falls to her knees.

She can even feel an emptiness in her head where some sort of imprint of Russell's control used to be.

There is nothing now.

There's a bullet between Russell's eyes, and everyone else in the courtroom all slump down in their chairs or on desks, fatigued from Russell's brief control.

Still clutching the gun, Clarke starts to rock back and forth, sobs wracking her whole body.

_It's over._

_It's over._

_It's-_

"Clarke, look-" Kaia moans from a few feet away from her.

She turns and she shoots as soon as she recognizes the face.

Kaia scrambles to her feet, grabbing a podium for support.

"Clarke," she begins. "Clarke, you-"

Clarke just watches blood pool around Jamie's head like a halo.

Clarke drops the gun.

A scream is building up in her chest, and her whole body is starting to tremble, and Clarke can feel a panic attack coming onto her like a sudden gust of wind.

Kaia runs to her, holding her up.

"I-I kill- I killed them," Clarke stutters out, hyperventilating. "I shot them in  _the fucking head-!"_

"Clarke, shh, it's okay," Kaia murmurs, rubbing her back. "Your honor, dismiss these people and go home."

The judge looks at Kaia in disbelief. "Ma'am, this woman just shot-"

 _"Go!"_ Kaia snaps, and drags Clarke out of the hall.

Clarke finally lets the sobs come, the memories of Russell's and Jamie's blood burnt onto the backs of her eyelids.

She shakes violently, causing both herself and Kaia to collapse against a wall.

"It's over," Kaia murmurs. "It's over."

* * *

Bellamy takes her into his arms without a word.

"It's over," he tells her, just what she told herself and just what Kaia told her. "It's over."

"It's never over," Clarke murmurs, her hands coming up to shakily grab the collar of his shirt. "I killed them..."

She steps out of Bellamy's embrace, quivering. "How can you hold me?" she asks, as everyone else starts to leave the little clearing by the Wonkru settlement. "I'm a-"

Clarke takes a deep, shaky breath. "I'm a murderer."

Bellamy crushes her against his chest, and it sends a twinge of pain through her stab wound, but she doesn't object. "You're not a murderer, Clarke. You're not a murderer."

"I might as well be," she whispers into his neck. "I am Wanheda, I'm Wanheda and I'll never  _fucking_ be anything else-"

"Wanheda is dead," Bellamy says quietly, and Clarke looks up, her vision blurred by tears.

_Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things._

He reaches up and tucks a piece of her hair behind her ears.

And he looks at her, really looks at her.

He sees all her faults, all her pain and her weakness and her anger.

And his eyes say-

_I love you._

"And Clarke's alive," he murmurs, tilting his head down and kissing her in a way that finally, finally lifts her heart up to the stars above.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this probably sucked but whatever


	30. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke reflects on her experience on the new planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this sucks sorry

She decides that she likes the rain.

Likes the sound of it, likes the way it smells.

But Clarke is foolishly standing outside her cabin without a jacket, and an occasional chill rocks her body.

At some point, she feels a jacket being draped around her shoulders, and she turns to see a certain curly-haired someone smirking at her.

She grabs his shirt collar and tugs him down into a long and slow kiss, just trying to feel it all, convince herself that this is real, and she's finally  _home._

"Never, ever grow a beard again," Clarke mutters against his lips, and Bellamy laughs as he pulls her into an embrace.

"As the Princess commands," he says quietly, looking down at her with an intensity that sparks heat deep within her.

"I love you," she says when he touches his forehead to hers. "I love you and I should've told you sooner," she says quietly.

"But you did tell me," Bellamy says, raising an eyebrow.

"No," Clarke says. "Before Praimfaya. The last time I saw you before the launch."

_I was just gonna say..._

_Hurry._

"Clarke..." Bellamy trails off.

"You were so far away even back on Earth," Clarke murmurs, her eyes drifting shut. "You were always there when I needed you but never when I wanted you. And I took you for granted and I loved you too late."

"You weren't too late," Bellamy assures, giving her a quick peck on the lips. "Not at all."

"I'm afraid to lose you," Clarke says. "And I'm afraid you'll lose me..."

But then, whenever she looks at him, there's a larger, more prominent thought.

And of course Bellamy knows it; Bellamy can always read her mind.

"You and I are forever," Bellamy declares. "Together."

Clarke puts her hands on his shoulders. "Together."

Bellamy has a sudden burst of light in his eyes that Clarke recognizes as him making a split second decision, and he tilts his head down to give her a short, sweet kiss.

"Marry me, Clarke," he says, closing his eyes and touching his forehead down to her shoulder. "I don't care what sort of ceremony it's going to be, if there's going to be any ceremony at all, I don't care if it's official or not. I just want you to marry me."

_You and I are forever._

A pure, genuine smile blossoms on her lips as she says, "Whatever the hell you want."

* * *

"Are you sure you want to stay with Niylah and Octavia?" Clarke asks Madi, weaving more flowers into her hair.

"Until your honeymoon period with Bellamy is over, definitely," Madi replies, and Clarke can hear her grin.

 _"Madi,"_ she warns.

"I also want to be there for Octavia," Madi says a little more solemnly. "She's been shaken up pretty bad since the lab."

Clarke knows; she's spent the last couple of days visiting Octavia, and frequently holding her through breakdowns.

But Octavia Blake still has the strength to find a reason to smile after that, and Clarke knows she'll be okay.

"Okay," Clarke concedes. "I do want you to move in with Bellamy and me at some point, though."

Madi leans back into Clarke's lap, messing up all the flowers Clarke had so meticulously placed in Madi's hair, but Madi's grinning so much that Clarke just has to smile back.

* * *

"You're all good now," Abby says, unwrapping the last of the bandage. "Physically good as new, but you should still take it a little easy."

Clarke nods, her hand still in her mother's.

"Are you okay with Bellamy and me?" Clarke asks, raising her eyebrows.

Abby hugs her tightly. "I'm more than okay with that, honey. Are you okay with me and Marcus?"

Clarke smiles into her mother's shoulder. "More than okay."

* * *

"Easy, easy, easy," Murphy says, rubbing her back. "I'm here, Griffin."

Clarke wipes away her tears, still shaking a little. "I can't believe I still have these," she murmurs as Murphy wraps an arm around her shoulders.

"It's okay, Clarke," Murphy says quietly. "Pain isn't desirable but it  _is_ a part of who we are. You might have these forever, but you're strong," he assures her. "You are, as Shaw deems it, a level one hundred boss."

Clarke rolls her eyes with a smile. "You're too smart for your own good, John," she mutters, shoving his shoulder.

"Yeah, why else would Bellamy hang me?"

They both go silent for a moment, and they burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"You..." she says between laughs. "Have... the worst... humor... ever."

"So do you," Murphy shoots back, and that just has them laughing until they're both doubled over and wheezing.

* * *

"No more headaches?" Charmaine asks, looking fondly at her daughter as Clarke balances Hope on her hip.

"No," Clarke murmurs. "I think the connection went away completely when..."

Charmaine nods, clearly not needing her to finish.

"I was worried for a bit," Charmaine says, poking Hope's nose, causing a riotous giggle from her. "That Hope would grow up in a world of war. I didn't want that."

"I hope that Hope won't ever have to be in the middle of it," Clarke muses, smiling warmly at the girl, taking in her big blue eyes, so much like her mother's.

"Clarke," Charmaine says after a moment of silence. "You should just breathe now."

"I am," Clarke says, and it's true; partly. "But it feels too good to be true. It feels like it'll just be torn away from me at any moment, and everything is just so solid and good and still, I feel like I have to be ready for a fight all the time."

"You do," Charmaine says simply. "But not now."

Charmaine gently pulls Hope into her own arms. "Right now, you get a break. And a well-earned one, too."

* * *

Clarke rolls off of Bellamy, feeling pleasantly tired.

And Bellamy looks absolutely  _insolent_ for someone who's just taken a severe beating with a pillow.

"Pillow fights. Thought your mother told you to take it easy," Bellamy snickers, drawing the covers up to their chins.

h"I waited, like, two weeks after my bandages came off to even kiss you for longer than ten seconds, Blake," Clarke laughs.

Bellamy suddenly looks sad, the light in his eyes fading and his shoulders slumping.

"Hey," Clarke murmurs, scooting closer to him and wrapping Bellamy in a tight embrace. "What is it?"

"Even though-" Bellamy's voice breaks, and he clears his throat before starting again. "Even though you're here with me now, I still remember what it was like after Praimfaya..."

Clarke, who has absentmindedly been smoothing out the wrinkles in Bellamy's shirt, raises her hands to cup Bellamy's face. "Talk to me."

"I had nightmares," he says quietly. "About that moment, when you took off your helmet, and you started to cough up blood. Sometimes it was your body in Becca's lab. And sometimes it was you looking at me, telling me to hurry, and the last thing I said to you was a stupid fucking lecture on you  _not_ lecturing me about using my head-"

He takes a deep breath, and Clarke watches as tears gather in his eyes.

"I lost you over and over and over," he murmurs, turning his face so his lips are pressed against her palm. "And I couldn't do it again."

"You'll never have to," Clarke says, smiling at him. "You won't lose me."

Bellamy closes his eyes, a few tears escaping his eyelids, which Clarke gently wipes away.

"Where you go," he says. "I go."

"Where I go," Clarke replies. "You go."

Bellamy nods before kissing her, and Clarke lets herself feel safe.

Because maybe she is.

* * *

"This seems like kind of a weird way to start using the paint Kaia gave you," Bellamy says.

"Stop talking," Clarke says, painting another line across his cheekbone. "You'll mess up your face."

"Which one are you ever doing right now?" Bellamy asks, clearly ignoring her warning.

"Cassiopeia."

"That's easy," Bellamy drawls, dipping his finger in the paint and putting a dot of it on Clarke's nose. "It's just shaped like a 'W.'"

"Hmm," Clarke murmurs, starting to create a minuscule Orion low on his cheek. 

When she's done, she leans back, and his face looks exactly the way it did in her dream of life on the Ark.

"I love you," she says. "I am in love with you."

"I love you too, but like, how could you not be?" Bellamy says easily, but Clarke can tell there's an eternal sense of loss when he says it.

Clarke sighs and leans forward to kiss him.

"I have something for you," Bellamy murmurs, reaching into his pocket.

Clarke sits back, expectant.

Bellamy's Adam's apple bobs, and his hand shakes, something clutched tightly in his fist.

"Close your eyes," Bellamy says, and even his voice is a little shaky.

Clarke does, and then she feels Bellamy's hands brush her hair away from her neck, and something cold trails along her chest.

She opens her eyes and reaches for the necklace Bellamy has put on her, and her heart almost stops at the beauty of it, a shining diamond set into a silver locket dangling from a thin chain.

"It's uh, not a ring," Bellamy says, rubbing the back of his neck. "But I had Kaia get the jewel and Raven make the-"

Clarke grabs the collar of his shirt and kisses him, lovingly and deep, as if she has all the time in the world.

Because she really does have all the time in the world.

"Goddamn it, guys, this is a  _public_ field!" Clarke hears Murphy whine from far away, and she just smiles against Bellamy's lips.

* * *

"Test results are good. You'll have kids just fine," Abby assures Clarke. Bellamy releases a breath from where he's sitting, and he seems to be a little happier as he and Clarke walk out of the med bay.

"Do you want kids?" Bellamy asks after a while.

Clarke shrugs. "Madi's enough."

Bellamy flicks his eyes over to her.

"For now," Clarke says, and then she bursts into laughter, and Bellamy joins her almost immediately.

* * *

It's a short and sweet ceremony, sealed with a quick peck on the lips, but Clarke knows that Bellamy's hands resting deceptively, innocently on her hips, promise more in the future.

"You're married," Raven says, a few weeks after it happens.

"Wack," Zeke says tonelessly, and Clarke just rolls her eyes with a smile.

"You know, I think things are going to be okay now," Bellamy tells her, one night as they lie together, her head on Bellamy's chest.

She's just had a nightmare; one of her worst.

But this time, she didn't wake alone.

And she felt like she would never have to again.

"Yeah," Clarke murmurs. "Things are going to be okay."

* * *

 

_Clarke._

Her name does feel like her own now.

Clarke Griffin.

Well, Clarke Griffin-Blake now.

She smiles up at the stars, and then at the man lying next to her, his head on his arm.

The nightmares will never go away.

The panic attacks will be there for a very long time.

The worry will chase her, if she allows it to.

But she’s here.

She’s safe.

With friends and family and someone who loves her very much.

So the pain, the worry, the nightmares, the fear...

She can live with that.

But despite all of that, she knows she can finally be happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah whats up gucci gang make sure you suscribe TO ME and not just my stories so you always get crappy but gr8 content  
> also i'm starting another s6 spec fic immediately because you know  
> coping mechanisms :)  
> love you all

**Author's Note:**

> season 5 murdered me rant to me in the comments


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